For the sake of this discussion, by "breakup" I mean everything from ending a long-term relationship all the way down to going quiet after a couple dates or even just an initial communication. Of course this is not what the term means in everyday speech, but it is simpler to use it this way here than to spell it out each time I refer to that set of experiences.
If a man breaks up with you for any reason or in any manner, you should completely cut him off. End of story. There is no excuse or situation in which it would be acceptable or smart to do otherwise, any more than there are situations in which it would be best to continue to twist and bend your own arm after it’s been fractured - in the hope that it might not actually be broken, or might heal itself. Once a breakup has taken place, it is irreparable by nothing other than time, distance and new experiences, the same way a broken bone can only be healed by time, rest and a cast.
I’ve broken up with a fairly large number of girls, and the girls that respond to the news correctly I have a huge amount of respect for – to the point that I sometimes question whether or not I should have let them go. But there are so many women that handle it horribly. I can’t count the number of girls I have decided to stop contacting after dating once or twice, or sleeping with, or even just talking to on the phone, who decide it would be worthwhile to call or text me a week or two later, apparently under the false impression or hope that I had simply forgotten to get back in touch with them - that I merely needed a reminder.
In one case I slept with a girl and even hung out with her a few times before I decided I didn’t want to continue seeing her. So I stopped calling her. Within a few weeks I got a text: “Headed to pacific beach, Wanna join?” I didn’t want to join, so I ignored the text. The next day, I got this: “I’m in your neck of the woods J.” Again, I read and acknowledged it (with a heavy dose of apathy), but did not respond. Then, again, over a month later: “Driving through your neighborhood and thought of you. Hope you are doing well J.” What was this girl hoping to accomplish? Did she really think that this would suddenly rekindle my interest?
Although I acknowledge the remote possibility that girls might just be fishing for sex in these situations, the thought of a girl having to do anything other than agree to male propositions in order to get laid is far more repulsive than the idea of a woman trying to salvage an obviously failed relationship; so I refuse to consider it. It will be the subject of another post. In any case, in this situation and others, I know from the circumstances that the girl wanted more than sex. So back to the original question: did she really think that this would suddenly rekindle my interest? Even if I did have some lingering interest in talking to her, it is hugely indicative of my overriding disinterest in a girl that I would actually forget to contact her for an extended period of time.
Although I acknowledge the remote possibility that girls might just be fishing for sex in these situations, the thought of a girl having to do anything other than agree to male propositions in order to get laid is far more repulsive than the idea of a woman trying to salvage an obviously failed relationship; so I refuse to consider it. It will be the subject of another post. In any case, in this situation and others, I know from the circumstances that the girl wanted more than sex. So back to the original question: did she really think that this would suddenly rekindle my interest? Even if I did have some lingering interest in talking to her, it is hugely indicative of my overriding disinterest in a girl that I would actually forget to contact her for an extended period of time.
Any girl with an ounce of pride would not submit to this kind of treatment by soliciting further interaction. If a man decides to break up with a girl, or that it isn’t worth his time to get back in touch after a date or exchange of numbers, that is his decision. He needs to live with that, however easy or difficult the decision was for him to make. As a woman, you need to make him live with that. Men should be given one chance, and one chance only. Trust me: if we are really interested in you, or are at least physically attracted to you, we will take the opportunity you provide. The act of attempting to reconnect after you’ve been dumped or rejected or ignored only comes across as needy and insecure, two of the least attractive qualities.
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If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.
Related Posts
1. The Importance of Silence After a Break Up
2. Get Used to Rejection
3. Ask For Feedback If A Guy Breaks Up With You
4. Don't Initiate Contact
5. Why Rejection is A Good Thing
-------------------------------------
If you liked this post, you'll definitely like my book, Beyond the Breakup, which explains everything you need to know about dealing with you ex: what he's thinking, what is motivating him to stay friends with you, how to maximize your chances of getting him back - and if that doesn't happen, how to focus on your future.
Related Posts
1. The Importance of Silence After a Break Up
2. Get Used to Rejection
3. Ask For Feedback If A Guy Breaks Up With You
4. Don't Initiate Contact
5. Why Rejection is A Good Thing
Does this apply to an on-off relationship in which, I the woman, did the final breaking up, and now almost 2 years later am wondering if that was right?
ReplyDeleteThat's a rough situation, but ultimately this advice applies only to the person who doesn't want the relationship to end.
ReplyDeleteThat doesn't mean it's a good idea to re-kindle the relationship, though...
E-mail me if you want to discuss. TheRulesRevisited@gmail.com
This helped me cut off my ex finally. We had been dragging it along for two years AFTER he ended our two year relationship! Now that I'm starting grad school and have so many other opportunities to look forward to, I honestly can't thank you enough for realizing how stupid I was.
ReplyDeleteiam just exactly in the same situation now hope i will get over, this guy did nothing but cheating and hurting me always I had for him to change like crazy but finally he turned out to be ruthless person. In two years he had hardly went out with me for 7 to 8 times use to give excuses, I have just fallen for his words, I feel pity for girls like me these kinda men dont deserve honest girls they shld end up ppl like them in opp sex they would then see their reflection:( its heart breaking when someone you trust the most do this to you
DeleteThis post really helped!
ReplyDeleteThanks you. I love your website.
This breaks my heart. The girl was clearly very into you. It's tough when you really like someone and are powerless to do anything about it because the rejecter holds the cards. She obviously enjoyed your company very much and was trying to reach out to see how you were. I doubt it meant that she wanted to sleep with you, more likely she wanted to see how you were - she liked you - and I don't think it is fair to say she is needy and insecure. Reading this post made my heart ache for all the girls you have done this to. :(
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with this post. She was neither needy nor insecure. In fact, I will say that she was secure enough in herself to know that she liked you and initiated contact. This also does not mean that she is into every single guy she meets. She just happened to like you a lot, that's it.
DeleteAs a female, I can say that's equally annoying to me when a guy keeps emailing me asking me to do things when clearly I did not find him attractive after the first date. This is not a chase to me but a simple annoyance. I want to be able to get back to him and say that I like him, then if he responds, I will be sure that's it's mutual.
Or she never cared about you like something else than a friend, and didn't realise you saw it like something more and therefore didn't see any harm i sending you a text when she was in your corner of the world. I could easily have done the same. Like I do with many of my friends, regardless of gender. I don't keep track of made the last effort to get in touch.
DeleteHe was doing her a favor. She was obviously far more interested in him that he reciprocated. Humoring her by continuing even 'friendly' texts, etc. would only have fueled her delusion further and would have inevitably caused her more pain as she would have gotten more attached with more contact from him. He was not her boyfriend, he didn't owe her anything. He could have "strung her" along for easy sex with half-assed communication since she was so persistent, but he at least respected her or himself enough not to do that, so I believe he was actually behaving with integrity by just going silent instead. I hate getting rejected like this, and yes, it is the man rejecting me when he quits initiating communication. But denying the rejection and trying to reverse it by chasing the man is pathetic and fundamentally, I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I just try to have the courage (as mentioned in Andrew's "Why rejection is a good thing" post) to accept the painful message, learn something from it, and stay 'open', 'feminine', and not get bitter so that I can appreciate men who do value me enough to not ignore my texts.
DeleteVery well said, Anonymous 5:42. I am clipping your reply and pasting it on my wall. :-)
Delete2 parts:
DeleteOk, it happened AGAIN. GUYS, tell me wtf I am doing wrong!!!
Met a guy about 1.5 mos. ago at a party. I could tell he was attracted to me right off the bat as I was him. He talked to me a lot and made eye contact, made jokes, smiled, etc. I am not attracted to that many guys on average. Inmo, finding someone attractive and BEING ATTRACTED to someone are very different things. With him, it was both. Not long after meeting, we became friends on Fakebook. IT was obvious he was kind of pursuing me. One night I posted "Going out to X Club, if you want to go let me know". He messages me immediately and said I want to go, can you pick me up? At that point, I didn't know him real well and wasn't sure I even liked him. I figured he wanted to go as a friend but I was wrong. His flirtation the entire time was *intense* and I felt electricity between us. The night was fun and we laughed a lot and I liked being with him. He asked to kiss me and we kissed a couple times. He was really drunk and even mentioned sex to which I replied I am not easy, we did not hook up. Later he apologized and claimed he had no memory of this convo which is possible b/c he was smashed. That was a few weeks ago btw. Right after we hung out he started calling me right away. All hours of the night too, he came on super strong. Now usually, I do *not* like that behavior, it scares me away. I don't like when a guy chases me. One reason is b/c lots of guys chase me so it's boring. I am attractive, smart, funny, have lots of guys around me and guy friends and they usually hit on me. I am not bragging, it's just the reality of the situation. This guy, we will call him "Mike" seemed to be really into me and it was extreme. It normally would push me away but for the fact that he was different somehow and I really liked him too. He wanted to talk constantly. Within a very short am't of time he blew up my phone, wrote me lots of messages and even poems on Facebook, always wanted to "hear my voice", see me, etc. I was somewhat receptive but also hesitant and not just b/c I like to control the situation. I didn't want to get hurt and he seemed like a player. I know of at least one other girl who he said he was in love with at the time. I guess I was playing it cool but it was inadvertant. he knew I was hurt before. He made it clear early on to "not get too involved with him" I told him several times I fall in love easily, which is true if I am feeling you. C'mmon, we talk every day for HOURS AND HOURS you call me, are extremely charming and persuasive, I think you're hot, it's only a matter of time before you grow on me. This is precisely what happened. We hung out a few more times within the last month and always had a great time, laughed a lot, kissed A LOT and were very attracted to each other. He was an open book and we talked about sex and all kinds of topics which were risque. I am thinking I shouldn't have now but we ended up sexting one day. We never had sex IRL=in real life. He still pretty much acted the same after wards so I don't think it changed a whole lot. It was him who kept talking about sex and I did consider just hooking up with him w/o letting feelings get involved. He would usually contact me first, it was so often that it got on my nerves sometimes!
I still don't know WHAT the MO was. Did he just want to f*ck and leave it at that? This is where it gets complicated. When I would ask him he would always act like "no I like you a lot. I want to know you and get to know you. I don't just want sex". The last time I saw him was about 10 days ago :( When I left, things were fine. We went out with some friends and were at a bar that we both liked. There was some heavy petting going on and he was really aggressive. We made out and he was feeling me up pretty much. I think I would have had sex with him that night and it seemed like he wanted to but then he would say he had to go and made up excuses which seemed weird. Again, hot and cold. We continued to talk but he seemed more serious in the coming weeks. he didn't bring up sex too much anymore and he wrote less. It was also clear that I liked him a lot and I told him. was this one mistake I made? he sort of never acted the same after I told him I had feelings for him. He already seemed more distant but after that he seemed to pull away even more. He stopped calling me about a week ago. He is super stressed and busy with work but still, if he wanted to see me I'm sure he could figure something out right? I was gropwing annoyed with his antics. I know he's a passionate person and I can't figure out why he went so cold on me. Besides caring about him, nothing had changed with me. Should I have acted like I didn't want him? I called him to but only a couple times. No response. I had even resorted to asking him "do you want to see me or what". The last time I asked him I pretty much outright demanded the truth. I said "Do you never want to see me again, ever". he responded "Yeah." that was the end. I was livid and de friended him on Facebook and told him off. I said that I can't just be friends with him as he had suggested. The only explanation I got for his behavior was that we were getting pretty deep and he wanted to put a stop to it before anyone got hurt. Why would you push someone away that you supposedly "really like"? is that bullshit and maybe he just didn't want me anymore and didn't have the heart to say it? Anyway, I stopped texting the other day and I do not plan on calling him. I regret (somewhat) un friending him and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I wrote him after I was calm and told him I did want to be just friends if he still wants to and I am sorry for un friending him. He knows I can have a temper. He has not responded :( Truth is, I would still be friends with him but I kind of want more. I don't mean relationship even I just want things to be how they were. the question is: What do you think went wrong? I am aggressive too. he told me he liked that but then when I was aggressive he was pretty unresponsive. Did I come on too strong? I thought guys liked direct women...Do you think he pulled away b/c feelings were involved and he didn't want to get hurt or is that BS? is there any way to rectify this mess? I admit, I pushed him away too :/ I will not contact him again and will give him space. Will he come back on his own or has too much damage been done? is there anything I can do?
