The use of pornography is the most addictive habit most men will ever encounter. Every man masturbates frequently when he isn't getting laid, and many do even when they are. Virtually every man uses pornography to enhance this experience - which it does, significantly. Masturbating with and without pornography is like eating steak with and without salt, or partying with and without alcohol. It makes a big difference. Porn adds enough to the experience of masturbation that it frequently can make or break a man's decision to engage in the act. A lot of people won't go out to bars or nightclubs unless they can drink, and it isn't a stretch to extend the analogy to masturbation and pornography.
While I am not completely convinced that pornography affects a man's ability to get aroused for real sex (though I suspect this is true), it has potential to do something far worse: pornography can become a substitute for real sex. Especially as video quality and accessibility continue to increase, pornography is enhancing the experience of masturbation more and more, making it increasingly possible that a man will retreat to a world of pornography-aided auto-eroticism and cease fucking his wife or girlfriend entirely. I know of at least one instance of this happening and leading to divorce. I have seen signs of it elsewhere, and given the power of the male sex drive, it makes intuitive sense. Of course, no man desires this situation; but faced with a boring sex life, or a partner that has let herself go, or some other "push" factor, a man is increasingly prone to resign himself to a