DeleteTL;DR: Met this guy who seemed enamoured by me and I with him. everything was great. he contacted me all the time. I told him I cared about him about a week ago and ever since then he acts weird. I got mad at him a couple times b/c he was distant because I have a temper and I feel bad about it. As it stands now, he is not even speaking to me. I feel like he still likes me though. What happened and how can I change this around so he is chasing me again, or is it too late?
Dozens of guys get heartbroken almost every night when they try to approach girls, or even after a while in the relationship. This happens fewer times with girls, no need to ache so much.
ReplyDeleteHeartbroken after APPROACHING girls? I can imagine a man taking an upfront rejection from a stranger as a slight hit to the ego, but not to the heart. The situation we're talking about is one where you're involved with one another. And especially if you've had sex, women are biologically wired to connect to the man. I hate the fact that this happens to girls after sex, but there is little to do about it other than trying to be extra choosy. I think this is the main cause women can get 'clingy' and in the grand total has a lot of heartache.
DeleteJust my opinion but in your situation... it wasn't just her, your actions too were flawed, seriously... Man or Woman... when you don't wanna speak to someone anymore, your not being thoughtful by avoiding hurt feelings. I find, both in dumping or being dumped, the best course of action... whether verbally, by email or by text just say:
ReplyDelete"Hey, thanks for taking out time and spending it with me, but your just not what I am looking for, sorry, good luck in the future"
Why??? because people cannot argue with that... There is no way to misinterpret what you are saying and at this point, ignoring is 100% okay, just saying.
I completely agree.
DeleteThis 100&. If you have slept together, and hung out several times, you need to let the person know it's over. Doing 'the fade' is acceptable after a casual first date or if nothing has happened between you. But you have even told girls on this blog that sometimes you need closure, how on earth will you achieve that if a guy won't get back to you? It's childish and disrespectful. The girl you're talking about simply needed closure.
DeleteI completely agree. I think the writer of this is a very egocentric jerk! I can not believe it how proudly he shares the story of hurting feelings and ignoring others. That is very irresponsible and immature!
DeleteI totally agree too. There is some thing cold, that speaks volumes about the guy that wrote this article. Reading what he has to say, one would think it a crime to fall for some one who is just not into you. The only sad case here, is the writer of this article and not the girl he treated so shabbily. There's nothing to be proud of here and as a matter of fact,it points out the guy's underlying insecurity. Insecure men like to feel big by intentionally hurting women but we all know that underneath it all, they are lonely and wish they were emotionally healthy enough to feel or accept love from others.
DeleteI totally agree with the guy, once the guy decides break up with girl , this can never be changed no matter how many times you get back with each other. Once after a break up, even if the guy comes back to you he would still keep doing that every now and then, its simply that he dint find anybody else in that period, so you gotta be wise and make a sensible decision letting him into your life again is digging your own pit and talking from own experince he gave 4 chances he couldnt stand any of them decided not to giv anymore
DeleteI agree with Anonymous (September 4). That girl liked you and wanted to be with you. You broke her heart twice, first when you dumped her and then when you ignored her. My heart goes out to her and I hope she finds someone who treasures her.
ReplyDelete"Anonymous said...
ReplyDeleteThis breaks my heart. The girl was clearly very into you. It's tough when you really like someone and are powerless to do anything about it because the rejecter holds the cards. She obviously enjoyed your company very much and was trying to reach out to see how you were. I doubt it meant that she wanted to sleep with you, more likely she wanted to see how you were - she liked you - and I don't think it is fair to say she is needy and insecure. Reading this post made my heart ache for all the girls you have done this to. :(
September 4, 2011 2:41 AM "
PA-LEEZE. Sorry, but I've seen my friends and others do this before and the movitvation is hardly "they just really like you". No, it's manipulative. Come on, girls -- stop being doormats. Seriously. No one likes to be bugged -- if a guy were doing it to you, you'd be creeped out.I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds a little guilty -- like you've done it before, now realize how sad it is, and want to make excuses for it.
Wait, how are we supposed to ask for feedback about why they broke up with us if we're not supposed to contact them? I'm confused.
ReplyDeleteThis is a good question. Maybe I didn't make the general point clear enough. It isn't contacting PER SE that is the problem; it is contacting him with the intention of getting him back that you need to avoid. So if you call him a month after he breaks up with you, and make no alusion whatsoever to wanting a reconcilliation, but instead just say "look, I want to know what I did wrong," this isn't violating the principle of "cutting him off." You're still maintaining the critical attitude, which is "if you didn't want me, you have to live with that decision; I am not going to crawl after you begging for you to want me."
ReplyDeleteHowever, another way is to ask for the feedback right away when he breaks up with you, and immediately before you cut him off. This could be difficult due to the emotions involved, etc., so I think as long as you understand the basic principle, you will be able to decide for yourself what is appropriate.
Now, if YOU call him a month later and HE suggests you get back together (after he gives you feedback, for example), tell him to fuck off. The only way you accept him back is if he comes crawling back begging (metaphorically, I mean), and deciding to want you back only after you made the effort to call him does not qualify.
I didn't understand this quite well.
ReplyDeleteDid you break up with her or did you just start ignoring her?
Ignoring.
ReplyDeleteShe was always hinting at the fact that she "wasn't like other girls," and wasn't looking for a relationship, etc. so I felt no obligation towards her whatsoever. It was just painfully obvious afterwards that the whole thing was a facade. In fact, I need to write a post about that, because I've had a few girls who clearly thought acting like they didn't care was the way to go...
I am waiting for this post!
DeleteI have been (sort of) guilty of this myself - more in the sense that I didn't care to begin with and distance made it "given" that we wouldn't be together, so I hid the feelings that appeared because I was too scared it wouldn't lead anywhere anyway.
I know a lot of girls who say they're different, "I'm not the clingy, needy type", "I don't want to be his gf, I just want a bit more respect from him" etc., and usually it turns out to be false.
However, I must add that some guys are the reason why girls feel the need to act this way. This entire thing about guys pretending girls are clingier than they are "we slept together, and now she totally wants me", "she just doesn't want to leave me alone", does my head in. And assuming a girl will be clingy before she's had the chance to prove otherwise. It's clearly an ego-boost for guys, but when it's based on nothing, it's ridiculous and annoying.
That is a bit harsh isn't it? Just to ignore someone without giving them closure? I suppose that is your strategy and I'm sure a lot of other guys abide by ignoring a girl will just make them go away. I guess you are just afraid of confrontation and in reality girls/guys should be able to be wise enough to take a hint.
DeleteI do have a question though, what if hypothetically a guy became friends with a girl they slept with, enjoyed their company and claimed they liked? The only complication is that the girl dumped him for someone else and she came back a few month later to reconnect as a friend and he accepted. Does this mean he might still be carrying a torch since HE is NOT ignoring her? Just very curious =)
He likes her. End of story. I can count on one hand the number of male-female relationships I have ever seen that were purely platonic. It might not mean he wants to date you (I mean "her") but it does mean there is an attraction there.
DeleteAndrew, so you do not believe a guy can just want to be friends with a girl? He is attracted to her sexually if he spends any amount of time socially with her? What if they dated previously? What if he broke up with her and still keeps up a friendship? And I suppose you are talking about one on one socializing and not group socializing......
Deletetoo bad you're just using him to boost your ego
DeleteCan a guy really be just friends with a girl? If he wants to spend time with her one on one, does that mean he is sexually attracted? And what if he broke up with the girl that he spends one on one time with? Does that mean he wants her back or just her friendship?
DeleteBTW, I believe a girl can spend time with a guy alone and want or feel nothing. Just not sure about the other way around.
Why does it matter? What does she want? She is wasting her time either way trying to figure out his next move.
Deletei agree. guys think we're going to cling onto them just because we made out or had sex? wth. get over your head...
DeleteOK, thanks for providing more details about this girl. She clearly wasn't the sincere person I had imagined after reading your original post (It was me at September 21). from what you say, it looks like you did the right thing in breaking up with her.
ReplyDeleteHey, thanks for a great blog! Please keep doing it. Helps immensely. Hey, how open are you to random readers e-mailing you for advice/interpretation of situations? Can I e-mail you with my questions?
ReplyDelete"So if you call him a month after he breaks up with you, and make no allusion whatsoever to wanting a reconciliation, but instead just say "look, I want to know what I did wrong," this isn't violating the principle of "cutting him off.""
ReplyDeleteSo in the case of the ignoring after a date (in which he gushed about how attracted he is to me and thought about me all weekend, asked me directly if I want kids and said he does, complimented my personality and looks repeatedly, said he wants to see me again and booked me for the following Sat. night a week in advance, ends the night with a sweet hug and "I look forward to chatting with you this week" and then just disappears, and a date in which I was a perfect Lady (see "Not Tonight Mr. Right") and let him be a perfect gentleman, and say in a month I decide to do the follow up for feedback only, just how is the best way to phrase that to avoid sounding needy and insecure, especially if I'm not and I truly would like the feedback? My guess here is that he's looking short term and my classy behaviour indicated long term, so poof....
I guess that's kind of 2 questions. If he disappeared I'm not going to say anything, except perhaps wait that month for the followup (unless I just don't care by then even for that). My other question is why would he come on so strong and seemed genuine, and I know I behaved properly (appearance, conversation, let him take the lead, open doors, help me into and out of the car, pick me up at my office etc., let myself feel and be feminine...) and then just disappear. I guess that's why we're all reading your blog. It's the not knowing!
Yes, feel free to e-mail me at:
ReplyDeletetherulesrevisited@gmail.com
Make sure to include your age and which country you are from if it isn't the USA - these things can matter a lot but are always missing when people send me e-mails.
"I decide to do the follow up for feedback only, just how is the best way to phrase that to avoid sounding needy and insecure, especially if I'm not and I truly would like the feedback?"
ReplyDeleteI started writing a response to your question and it grew into a whole post. Check it out here
As for why the date went wrong, my guess is that another girl is in the picture, but it is difficult to say without knowing more details.
ReplyDeleteSecond most likely: he didn't find you as attractive during the date and felt social pressure (i.e. because he'd asked you on the date and movies, etc. portray these idea first-date situations all the time) to actually pretend he was really into it.
I agree with Kay (Sep 18th). There's always room for respect & courtesy & communicating better / more openly in dealing with others. IMO, if someone doesn't actually verbally end things, it's because they want to leave them open ie for some form of potentially FWB hookups in future.
ReplyDeleteSo how many of those women have you infected with HPV? #realizesthisbloggerisamanwhore
ReplyDeleteIn case of "moving on", do you think men do so easier than women? I think men are better at "sorting their thoughts", i.e. change focus, but at the same time I've heard guys say that they struggle more to move on than women do? According to research men also tend to cope worse when being involuntarily single. Does it largely depend on his options?
ReplyDeleteEither way, do guys really take time to get past a girl they had feelings for and miss her? Or does it pretty much disappear as soon as you've gotten another girl to bed?
Also (I know this is individual though), what are guys' thoughts on rekindling an old love? I do NOT mean the situation where he called it off. I mean situations where either the girl ended it, it faded away, there was a fight then silence, etc.. If I cut a guy off and bump into him a year later, is there any chance if seeing what's there? I mean mostly talk about what happened if you haven't talked (if guys are willing to do that?) and also see if there is something there. Or do guys put the girl in a box "she doesn't like me enough" or "she's hopeless" and then completely write her off forever?
While I'd love to answer your questions, I don't think there is a "guy mentality" or "girl mentality" to any of the situations you pose. I think all of these issues are more matters of personality and circumstances than sex. You will find more variety among men and women than you will between the two sexes. Some guys will be interested in rekindling old relationships, others won't. Some will get over breakups easily, others won't. etc.
DeleteAmazing blog. Just sent you a long email with a ton of questions and possible future post ideas. Keep up the good work - Liz
ReplyDeleteBest advice ever .
ReplyDelete"I've broken up with a fairly large number of girls, and the girls that respond to the news correctly I have a huge amount of respect for – to the point that I sometimes question whether or not I should have let them go."
ReplyDeleteWhat's the right way to respond to the news?
The right way to response is to cut him off completely. Make him live with his decision not to date you but not letting him even talk to you or see you.
DeleteThe whole " just stop calling or contacting" after a date is very telling in that you have bad manners. Bad manners are a sign of bigger problems.
ReplyDeleteSo, if you contact her again. She should ignore you?
ReplyDeleteIf I've already demonstrated that I am not interested in anything serious (and that is what she wants), yes, she should ignore me.
DeleteHow far can a girl go (without having a commitment negotiated), on a first or any date, and still be considered LTR material? I guess this could be defined by the 'bases' concept?
ReplyDeleteA good makeout session tides me over just fine for a long time, but if that would be damaging how I'm viewed by potential suitors, I won't give that up either. Although the thought of not even getting to make-out is depressing. There's got to be a certain distance a girl can go right? or she also risks being dumped as being too frigid or prudish.
Which makes me think of another question - do I give away information on how experienced I may or may not be based on how good/not good a kisser I am? My opinion is that you are a good kisser if you've kissed a lot - but you could still be a virgin and only ever kissed one guy (a lot) and be a really awesome kisser, so I don't think that would be a fair thing to judge by. But do guys notice/assess that?
The rule of thumb is to be less willing to get to each "base" than the average girl. If a guy is more conservative, you might need to be less willing even than that, but less than average is a good starting point.
DeleteI wouldn't ever point out your experience or inexperience; it is irrelevant, and in general it is a bad idea to say anything negative about yourself.
That's just it, I would not be verbally pointing out my experience or inexperience - I am wondering instead if my kissing style might cause a man to come to some conclusion about my level of experience that might be totally wrong.
DeleteI've been told I "kiss very well", I just wonder if that translates to something else in internal 'man-speak'.
Not really, no. I see what you are saying, but unless the fact that a girl is a good kisser is accompanied by other evidence to suggest that she is "easy" it won't make most guys think so.
DeleteWill you elaborate on what that other evidence could be? Your point of view is much appreciated, as always.
DeleteDang - that previous comment was supposed to be in "Don't Fuck on the First Date", not here in this "Cut Him Off" post. Clicked the wrong link.
ReplyDeleteDo you think 'cutting someone off' completely is more important for girls than guys?
ReplyDeleteI have been emotionally involved with two guys. The first one I have blocked from all my channels (facebook, skype, deleted number and past conversations). The second I am still trying to work things out with but he is removed from facebook for now.
I do feel kind of sad that someone I was involved with will disappear from my life entirely. I don't have feelings for or sexual desire for the first guy anymore, but it is as if we never knew each other, and it is weird. I envy those who remain friends or at least friendly. I see plenty of people are friends with others on fb they were at some point very involved with. Is a forever-lasting, complete cut-off always necessary?
This is a tough question but I think the answer is that the degree of separation needed after a relationship is directly proportional to the seriousness of the relationship itself. In other words, the more you loved him, the more you need to cut him out of your life in order to move on.
DeleteI strongly recommend that before you do this, though, you make it clear to him that you are doing it SO THAT you can move on, and that if he changes his mind, he should contact you again - but ONLY if he changes his mind. That way you can walk away from him without doubts about whether or not he has second thoughts.
I do think that cutting someone off is usually more important for women than men, yes; but there are certainly cases where a man needs to do the same thing with a girl who breaks up with him.
I have always been under the impression that "no contact" works faster for men than for women, because men (at least masculine men with typical masculine traits) are able to sort their thoughts better than women (focusing on one thing, part of why they're not as good at multitasking). Perhaps subjective, but my father has always had this mindset - if something cannot be changed, he stops thinking about it and guides his thoughts somewhere else.
DeleteI suppose that's why women can get needy and insist on a lot of communication, even if a guy is busy with work. I have often been afraid that not seeing a guy for some time will result in him meeting someone else or become less infatuated. Then again, I suppose focusing on something else CAN be why a man doesn't respond to texts right away.
ok, i've been seeing a guy for a couple of years, we both agreed to take a break, hes a comitment phob, but ultimatly we are very close friends, he finaly laid it all out a few weeks ago saying he cant give me the commitment i deserve, i deserve better, he needs space and a relationship without the preassure of sex, blah blah blah...anyway he hasnt stopped contacting me, i didnt text or call, i left him to it, hes visited my house, sent me texts till 2am, dropped of a gift to my work place???? im very confused...
ReplyDeleteYep, cut him off. Tell him he either needs to get his shit together and decide that he wants to date you, or stop contacting you. Unless he wants to get back together, you shouldn't be answering his texts/calls.
DeleteIs there any way advice you can give if you're around a guy such as at university and you want him to notice you and ask you out? What if there are girls prettier than you?
ReplyDeleteWork on your appearance, give him opportunities to talk to you, and if he doesn't bite, forget about him.
DeleteHi Andrew,
ReplyDeleteI love your blog, you helped me a lot! Thank you for the great advice!
'...the thought of a girl having to do anything other than agree to male propositions in order to get laid is far more repulsive than the idea of a woman trying to salvage an obviously failed relationship; so I refuse to consider it.'
ReplyDeleteYou clearly have some issues with women, common courtesy (why wouldn't you just respond and convey that you weren't interested), and being a decent human being. Are you really saying that women who take active control of their sex/love lives repulse you? Are you threatened by women who act as human beings and acknowledge their sexuality instead of simply responding to men? Ok cool, have fun banging that blow up doll dude.
That part you quoted is actually my favorite part of the post!
DeleteAs a woman, I would never feel comfortable having to initiate sex with a man, and I know deep down there is something wrong if I have to. Men are never so gentlemanly that they "forget" making a move!
And yes I acknowledge my sexuality and am very confident in bed.
Saying no to sex if you're not interested or want to wait IS taking control of your sex life.
May I just say.....
ReplyDeleteI recently went through a messy breakup. All my friends gave me such bullshit advice. Your blog really spelled out for me all the stuff I did wrong. Thanks so much.
This is really, really sad. Our hearts were meant to be open to each other, to accept and love each other. People start sleeping around, and their hearts are forever hardened. It's almost too sad for the poor schmuck you end up with, the "schmuck" who thought she was lucky to grab empty hearted you. Once you've taken someone to your bed, being cold afterwards just shows how vicious and self-centered you are. And if you'v been with her long-term, double shame on you. You should never know the joy of being truly loved, just truly used, by someone who has designs on your money. or whatever superficial "thing" you have to offer. Of course she should turn her nose up at you. You're no catch.
ReplyDeleteI suggest you read more of this blog - you might get a fuller impression of the many facets of its writer's personality. I don't think he is shallow or cold-hearted. He's very smart, and I don't mean just book smart. It may just be a matter of opinion. Sometimes the truth hurts, but that's no reason to spew vitriol onto the person who's opinion you don't agree with.
Deletestop obsessing about what someone does to you. Has anyone ever just stop and considered that maybe the point is to figure out what *you* are thinking, feeling and want?
ReplyDeleteStop trying to force other people to do, be, or say what they are not capable of.
I do agree with the comments here that simply "ignoring' someone as a way to end something is a pretty shitting thing to do.
but you don't need someone else to give you closure. Take your own power back and give yourself closure instead: his actions speak for themselves -- and I promise you -- no one gets off scott free in the end. Whether it's a man -- or a woman -- in the end they have to look at themselves in the mirror. And the more harm that someone does -- it does bomarang back in the end. Anyone that is hurtful to someone -- and ignoring them as a way to end a relationship is incredibly hurtful -- it means there is something inside the person that would behave like that, that is broken and shut down. And that's the issue: the fact that you can do something like this means on several levels you are the one that is not ready yet for real love.
And to the people that have had this occur to them? When someone behaves that way -- the issue is usually THEM --not you.
Take your own power back. Create your own opportunties for closure. His ignoring you is a passive aggressive move meant to get back at his mmam and probably has nothing to do with you at all.
Let go and move on.
He's broken.
Count yourself lucky you never have to see him again.
Awesome advice. Thank you
DeleteI am Copy and Pasting this advice and if I could, I would blow it up and put it on my ceiling (so I see it first thing every morning) and use a projector, so it blasts on my wall at the best moments. IT IS GOLDEN!!
DeleteI always cut a guy off if we stopped dating - if I cared enough about him to sleep with him, I need no contact to move on, that means no interaction or communication of any sort. If we would meet, I couldn't manage to be sweet or anything like that - preferably I'd be quiet or just neutral.
ReplyDeleteIs a "let's pretend us never happened" approach okay most of the time? Can it come across as cold, mean or overly emotional? Most women who get emotionally involved wants to pretend it never happened, although I believe men, as you've said, would still do it again as they "just get laid for a while".
If the breakup was mutual or the girl's move (perhaps provoked by his actions or whatever), does that change things?
I was seeing a guy and he wrote to me that he'll miss me and thinks about our time together - if I see him I can't bare to be sweet. You've written about women behaving "appropriately" after a break-up and all. But does it really matter if the guy is out of your life? Can't I just turn the other way if I see him on the street?
If you break up with a guy, then HE is the one that should cut YOU off. I still think it would be smart to cut him off, but it isn't your responsibility as much as it is his.
DeleteI don't think you should pretend a relationship never happened. It did, so you should acknowledge it. But this doesn't mean that you need to stay in touch or be close any more. I think it is healthy to acknowledge that you can't relate to each other in the same way anymore, and that often this means that you shouldn't relate to each other at all any more.
best advice ever!
ReplyDeletealthough I think it is much more complicated when you are dealing with a guy friend who you like, or when you are trying to bridge the friend zone....
Hey, How about the guy let's the girl know he's not interested any longer!
ReplyDeleteIt's the right and respectful thing to do! A simple text saying "sorry not interested no longer" would suffice! Any girl willing to text back after that is just desperate! But at least we'll know what happened! Just disappearing makes a girl wonder what happened and she might text or call inquiring!
Hey, How about the guy let's the girl know he's not interested any longer!
ReplyDeleteIt's the right and respectful thing to do! A simple text saying "sorry not interested no longer" would suffice! Any girl willing to text back after that is just desperate! But at least we'll know what happened! Just disappearing makes a girl wonder what happened and she might text or call inquiring!
I agree that men should do this - though a little more tactfully than " sorry not interested no longer" ;)
DeleteHowever, the larger point I am trying to make (in this post but also in the blog as a whole) is that you can't expect men - or anyone in life - to make things easy for you. You need to look out for yourself out there, because 95% of men won't do it for you.
I don't think you need to be tactful. Brutually honest is the best approach, because sometimes trying to be nice might not convey the message and a woman/or man might still think there is a chance.
DeleteYou may be an asshole, but you sure are a helpful one. Thanks for the honesty and bluntness of your blogs. As a normal, pretty girl, I get a much needed reality check every time I read it.
ReplyDeleteYou sound pretty full of yourself to me.
DeleteI am
DeleteHi Andrew, I like ur blog because even if u're a jerk, u're quite honest and it gives useful highlights about men but let me tell u something as a woman,I dont think that all the women u've dated were that naive.Myself is often described by teachers,family or friends as being very smart both intellectually and emotionnally,some people even think I'm a genious but that is another story.(u'll excuse my english mistakes if there are any;I'm french)I've just flushed a jerk recently out of my life without even having sex with him and I helped girlfriends to do the same. U dont know that in fact u're doing the girl a favor by not responding to her. Dont mistake me, I like men and have great relationships with them but I dont allow them to break my heart(I just dont have sex at all with them or with anybody else because I have very high standards). Well, in some points, I am maybe full of myself too:)
DeleteOMG! reading your post stopped me completely from calling my ex. thank you so much!!!!!
ReplyDeletehe broke up with me after he moved to another state. when he first moved he said we would work it out and that we should stay together. Now, he's in a program in which he will be traveling continusly and told me that as hard as it is we should stop talking and seeing eachother. i dont know what to think. it seems unfair that he dragged me into this for four months to then cut it off so suddenly. im heart broken and i feel i need a better explanation as to why he's breaking up with me. Would it be ok to ask him this at some point?
How to Ask For Feedback from A Guy
DeleteHummm...What about a situation where neither party wanted to end the relationship, but the woman had to move back to her home state for economic support, due to lack of jobs in the area? This is my situation. I had to leave and he could not follow due to both of our economic situations. However, he has not come to visit me and I have been gone for over a year. He was very hurt, but he does not want to lose touch, yet he does not want to be in a long distant relationship. I have tried to cut him off, but he begs to keep in touch. I'm frustrated, because I have been to see him twice, but he has not yet made the sacrifice to come see me. I can take it if we are no longer in a relationship, but I would like for him to at least visit every now and then. He seems to think we will get back together. However, I'm feeling some kind of way that he has not gone out of his way to visit me. Not sure if I'm seeming too easy by keeping in touch or too hard by cutting him off.
ReplyDeleteYou can't blame him for not wanting to try long distance - it is destined to fail eventually. That being said, if YOU need him to visit to demonstrate his interest in keeping in touch, tell him that clearly, then cut him off if he doesn't do it.
DeleteI have a situation as well. I had been dating a guy long distance, we met last year online, he lived in Italy he came to US and we kept on dating online, he came back in May of this year,left, and now he is here officially to study. Everything was really good he cared, he kept contacting me and we went on dates for the first month and we were sexually active since we had met before. I am in love with him. Two weeks ago he stopped texting me, I waited a week and texted him telling him I missed him and that I wanted to see him, he said he would text me to let me know and never answered me, so I haven't sent him any messages and I have ignored him as well. I just wonder should I ask him for closure or should I just keep closing him off?
ReplyDeleteThere is no reason you can't do both - or rather, one then the other: contact him one more time, ask him what happened, get his answer, then never contact him again.
DeleteHi Andrew, I like ur blog even if u are pretty full of urself and sound like an honest jerk but still a jerk. I dont think that much women failed to see what is going on in men's head. Women are pretty smart u know but unfortunately a lot are after social approval or in need of affection which they naively think they can get from a man. When I've discovered that I'd might also have this trait,I've built myself a strong shield so I dont behave like a doormat like many women do. If for example u've would have tried urself to have sex with me, that would have never happened because I have really high standards(and a huge network of friends to spy on ur reputation/behaviour for me): I dont even speak to men that had too many girlfriends in the past, they just dont exist for me.And the funniest thing is because of that,I'm still a virgin,I dont smoke,do drugs, drink etc as a woman in her late twenties.I know extremely well my value and I wont accept any kind of individual to share my intimacy:) Lol, I sound full of myself also!
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for awhile, but I have to say this is by far my favorite post. I find myself coming back to read it routinely. Just thought I'd give some props. Cheers,
ReplyDelete-EV
Sorry but you sound like a jerk to me and I hope not all guys are like this. If you've been out on 3 dates or more with someone (I think even 1 is enough! but that's too much to ask for a guy, perhaps) and esp if you've slept with them, the LEAST you owe that person is a phone call explaining that you no longer have interest in dating them. To just disappear without a word is cruel... I feel badly for every woman's heart you broke!
ReplyDeleteYes strangely I have come across this blog and have read quite a few posts and I'm starting to actually think we are reading the thoughts of a strange little woman hating mad man. Dude you've probably never even had a girlfriend. Who do you think you are! And with the way you sound who the hell would want you?
DeleteThe sad thing is that poor women reading this are eating up your bu*lshit!
Ladies please - your being as gullible as this guy wants you to be by giving him the time of day and reading his nasty crap. Each time you agree with him he's probably thrilled at your stupidity inside. I say someone broke his heart a long time ago and he's made it his "occupation" to make women feel like crap.
There are a lot of weirdo's in this world.......
He might sound like a jerk, but at least an honest jerk. By the way, guys do the same. This guy and I had been dating for about two months, had an argument because you told me he didn't do cocaine, which he did, and then we stopped talking. Then a month later, he sent me a text at 3 a.m. telling me he was in front of my building, just walking by. What the hell? Mind you, we never had sex in two months, so not sure what he was looking for at 3 a.m. a month later .. Maybe someone has some thoughts ...
ReplyDeleteI have been feeling bad all week. This guy I was into and dating the past 5 months said there was no spark between us. We met this summer and had many romantic evenings and great date nights. I have no idea what went wrong. He said he know im good 4 him and I have a bright future and beautiful but dont know what it is. I asked him where this was headed and thats the response I got....but still says he wants to date me...we r both in grad school. im in nc he is in va he went back to school after although we r from the same area the distance with school wasnt bad. All I know is I went up to see him this weekend and he was acting different towards me. A little cold. I got some attention some affection but he was colder than normal. I cried like a baby to myself cause I wasted my time and feelings were deep on my end. He hasnt said anything and neither have I. What happened? Im trying to move on but keep thinking how...what do u think about this...
ReplyDeleteAnd when he said no sparks between us as much as we joke around and laugh and enjoy each other as comfortable as we both were I feel like he was saying ur nothing special. He said I would be hearing from him nd I can go up to va and he will come here and visit but something is missing. He said he doesnt feel that extra. he said he was excited to see me and he was missing me but when I got there he dont know what happened as if I dissappointed him. His communication was always a problem 4 me. He said he only had 2 girlfriends and dont really know what we want right now. He said maybe when both our careers r established it will be right. But if he doesnt feel anything 4 me I dont wanna hold on because I gave everything I had
ReplyDeleteI've known a woman who was in love with her now husband which she said she had chased after they broke up. She didn't do itout of desparation or hurt ego, she's a beautiful woman who had many admirers but She realized he was the one for her when she lost him. She consistently hoped, chased and got rejected for two year years, (by email and phone because they were long distance) During which time she had dated hoping to move on but she couldn't. Finally she got the nerve to come see him to profess her love, with no expectation. But she had to try for the last time before she completely lets him go. It turned out he just needed to see her, he still loved her. Now, they are the happiest and most in love husband and wife I've seen going on their fourth year.
ReplyDeleteI'm not trying to encourage chasing after men and I agree with Andrew and discourage it. But this true life story makes me think sometimes because of my pride I had just let go of my one true love .... which may just as well just needed encouragement or not -- I don't know. (we split because of timing issues) .
All circumstances are different, and its sad to just rely on superficial reasons to let go of a possible happy coupling or even marriage.
Hummm...this is interesting ....
DeleteI met a guy....I felt like we hit it off....but then I left the country for work.
At first we did not have contact....but then I did text him to see what was going on....he said he wanted to talk to me....but then had a period of two weeks where we did not talk.
Then we talked every day.....but now there is another silence.
He has said a few times before the distance is very hard for him.
I was planing to go home to visit my family and see him while Im there next month. Since he has not contacted me in a week, Im wondering if he has started dating another girl....
Im also not sure if I should attempt to see him while Im at home or not...but maybe its worth it just to be there face to face without the distance.
I sort of thought it was all over....especially if I look at Andrews's way of handling things....but I feel like I at least deserve an honest answer. Im not asking for him to be into me if he's not....or to like me if he likes someone else...but to just be upfront about it!
Anyhow this post has given me a bit of hope that if I feel strongly about someone....I should at least peruse .....even though ALL THE RULES SAY OTHERWISE!!!!!!!!
Were your fingers broken? It was cowardly and cruel to just ignore her when all you would have had to do is text back something like this: "Thanks for asking, but no. I really enjoyed the time we spent together, but I'm not interested in continuing the relationship." She was probably just wondering what the hell happened to you. Most girls will cut you off pretty quick if you're upfront and honest about wanting to end the relationship. What keeps us hanging is silence or trying to let us down "easy" by slowly weaseling out of the relationship. You're not being gentle, you're being a weeny. Wouldn't you rather a woman come right out and say when she wants to break up?
ReplyDeleteUh you are so damn right! I hate the writer of this article as much as he may be right about male psychology! Thank you for bringing that up! He sounds like he is proud of acting like a jerk!
DeleteLol! @ were your fingers broken ..Aaliyah throwback. Anywho, I agree-ish, but it is more complicated. Or maybe it's not and I'm just overcomplicating it because I'm a woman.. Or maybe... [Insert further complexity here] :) My point is that everyone/situation is different and if we all acted according to the rules the world would be a very stoic, calculating, boring , loveless place. All movies would suck, babies would sieze to be cute and dwarves could not be hired for special events. Unimaginable really. The important thing is to know yourself, love yourself, trust yourself, and be yourself. Then do whatever you want because there are a lot of really funny texts you can send to a guy whose affection you know you've already lost.haha Seriously - be creative. You'll laugh (alone pathetically in your bed but laughter is laughter). Go nuts sisters. This has only happened to me once in grown person age (unexpected unrequited love that is) - as I am pretty attractive, funny, as well as intelligent, beyond that I'm intuitive so I can kinda feel when things are not right - but I can still help you mere mortals with this. Alright so I'm in my early twenties, and yes I contacted him a lot (not a crazy lot but enough to clearly imply "wait I made a mistake I love you!"at best, and "I am completely insane you might need to change your number!" At worst). Why? Because I am not a Victorian maiden, not so insecure that being ignored is damaging, nor am I so prideful that I don't go after something I feel is/was mutually there in a serious way. If you miss someone and want to see them then say it! I mean, does anyone believe in love anymore?!? Must we act like bitter, single middle aged woman before our time?! Must I ignore the fact that I'm really attractive and can thus say/do pretty much whatever I want!?! I say no! (Very much kidding about last one but you get the idea) But honestly being opened hearted and loving should never make you feel bad about yourself. Only you know what your feelings and motivations are. My situation was a nuanced one with backs and forths and ups and downs throughout the however many months. Either way I loved him and still probably do and if I send him a text saying I hope he's doing well it's because I actually do. I really really do. Some people are just beautiful people and it's not so difficult to just wish them the best and not feel that you need something from them? Can only see people's actions through our own lense of selfishness and then judge them based on it. "Like oooo they must want to see me." Or "wow can't he take a hint" some people are just good people and maybe they are just sending a little love your way! We should always treat other people with respect and even love - for many reason. But if you find yourself in the situation of omg I liked him where'd he go!? like, a lot.. Then figure out what's missing in YOU that you're seeking in another. This goes out to guys too because they pretend that it's all about the poonani when we know you guys wish you could cry all the time . Ps; the chasing stuff when they ignore you I am only applying to LOVE. Or if you think it's funny and are saying funny things or my favourite which is the combination of both. I don't know if that even made sense or why I'm writing here ( an act slightly more embarassing to me than sending unrequited love texts) - all I know is that without love there is nothing. And without girls like the one mentioned in the post there would be no scenarios as such from which guys such as the writer could boost their ego - which could mean the end of war and conflict worldwide but could also lead to a world without puppies which no one wants.
ReplyDelete*cease to be.
ReplyDeleteBy the way i could be basing this merely from personal experiences of the first and only love prior to this one. We just loved eachother we rarely played games and ignored eachother for extended periods.. we did but neither of us simply stopped trying to contact so as to play the game when the other ignored. The one major instant out ignoring (post relationship) was because one party simply was not emotionally cabable of going there - truly. We were together for 3 years. But we were younger .. and Ace of Base said it best "Lucky love belongs in teenage heaven."Lol I am so gay.
We still talk and even when I'm sure we both would rather not we do - we have eachother's back even when we're dating other people - it is just love. That is love.
Also if you know deep down a guy doesn't like you anymore you can send well wishes, w.e. But is's kind of like wasting energies and time. Don't be arrogant with how busy you are, but ,NEVER let a man mess up your school, career, life, Taking up even mental energy in your head can be slowly doing that. I'm against the total cut-off if there has been no closure but I am also against constantly needing it and even more against serial dating because our brains could just be consumed with so many other interesting things than analyzing text messages etc. Also to the writer a girl who is just like "cool w.e" probably just didn't like you that much...which drumroll please is obviously why you gain new "respect" for her. Want what can't reallt have, tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme.... Beauty and the Beast. (No real reference to the film just wanted to close up the lyric). PEACE respond to this if you agree/disagree/were moved and want to offer me a book deal - to which I will consider but come to dramatically reject when I decided I feel mistreated and can't live with the set agreement for payment that I agreed to (althewhile thinking it's lower than what I want). But I'll ultimately come crawling back when I realize no one else could publish this book like you could...you'll ignore me for a few days but then become reinspired by my incessant emails and texts that remind me why you adored my style in the first place . Cool - it's a deal.
One last thing. The typos and grammatical errors in those two posts kinda burned my eyes to read but I haaaaad to come back and give major props to the writer of this post and the entire site. The article did stop me from sending a "hope you're well!" Text. He may have met another girl? And if she's prettier than me I'd loooove to see where he tracked down that rare impossible gem precious stone of a specimine. I'd have to feast my eyes on her myself. .. - I am not well - ill also probably still send the text once I get off here and have my nightly simultanous shower/masturbation/sob session. That's not true but is not out of the cards. Ps Though I do love pretty much every minute of my life that's cause I practice , gratitude, love, meditate and realize life is short and time should be spent appreciating and contributing not plotting and planning. But again, I am very much single, so if you want a relation, and pronto - then perhaps look not here - cause I'm definitely single! And will be happy as such even into my golden years. So.. My relationship perspectives may not be the best... Who knows. This has gone too far Get me off of here. :)
ReplyDeleteIn my personal opinion I believe every lady ( respectful or promiscuous ) deserves proper closure after having sexual contact with someone. It's just the rules of humanity and common courtesy. Have we resorted to being cruel hearted, emotionally damaged creatures that feen on hurting others destroying their lives ? Does it make us feel better inside ? Do you run when you see someone dying or call the police ? Do you have the courage and assertive enough to simply give closure. In my opinion a real man gives closure like a human being in a polite, mature, respectful manner after having sex. An immature man that's deeply hurting inside doesn't give closure but walks away afraid of confrontation.. It doesn't have to be emotionally abusive like calling the lady names. It should be in a polite manner. Simply giving closure takes courage. Any man that just walks away stops answering his calls is a coward. Women don't need to beg , simply need closure and move on. They don't know if he's just busy working or wants to move on. Why keep someone hanging ? I think if a man isn't man enough to give closure move on there's your closure. He's not assertive or pb passive aggressive. He wasn't worth it anyway.... Rules of civilization. You're either a human being that treats others kindly with respect or you're a cold hearted vicious soul that lacks consideration for others..
DeleteI have been hanging out with this guy for a while, he pretty much chased me before and after we hung out once. I even blew him off a couple times. We talked for a few months and then we ended up hanging out alot..sex. It did take me a while to have sex usually i don't do that unless im in a relationship. After having sex with him as a girl I let my emotions come in to play, so I wanted to know what was going on with us. He would reassure me most of the time, but we both didnt want a relationship, I just didnt want to get used, and just wanted to be respected. He ended up doing something to piss me off which now that I think about wasn't worth bringing up. He basically told me that I was jumping conclusions as always. Since then I havnt heard from him..to the point where I think something happened to him. Its just not like him. I've texted him saying r u ok like nothing. its been weeks since ive heard from him..i don't get why he cant just respond? Its not like I said I want a relationship I just don't want to be disrespected. And he has shit of mine at his house..and he wont even answer me to give it back! like I even told him he could mail them to my house like im not even asking him to hangout. So what do I do in this situation? Do i keep calling him to get my shit back? Ive honestly never experienced this..ive contacted him so much where ude think he'd just be like im not in to you or i have a gf. which would be totally fine with me I just want my shit back. Im honestly in shock like part of me wants to believe something actually happened and he's not ignoring me..he usually does answer its just not like him. It does suck because I actually did like hanging out with him, I guess there is nothing I can do at this point?
ReplyDeleteAm curious to hear a response for this, i had somewhat of a similar situation happen to me. He said something disrespectful to me and we got into a huge fight, i texted him a day later he did respond, however he left for italy for ten days and has been back for two weeks so we haven't talked in a month. He hasn't called and i haven't called. This article i have to say is what gives me courage. Everytime i feel like i want to call i read this article and i realize that i am not a pathethic girl who has to lower herself to chase after someone who has no desire to continue pursuing things with me. At least that is what i think, silence are words unspoken in my book at least.
DeleteI do notice something with a great deal of men, they absolutely hate being yelled at or criticized or chastised, and as women sometimes we can be brutal when you disrespect us, and lash out with words that we do not mean at that time, and some men will run away as fast as they can. its strange that he won't give you back your stuff at least, he can't be that mad otherwise you would have opened your door and your stuff would be sitting there in a box. Perhaps he is hurt, and trying to hurt you as a result.
I think there are two possibilities here:
Delete(a) You conveyed the intensity of your feelings to him more than you realize, and he knows that being in touch with you again just to give back a few things of small value (I am assuming they are small) would be more trouble than it is worth - even to you.
(b) He changed his phone number or died.
I say (b) in jest, since I assume you've heard a voice mail or something, but if the situation is as you described it (you aren't that into him and the things he has you really want back for their own value, not for the value of getting closure) then it really is strange that he isn't replying.
Yeah I really don't care about closure at this point! I just want my stuff back and one of the items isn't mine and I explained that to him and still..no answer!...Why should I have to replace something that he has? Its a brand new dvd and im not spending 20 dollars and i even told him my friend wants it back. Thats why I've been contacting him recently. I don't think its fair for me to spend ANY money where he's concerned. So do I tell him I'm gonna just knock on his door to get it? We both go to the same college and he lives alone..but I really don't want to do that! I feel like that's too crazy but he's crazy to not answer to this extent..any normal person would've answered by now. I just want my stuff back. i even told him he could mail it. Honestly, wouldn't you have just replied to something like that by now?
ReplyDeleteIt's a single DVD??? I was expecting you to tell me he had hundreds of dollars worth of jewelry or something. If it's just $20, I'd say just forget about it. I understand that you don't like the principle of it, but sometimes life isn't perfect. Are you sure that you aren't trying to get it back just to spite him?
DeleteIf it really bothers you that much, you can contact the police and get it back that way.
Nah its other stuff but I guess you're right. I just honestly want a response to know he's okay..Ive never had a guy ignore me like this so I don't understand his logic. And part me actually thinks something happened..i guess if he responded to mailing my stuff back i'de know he was really ignoring me and i would just leave it alone. I think thats why its so hard for me to get over it because Im not a 100% sure he's been ignoring me. He usually responds to my texts..no matter what i say. idk what else to do
ReplyDeleteThis is the best advice Ive read on this subject.My ex cooled off after I moved back from my own flat in with my parents,we had known each other about 7 months and seeing each other exclusively.We hadn't slept together because I wanted to take it slow and he seemed okay with that.
ReplyDeleteHe would always initiate contact but stopped doing so, although he would reply to my texts.After a few weeks of uncertainty I actually texted him saying some real conversation would be nice. He never replied so I just left it at that. But it really hurt and it took me about three months to get over.
I don't have the need to see/speak/contact him anymore, I don't even want to know why he broke up with me but it feels weird how you can just eliminate someone from your life without telling them. Im not sure I would have reacted any differently if he told me in person, bottom line is I don't want to go through more break ups than necessary as it can leave you feeling sad and less trusting about men
So have been dating a guy, thought we were approaching something official, he usually contacts me all the time, now it's been a week since we spoke. Shall I forget about it and start dating someone else?
ReplyDeleteTo the writer of this article......
ReplyDeleteI feel that it is very cowardly and childish to not have answered the girl's texts.
If you felt like there was no relationship that was going to develop, you should have just told her straight out that you were not really feeling it.
Then, she probably would not have kept texting you to see what was going on, or if you wanted to hang out.
Truth is, as a woman, we never really know what is going on in the minds and lives of you men! We should not have to read minds.....or guess what your lack of communication means!!!
If someone is communicating with you 2 weeks after you stop calling.....it's ignorant to not respond because obviously that person is unsure because your actions left them in an unsure state.
It's not responsible, it's not kind, it's not integrous , and it's not something to put down the girl for(if she calls to tell you how she feels and to ask you out after you stop communicating with her), and it's certainly not something that you should applaud yourself for!
I hope and pray that next time you are not feeling continuing a relationship or even just casual contact with someone, that you at least let them know.
I completely agree. It was kind of shitty. But that is exactly the point: a lot of men are (or at least act) this way. You can't go around expecting people to be responsible, kind, integrous, etc., which one of the reasons why women need to behave the way I recommend in this post.
DeleteJust read all what was blogged here. Nonsense upon stilts. What gives this jerk the right to think a woman reaching out is dumb. Ignoring texts as if you are the only man on the universe? Its jerks like him who make women believe all men are the same? If someone reaches to you even after a month, a REAL man will respect that by responding back politely but firmly. Why leave a woman hoping and hoping that there could still be a possibility when there is none.
ReplyDeleteI think what Andrew is saying is that sometimes people are jerks not only men are capable of this but women have been guilty of this "jerkish" behavior also. How many times have we flaked on men because we weren't interested? Led them on and friend zoned them because its easier than telling them the truth? And sometimes we just don't answer because we are not interested and maybe call them back three days later and then refuse another date because we are busy.
DeleteBottom line, If someone is interested in someone and i think this goes for both men and women we don't ignore your call or reject your attempts to reach out, silence is basically saying i am not interested in you or I don't want to see you anymore. If you did you would pick up the phone and talk to that person regardless if it were for sex or friends or whatever. It isn't fair but its the reality that exists in today's dating society. And unfortunately not all people do the right thing. Personally i hate rejection and i would rather silence than someone tell me to my face "I am not interested in you or I am seeing someone else, I think i may feel more crushed". Just my two cents.
Have you ever regret breaking up with/stopped seeing someone? (Alternatively after a long time).
ReplyDeleteAnd have you ever initiated with someone you stopped seeing for the sole purpose of trying to sleep with her again? (Not getting back together).
No to the first question, but I am not the kind of person who regrets much I do.
DeleteOn the second question, yes, a couple times.
What was it about the girls that you were interested in FWB's but didn't want anything serious. Was it just because they were a good fuck or because you were being lazy and didn't feel like putting in the effort to meet someone new and just thought the girl from the past was easy? Curious I a guy I was currently starting to see said he didn't know what he wanted but was interested in a casual no strings relationship. Obviously not every guy is the same but they aren't that different either.
DeleteI agree a 100% if a guy is interested he will contact you and vice versa. I personally rather a guy tell me straight up because I personally have told guys that I wasn't interested in them. I believe its better to let someone know rather than have a person waste their time. Its not fair to either person. I still have not heard from the guy I've been trying to reach to get my things back its been over a month..I even had a one of my friends text him which would be a random number to his phone because he doesn't have her phone number nor are they friends but he didn't even reply to a random phone number. All i had her text his number was "hey" just to get him to respond to see if he was actually ignoring me as well as alive but he didn't even reply to a random phone number. and our phone numbers look nothing alike. So im def kind of worried.
ReplyDeleteThats good.I would still watch your back because usually once a cheater always a cheater. Things might be going great for a while but what happens when he feels as if you're not being sweet enough or you guys have a fight and in his mind nothing is ever good enough for you..those moments are the hardest for a cheater not to end up cheating again because he justifies his actions as ok well she doesn't treat me good anyway..all I'm saying is don't trust him a 100%.
ReplyDeleteI say just go with the flow. His loss. He sounds a bit egocentrical. But her gain even if she did care in retrospect. Treat others as you want to be treated and be happy with that. If you do not get kindness respect and truth in return then the other person is insecure with themselves.
ReplyDeleteI am just wondering what you would say about a guy (an old school friend) that I connected with on Facebook about 6 months ago. He has emailed me a number of times over these months, liked my photos, hinted at going for a drink, but not actually come out and asked me. He's not the "player" sort at all, he is actually still grieving his wife who's death was less than 2 years ago.
ReplyDeleteWhat do you have to say about these types of communications in general. Where a guy will endlessly email or text but not take action? It is baffling to us girls.
PS. I actually find many women get frustrated at this behaviour ^ especially on dating sites. Of course there is always the possibility that some of these guys are married, etc, but what of the ones who aren't?
ReplyDeleteWell, I just got dumped. Heading over to his place to collect my things in about 10 minutes. But as with everything in life, if you want something you'll have to fight for it. No contact, nothing in that region whatsoever. Girls need to let guys miss them. If they do, yay! If they dont, life goes on. But I believe that everything is worth a little fight. With dignity ofcourse. Yes, tonight I probably wÃll choose Vodka and Chaka Kahn. But in the moment its all or nothing. Never say never, a wise young man once said...
ReplyDeleteI recommend tequila and beyonce instead, but ether way, sounds like you have the right attitude. Hang in there.
DeleteI recommend Tom Petty's "you got lucky". But anyway, Andrew, do you think that when someone dumps you, is it best to delete them from facebook or is that too dramatic?
ReplyDeleteI think it is a smart and practical thing to do. You don't need his pictures with a new girl upsetting your peace for the next couple years, or another easy avenue of communication for him to contact you - or you to contact him.
DeleteI would wait about a month to do it though, and this will remove the "drama."
Do I cut him off if we have to see eachother regularly... like at work?
ReplyDeleteIn that case, cut him off romantically/sexually/emotionally but not professionally. Treat him like other coworkers that you don't particularly like or dislike.
DeleteI dated a guy for 2 years and we were great in the sack, except outside of it had differences.
DeleteAnyway, he said we were through one day and because I was out of work and not paying attention I didn't see it.
He called me a month ago (after 2 month breakup) and asked me to come over and I did. When I awoke a girl was in the driveway and then when I talked to him again he said his Girlfriend found out and it was all a mistake. He then had her call me on his phone making me think it was him to say this is it.
She vandalized my car, and I had no idea she was with him although she knew about me.
I called him to say hope you have a good xmas because I thought , well I'm moving along and I'm not bitter to the point where I hate anyone. Just disgusted and hurt.
So ..... feedback would be nice.
He obviously is attached to his girlfriend, but his gf should realize that it wasnt your fault. His gf is obviously controlling and overbearing if she vandalized your car..and fucking crazy. He's probably afraid of her and i doubt their relationship will last and if it does hes probably afraid she'll kill him. Im sure he liked you to an extent but i think hes controlled by his girlfriend. Hes a piece of shit but if he cheated once..clearly that relationship isnt for him. Guys are crazy. This guy i was with..he was obsessed with me for almost a yr..wanted a relationship..but i didnt want one at the time. He ended up meeting someone else..he cheated on her with me a couple xs..recently he tried cheating on her again with and i told him not to contact me this was two months ago now there engaged! wtf..theyve been with each other for less than yr and hes cheated on her so many times. why would he get engaged to a girl hes only been with less than yr and cheated on multiple xs? no wonder why divorce is so high
ReplyDeleteI know he's nuts and her too. But for some reason I want closure or to see him and say, hey , it's ok. it's ok that you have someone else but not ok with the vandalism.
DeleteHe was a love dog. Loved Sex in any way. I never at my age mid 40's exerienced a relationship like that. 20 yrs of marriage and dead sex. no sex. no nothing. So he came along, a bit of a southern bigot, cheavanist, italian, cute.
He reminded me of my italian dad. For some reason I cling to that is that normal? My dad was just like him.
Anyway, do you think he will call me or is it over and should I answer if he does? And if I do what do I say?
PLEASE
The guy that cheated is an idiot to get married but that's what I think my ex boyfriend is going to do. Maybe I'm wrong but wtf.
ReplyDeleteYou really have to go off your feelings if he calls again..because then if u don't answer you're gonna be mad at yourself. Right now I would leave it alone and whatever you do dont contact him at all...and is this guy the same age as you? I think hes extremely afraid of his gf and his gf probably has him on lock down especially if she did that to your car..he might contact you..i'm not sure. Guys are crazy..look at the guy who contacted me and now is engaged.
ReplyDeleteHow do I stop inadvertently shit-testing men? For example, I'll take ages to reply to texts and calls because I'm 'busy' but really it's because I find it hard to be vulnerable because I don't want to be hurt again. It makes me play hard to get when that's not really what I want to do. Aaah. :/
ReplyDeleteI cut a guy off 4 months ago. He contacted me again 2 months ago, I told him I wasn't interested in meeting him (as I know he was only interested in sex).
ReplyDeleteI've blocked him on facebook as to not see any news. He works internationally and unfortunately I sometimes see updates from his work page (through friends). I saw an update which indicates that he might be present at an event I'm going to (alone, for work purposes).
I still have massive feelings for him, and I am super nervous I might see him (or worse yet - with his new girl).
I am not sure - if I see him - that it is okay to let him know I am still angry with him or if I should try my absolute best to take the high road and pretend I am completely over it (I am not sure if I can do that convincingly). I do look great still (even a bit better than when we were dating, since I tried to focus my anger into improvements).
Do you have any tips for girls who might encounter exes they have very complicated relationships with? Have you run into girls you've been with, and if so, what has gone through your mind?
He is the same age as me. middle aged if that matters. I just don't understand that he would let a woman rule him when he used to be so hard on me and controlling.
ReplyDeleteI never used his phone, I let him have his space. This is what I get.
I did leave a message that was just hope you have a nice holiday. that's it. But no call and who knows he may read this and laugh.
I'm so sick of the songs about 99 percent are a guy saying "I'm leaving, or glad your gone or whatever.
ReplyDeleteWomen are so much the underdog and no matter what you say, they are.
This is a man's world and they think different and can have a gut or go bald but they are still in demand. Women have to LOOK great or they are shunned. Men are seen as a whole person and women are seen as body parts. That's the truth.
Yeah i agree...its def a mans world in their heads. Yeah i wouldn't leave him any messages..from personal experience..he wants you to give him attention. Some guys r so fucked up..i think you should just cut him off totally and he will eventually come back i'm sure. Hes obviously bored with his gf if hes cheating..and shes def overprotective so im sure once u stop giving him attention he'll come to you. He was probably controlling u because he didn't want you to be doing the same thing he was to his gf. (cheating), Guys love being in control. I mean the reason why i came on this site was because the guy i was seeing..let's just say i havn't heard from him in 3 months..ive been contacting him..seeing if hes okay aka alive..nothing. I had my friend text him from her phone which would be a random number to his cell..still nothing. He has my shit at his house..earrings..dvds. told him to mail them..just so he wouldnt have to see me in person still nothing. idc what i did or said..if a guy has the balls to sleep with a girl and be with her..he should have the balls to be honest and at least give belongings back. Hes a piece of shit to act like hes dead..ive never had a guy do this.
ReplyDeleteHe's just like the guy I had. And the guy you had is needing a slap ... like even if you have to let his freind see you with another guy, even if you have to set it up. But then that's games ... but if you are playing with a joker like I am, you have to do something different. Then we will both realize they suck.
ReplyDeleteThe guy I was seeing is a bad alcoholc and he calls my family when I call him to be accepted and try to make me look like the bad guy. But its a game and a sick one.
Be careful if he is seeing someone else because she might resort to shooting someone ... I see this crap everyday ...so stay neutral or if you must have him see or hear about you with another. He'll be chomping at the bit.
Plus, he knows you don't want the dvd's or the other crap, you want him.
ReplyDeleteHe knows that. You know that. Leave it alone,,,,,let it be like the Beatles said. He will come back.He will want you and use some lame excuse like ' just wondered why you were bugging me' or some stupid reason when all he wants is to get back in. :)
Yeah you're right..yeah all alcoholics..or anyone with an addiction blame everyone else but themselves. are you still seeing him or you're done completely? Unfortunately the guy i was seeing..we dont have mutual friends so he would never know anything about me..i wish we did have mutual friends so at least ide know hes alive. I mean i know he is...its just that curiousity of why would he do this? why not just be straight up ya kno? thats what i want more than him..just some type of explanation honestly. hes a piece of shit to do this..unless he was in the hospital i want nothing to do with him. Any man who does this cant even be trusted anyway. He def has to have find someone else..i mean we were hanging out alot..so he must have someelse to fill that need. What did the guy ur seeing do? Did he disappear for months
ReplyDeleteHe said its over. then asked to come over, we did it, then next day said it was a mistake cuz his 'girl' found out.
ReplyDeleteThen felt guilty told my in laws (cuz he needs to staiy friends w them for work) that he made whole thing up he has no girlfriend so they would think he was a 'normal' nice guy.
Told them I was a pain cuz of unemployment, and that I partied too much.
He's a binge drinker and a liar. I almost can't stand the thought of him. Your guy is a dickhead. You would not like your family involved because they don't take your side and it puts undo PRESSURE on YOU, NOT HIM.
It's too tiring too muster. I am done with the b...s..it and moving on. Nobody needs to feel like second hand news. Nobody.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this post. I disagree with some of your points of view but your blog has been really helpful to me. It's been hard to cut off the guy that broke up with me but it feels really good that I never contacted him afterwards . In the past I would have reached out in some way. Up until recently I really wanted him back but now I am starting to feel like he doesn't deserve another chance. I think that women sometimes feel like they have hold on to a guy because we think there will never be another guy for us but this is a bad attitude. I think it might be a good experiment to see what results if you don't give guys a second chance. I am starting to feel like you might exude an aura of self-worth, and this might bring in more men. I am going to see what happens...
ReplyDeleteMannnnnn. I want to feel like that sooooo bad.
ReplyDeleteI still hang on to that 'fantasy lover' that is not really what he was. In my mind, he was so much the romantic. In his mind, I was a piece of a...s.
Oh, dont' get me wrong I would love a replacement, but for SOME REASON, women have that nurturing feeling like we want to know it's all O.K. and they still need US BAD.
And I'm sorry to say but there are not many men out there that are desirable and if they are they are taken. Oh...or they have a girlfriend that you don't know about. SOOOOOO...if there is a place to meet men, let us all know where it is.
What state do you live in? ....a good man is hard to find. I really enjoy this blog, but, think about it. Andrew is one of those guys that is a head fuck for women. I get the impression he just experiments with women and is not interested in them. Notwithstanding all of that, this blog is great, and it certainly helps and is undeniably insightful. Andrew-am I wrong? Are you interested in dating anyone right now? How many women would you consider yourself to be "dating" right now?
DeleteAndrew, Andrew, Andrew. Firstly, men have no mind-set, they are purely physical creatures. Why are men applauded for acting like jerks? They sleep around and are called "Players"; women are labeled "whores". A man showers a woman with acts of kindness and is considered "affectionate" or a "good catch", women reciprocate and are labeled "stalkers", "needy", or "desperate." Say it with me; it's called kindness, generosity, being a lady, qualities only a real MAN will find attractive. Only narcissistic men will view this as anything otherwise. Let me get this straight, a man decides it's over, ends it, and the woman is deemed "emotionally unstable" for making the effort to contact him, seeking closure. DARE TO DREAM that we mere females are capable of surviving a male “breaking thing off”, and not found in our P.J.’s eating ourselves into “chocolate oblivion, crying our eyes out, and watching “chik fliks”. GET OVER YOURSELF! (lmbo) It's ridiculous to expect a woman to shut their feelings "on and off", after all, we are emotional creatures; it’s our signature trademark and what draws men to us. We each have our ways of processing rejection. THE MAJORITY RULES! At best, he had better hope she doesn’t retaliate;"hell has no fury than a woman scorned"; words to live by. Lastly, improvement will come when COMMITMENT PHOBIC MALES, a/k/a NARCISSIST.....seek professional help; there are relationship therapists, all is not lost. STOP BEING PART OF THE PROBLEM AND BECOME PART OF THE EQUATION! HaPPy dAtInG
ReplyDeleteYes you are unstable according to everyone if you contact them.
ReplyDeleteI personally care to show there is no animosity but when men are too cowardly to talk to a former gf, they are wanting to keep the ball in their court so they wont do anything that jeopardizes their pride. EVEN IF they want her back bad....no way.
They are called phychopaths and they have a vendetta against women.
taking this advice for the first time in my life! I cut him from FB, instagram, blocked from skype and when this morning he texted met, I didnt answer.
ReplyDeleteI like this blog.
wow, i am so glad i stumbled accross this site. Can i please get some advice on my situation? I met this guy online in the beginning of October. Our first date went so well (dinner and movies) that we decided to see each other more. We went on several dates after, both day(breakfast) and evening/night dates(dinner) He was super nice (almost too nice my friends say) he openly introduced me to his friends and some of his co-workers (male and female). we would go on all our dates in the area where we both live and he would hold my hand while driving, walking in public and in the restaurants while waiting for our food. After three weeks of dating we started have sex and it was great. I work a lot and do a lot of night shifts so before i would go to work for eleven pm i would go to his house to eat and cuddle etc. Last week i spent the night and we kissed each other goodbye at 7 am. at about 5pm i texted him asking how his day was and he responded "just go to figure something out." i asked him "what? no response, then i asked him if everything was okay, no response, then later i called him and he didnt pick up. over the next three days i tried to contact him either by phone or text and he completely ignored me. So last weekend i stopped trying and then monday i sent him a message saying that it was unfair for him to just up and stop communicating with me without giving me a reason and that we were fine and then nothing!! I expressed that after two months and seeing eachoher almost everyday he owed me something. the next day he responded that he was sorry for not communicating with me about his change of heart and that he wasnt going to tell me why, only that he was very sorry. I responded that sorry a week after ignoring me was not fair to me and it meant nothing without a reason. we texted me back saying that i was an amazing and beyond nice woman and it had nothing to do with me, that his mind isnt right right now and he was sorry. this response was three days ago. I responded that i cared about him and that i was thankful that he at least gave me an answer and that i hope he finds what he is looking for and if he ever needed to talk he could call me and left it at that. he is away on a golf trip this weekend and has been texting me about the weather down there and asking how i am and stuff. What is he doing? im not sure what i should do?
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear this happened to you, i can boil it down to a few things, which one it is only he knows:
Delete1) He wasn't ready for a relationship meaning he gave it a chance and realized that it wasn't something he could give to you right now.
2) He wasn't ready for a relationship with you, meaning the times felt great but perhaps he did not see "forever with you" or felt something was missing.
3) He met someone else or there was someone in the picture or entered the picture and he got all confused.
I have had that happen once and since then i am always prepared just in case the romance and the flowers and the dinners etc, and the calls fade. At least he gave you some closure even though you don't understand the why. Just try to accept it and move on one day at a time. One foot in front of the other.
I doubt there was someone in the picture just because she met his friends..coworkers..and the big thing..going to his place. If someone was already in the picture all those areas would not have been met. Unless hes just stupid. He might not be ready for a relationship but were you even asking that from him? Did you ever mention anything to him to make him pull away all of a sudden? Even tho he is close to 40 so I mean ya figure he would be looking to settle down especially since you seem like a good person to him. The crazy thing is hes still texting you..about weather aka he just wants to talk. So he clearly is confused. Something is going on in his life..maybe work stressing him out or even something going on with his health. Usually when a guy is not interested he cuts you off all together and is def not gonna text a lady about the weather. I mean if he was talking to someone else im sure he would be texting the other girl about the weather not you.
Deleteyou are right someone may not have been in the picture, hmmm i agree he would not make small talk unless he was somewhat still interested, something made him pull away and he must care about you somewhat because he gave you the closure you needed even if it took two mths. He said "that his mind isn't right right now". Perhaps he is not in the right place mentally, perhaps relax a bit and since he has been texting you see how that goes but don't get your hopes up?
DeleteI recently broke up with a guy, 1st date took me over to his parents house, 2nd date dinner and to meet his friends, 3rd date, a weekend in atlantic beach and so on and so forth for three mths later . Turns out he just wants to take care of his kids, his business is doing really well, he is enjoying his life right now etc etc and that was the last conversation. Its been 2 mths and i have not called him nor has he called me. So i have made it a policy now to not get drawn in by the wrapping but see what's inside the box. It hurts but if two people are not in the same frame of mind, the timing etc, what else is there to do?
I think it's crucial, unless you are just looking for a fling, to gauge in the beginning what the other person is looking for. Just ask them in a casual way, what they're looking for in a relationship, whether it's just something casual, or a serious relationship/marriage. What's the point in playing guessing games? You're wasting months here, or sometimes even years. Develop a good screening process, it will save you a lot of time, and heartache. Also using the term "break up" with someone you were never in an exclusive relationship, just doesn't apply. Without a commitment, this is just casual dating/flings. See it for what it is, be honest with yourself, and find someone who is looking for, or open to what you are looking for as well.
DeleteAlso, to the initial poster, it took him 2 months to respond to you??? Andrew has said this before, and I totally agree, don't have sex until the person has committed to you. Sometimes guys will pursue you/court you just to sleep with you. And once they've had you, they get bored, and it's onto the next thing. Also, usually/normally, what women don't seem to get is: NO RESPONSE IS A RESPONSE. Also I disagree with one of the above comments. Guys have no problem stringing girls along that they don't care about that much. It's called boredom, and maintaining backburners. He's texting her about the weather? That means nothing. This person is wasting your time. Never talk to a man again who has disappeared for 2 months, let alone 2 weeks.
DeleteYes i like your approach, and i think we as women need to open our ears and listen. I had asked that one guy on the 1st date what he was looking for and he said "i just want to take care of my kids", had i listened and processed i would have saved myself the headache. I can think of several instances where men have pretty much said where they were at and i chose to ignore that huge detail.
Deleteno we dated for 2 months, when he stopped communicating with me all of a sudden it took him one week to respond. So, since the initial post we have been texting back and forth basically about everything and anything like nothing bad ever happened (i did not initiate it, he starts every converstion) he is away on a trip so thats why its only by text. he comes back this saturday and wants to see me. Im not sure how i feel about him anymore now though. I want to see him both to see if i still have feelings for him that can be continued and also to ask him face to face what happened and clarify what it is he really wants because i wont go through this again with him./
Deletei should add. our ages are 36 and 39. he is legally separated and i have never been married but have a child.
ReplyDeleteHe is either scared or has other women. Either one, the only thing to do is to leave him alone.
ReplyDeleteIf he comes back to you fine. You made an attempt and he responded with a 'nice' way of saying he's not into it.
I think if you leave him alone he will come back to you ..... he likes the chase.
DON'T CALL HIM AGAIN. I did with my ex and I will never do it again. The ball is in his court. Let it be.
i like this advice!
DeleteLOOK THREW THESE EYES AND TELL ME WHAT YOU SEEEEEEE.... WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEE...I'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING I'VE HAD TO GIVE. MY LIFE IS ALL THAT I HAVE LEFT TO LIIIIVEE OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHWOOOOOOHOOOO. SOMEONE TAKE MY HEART AWAY, I DONT THINK I CAN STAND THE PAIN.
ReplyDeleteWRITTEN BY EDGAR WINTER.
What about guys that e-mail you online, talk for a while, ask to meet, then disappear and e-mail you again weeks later? Should they be cut off too?
ReplyDeleteAnonymousLilly
they are dating other people or other girls or another girl is getting in the way. play along with their shennanigans and respond when they email you, what do you have to lose, just don't take them seriously.
DeleteWhy, after he said that he doesn't want to commit to anyone at this time, is he asking me "why are you doing this"? , by text. I told him to please stop contacting me. It was hard enough to realize that he didn't want a relationship, let alone "cut him off"! why won't he leave me alone?
ReplyDeletemaybe he wants to have his cake and eat it too, or make you think he is reconsidering, i say play hard to keep and ignore him, time will tell what his true intentions are.
Deletei meant "hard to get"
DeleteIm taking that advise:) thank you!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'd been dating this guy very regular for about 3 months. About a week ago he asked if I was seeing anyone else, I answered 'no' which is the truth. He asked for a committed relationship (not dating others) I gave it to him and agreed.
ReplyDeleteThe next day we had a dinner date, he contacted me via text and said he be there at 7, he did not show up. I texted him, no response, hour later replied he fell asleep. He asked me to a movie a few days later, I went. Rest of week was sketchy, very little contact, I sent a text replied 10 hours later! shake my head. so I called him to end to talk to him and end it. He got all upset and said he adored me and he was just busy & sick etc...okay I was dumb and gave him another chance.
Last night out of nowhere he sent me a text basically saying he didn't want to see me anymore but we could still be friend. Yeah sure. Few texts back and forth last night.
Today and on a go forward basis I won't contact him at all. He made his bed now he has to lie down in it. Can't for the life of me figure him out and why he did this, but doesn't matter. It's his problem not mine.
Best advise in this email, he ends it, however that may be done by him, cut him off! Instill NO CONTACT RULE! If he does contact you do not reply!
Though your writing style strikes a chord and it honest to some level ,I am wonderignhow you always write like ..."this girl I slept with"...." I hve dated a lot of women"....please don't treat them as a commodity.
ReplyDeleteSecondly why dont you wite aout times when a girl broke up with you...how she dumped you...how u were so much in to her etc etc......
I refuse to accept that neer happened.
Your thoughts reflect nothing about love...all you talk about is attraction and dumpings.I htink you can do better.
In fact, it has almost never happened. There have been two girls that haven't called me back. One was a huge slut that I had no real interest dating, but really wanted to have sex with again - so it was kind of curious to me that she wouldn't reply after we had sex on the first date. The other I have been chasing for about a year now with mixed success, only to very recently throw in the towel.
DeleteAt times there are girls (one of whom I have actually mentioned before) that I would have liked to date but things have never taken off after meeting them, so I don't really consider it being "dumped."
It doesn't work the same way for men and women. Because men do the approaching, there is a different dynamic. Women tend to get more attached - I think because they have less control over getting a new man - and men tend to think "oh I can just go get another one."
how is it that the guy giving dating advice takes a year to chase a woman and with mixed success? you can't just say that and provide no context or detail. you should elaborate
DeleteIn fairness he's giving advice to women, not men.
Delete...I have a bridge I'd like to sell you. i love the blog, i'd suggest it be taken as commentary and a likely true perspective of some guys.
Delete"how is it that the guy giving dating advice takes a year to chase a woman and with mixed success?"
DeleteAttracting the opposite sex isn't ALL about marketing yourself. This girl was interested, but not interested enough. I played my cards right, but in the end I had to admit that the situation wasn't right (she has a boyfriend and lives on the opposite side of the country) and she wasn't interested enough.
He's never fallen in love, so this is from the perspective of a man who hasn't had that experience yet. I disagree with it being easy to just go find another girl for a man. When a man falls in love with a woman, other women won't compare to her in that way, so easily.
Deletei think that is quite possibly the most insightful post on this entire site. i do love your work Andrew, i do. you seem like a brilliant guy who writes in a manner that exudes sexy, but falling in love involves letting go of the "rules" sometimes. i'm disappointed that you don't already know that long distance relationships have very little to no chance of success, much less with some girl with a boyfriend. that's not close to reasonable. you need a woman where you live, who cares about you, will want you, makes you smile, gets along with your friends, and all of that good stuff.
DeleteYes, WTF. No spell caster. Please give me a F'n break. Women are so stupid. Hanging on to a thread of nothing, how lame.
ReplyDeleteIf he did it once he's gone even though he's not. face it and be the sucker he wants. sorry but you are in jeopardy.
So whats wrong with going back to a guy to use him for sex after he broke it off and then calls you. Then you know he's an ass and you can play the cards the way you want.
ReplyDeleteHi Andrew, what about a situation where you feel the guy is stalling the natural progression of the commitment...i.e. say you have been dating for about a year, you spend all your time at his place, you guys get along really well and the relationship is good. Both of you could benefit financially from sharing a space (i.e. splitting the rent)...and yet the guy will not agree that you should move in together....is this a situation where you would be best to cut him off and explore your options with someone new? Or would expecting to move in after a year be 'rushing' things? How patient should you be with a man?
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI just read this blog as I am having a question about my situation and it seems that I almost got the answer BUT not.
My story: I met a guy through a friend on a night out about 5 weeks ago and he initiated to see me again. I didn't give him my number because I wasn't sure I wanted to date anyone at the moment. But he found the way to get in touch and asked me out for a date and I said OK. He texted me every day multiple times (and he complained to me that I am slow with my answers). On our secodn date I realised I like him and ended up sleeping with him (but then I thought to myself how silly I am that I let things happen too fast), but he still seemed interested and acted the same way as before for another couple of weeks. And then I left for Xmas holidays (we are from different countries) and we exchanged a few emails where he said "I think I will miss you" and how bad it is that we won't be able to see each other for a few weeks. Then suddenly things changed: he stopped contacting me... After 6 days I started being a bit worried and dropped him a short FB message in the morning but had no reply. Then I messaged him another time in the evening, just asking how he was and whether he was still in the UK. He then replied very briefly that he's out with friends on a dinner in Milan (he's from Italy). Then I just decided that I will not contact him anymore and accept the fact that he changed his mind regarding me.
But then on 24 December he messaged me to say sorry that he disappeared and that he had a crazy time at work; he asked me how I am doing and he wished me merry xmas. I have not yet responded to his message thus far.
If someone had the patience to read my story and would be so kind to tell me their opinion and answer my questions, I would be very grateful.
My questions:
I am confused as to whether he is still interested in me or just wants to be nice?
Shall I react to his message?
I am still interested in him but I also respect myself enough to just forget about it all because I have been thinking that if he had neglected me for a week then his intentions aren't serious. What are your thoughts?
Many many thanks for your replies in advance.
Hard to say what he is thinking - especially if it is long-distance. I suggest being receptive to his contact but not having sex with him again until you know what his intentions are.
DeleteIf it IS long-distance, it's probably best to forget about him. Long distance never works for more than a very short period of time.
Andrew, thanks very much for the quick reply.
DeleteIt is not long-distance, he is originally from Italy, I am from Hungary but we both have been living in London, UK for years. And now we are in our home countries for the holidays but we were supposed to meet in January when we are both back in London.
I have a feeling that the lack of contact was not just because of his workload. It sounds to me as a lame excuse for something else, but I am not sure. :( I just always thought if a guy is interested he wouldn't disappear for a week, he would make an effort to get in touch.
I like him but at this stage I am unable to decide whether I should put more effort into this or not. His silence made me trust less in him.
When you say "being receptive", how soon shall I reply to him? (he texted me on the 24th and today is 27th but so far I was too confused to reply)
Thanks very much,
Bridget.
You can reply to him immediately, but only when he contacts you first.
DeleteYou already said he was complaining that you were "too slow" I am the same way. I grow impatient with indecisiveness and inconsistency and he is probably just as confused as you are. why not just stop the games and tell him point blank "I LIKE YOU" or I don't, what's up?
Deletethe signals you are sending do not seem receptive to his advances, therefore he would give up I assume and move on to greener pastures
So I have a situation - my ex and I still live together. i think he was cheating on me and had pulled away (total 180) the sunday before christmas and basically began to be nasty, unaffectionate, and complain that I was controlling and annoying etc. he never spoke to me about any problems and he says he tried taking steps back - after reflection, i feel he was just using these as an excuse. I approached him about adjusting the financial responsibility in the apt as I pay more and he was a total asshole about the situation. Now a few hours later, he sends me a photo where he was trying to be funny by wearing panties on his face - i think they were his "friend" donna who was a huge problem in the relationship (his most current ex)... anyways, he calls me and suggests we "have a casual thing" and be cool. I said "can you treat me with compassion and human decency? Can you be cool and hang out with me as a friend... you are the one who said friendship, but do want to really be friends" and he was like "i wasnt looking for all of that". and proceeded to tell me he just wanted to have fun in life etc... anyways I get it - he used me and is a total liar, but how do I deal with this situation since we are stuck in a lease for a year and neither of us are in a position to get out of it? You say cut them off when its done, but I need to have a livable relationship. Thanks!!
ReplyDeleteSublet your room to a mutual friend or someone random and get the hell out of there. Or borrow money to pay the early termination fee on the lease (usually there is something like that). However you get out of there, do so ASAP.
DeleteI agree with some of the commenters- HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY. why could the writer simply have just TOLD HER "look, not interested b/c of x,y,z. Sorry." Seems passive aggressive on his part. I have been in this situation and US, AS WOMEN, are not always clear on a man's intentions. One guy I dated *liked* when I chased him and he voiced this. Part of it was the fact he had been hurt a lot and he wanted to see how "into him I was" by going out of my way to exemplify how much I liked him by contacting him first, pursuing him and just showing a lot of interest. He was a flake though and ran "hot and cold". One day he literally loved me and talked about getting married, the next, he wanted nothing to do with me. So during one of his cold spells I got pissed off, rightfully so. I did not hear from him after that but this was "normal" behavior from him. Many times I did not hear from him for days and then other times he wouldn't stop being intense and passionate with me. So, when I wrote and texted him a few times and he did not respond as I said, this was NOT generally looked upon as desperate on my part or abnormal behavior from him. Note: this was not some random guy I barely knew either. This was someone I knew for a very long time and we talked about marriage and kids. So you're damn right I DESERVED AN ANSWER. No, I did not get one either. He ditched me on a weekend in which we had plans. I got ready, cancelled my other plans to go out with him (I had not seen him in awhile), was excited, etc only to never receive a phone call or text back from him that we were not resuming our weekend plans. This only infuriated me more. Who did he think he was? I have known you for years and you want a serious relationship with me and you pull stunts like this? I wanted answers and yes, I probably did push too hard but like I said, I DESERVED TO KNOW THE TRUTH. and I can tell you, unequivocally, if we had sex I would have been even more devastated. Luckily, I never let him have that kind of power over me and thank god I did not sleep with him. Anyway, I went out with a different guy the night he ditched me who actually treated me like the beautiful woman I am and realized that my market value was high. Lots of guys desire me. That night, I received a drunken text from the original guy just stating that I was psycho and he "can't deal with my shit" To this day, I have no idea what that meant. No man has ever even referred to me as crazy, let alone psycho and what he was 'dealing with' I have no clue because LIKE THE WRITER- HIS COMMUNICATION SUCKED and he played games. Instead of merely picking up the phone and saying "look, this really isn't working out. I don't think I want to be with you any more. I'm sorry but we are going to have to end this", I received nothing of the sort. His own friend knew of the situation and defended me to him and told him I am not psycho and explained that I was upset that I was being ignored, that all I wanted was an explanation, even if my phone.
ReplyDeleteI never got closure and never will. I was and am still in love with the guy. tears well in my eyes as I write this. I wanted him to tell me to my face that he didn't want me anymore. That's what I have and would have done to a guy that I was serious with (or slept with) but no longer have interest in. very disrespectful. Not right at all. You owed that girl a phone call, at the least.
You can't blame him for your situation. This is life. We're all adults. We have NO CONTROL over the actions of others. We only have control over ourselves. No answer is an answer. No matter what a man says, I would refrain from chasing. You live and you learn. As you can see from personal experience, you did not have a good result, regardless of how much he said he liked it. He liked the attention, and he enjoyed having an advantage over you in the situation. I'm sorry you are not over him, that is very hard. But you just have to pick yourself up sometimes, and move on.
DeleteAlissa, I feel for you. I've been in your situation many times, although not to this extent. It's a total mind-f***.
DeleteI agree with you - communication is the key to success. This is something that many people seem to neglect. Yes, this guy might not be suffering, but at least he should have treated you with decency and told you that you were not for him.
You need to pick yourself up now and try to do things you enjoy doing, spend time with friends and date guys. Don't sleep with them straight away though (not saying you would). Move on quick if you're not getting the good vibes from the guys you date as you shouldn't waste your precious time. And try to enjoy life and be happy.
xxx
thanks I am crying and trying to get it out of my system
DeleteI just pushed a few ppl away because I just can't get hurt again. this other guy likes me a lot and i know he wants sex, but not sure if he wants anything else. a lot of guys think I am attractive so this is not uncommon. I told him I had feelings for him and he has ignored me since then. I am upset by that too. I have a big heart, am super passionate, can be naive and fall in love easily. I have to safeguard this so I deleted my Facebook account and decided I will ignore him too. what else is there to do?
I still care about the one who clearly doesn't gaf about me. I must be fucked in the head or something.
You sound messed up but I don't think it's your fault.
DeleteIf you want to, I'll try to get you my email address in case you want to chat to me.
I'm depressed and I am "messed up". I throw myself passionately into one venture or person after another always hoping they will match my passion or rival it. they never do, so I am let down every time. shit, I'm not even single so i don't know why I am even fucking with anyone. this is the problem. I can care about many people at once, weird huh?
Deleteit's not even me that's fucked up it's the world
ReplyDeleteI care too much about everyone and everything
is that so bad?
Ah, I've been in that situation too; not being single and messing things up.
ReplyDeleteIn my case it was about me and not about my partner and I ruined things and left him. He was a great guy and I haven't been able to replace him.
Take a step back and try to figure out what makes you tick and what you like doing. Don't go out drinking so much (if that is what you do).
The world is not perfect but you will have to try to live in it in the best way possible.
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ReplyDeleteAlice.......…just want to say thanks to priestandrew91@yahoo.com for all the support and help. my boyfriend has just proposed. we are the happiest we have ever been. wedding booked for February.many thanks,
ReplyDelete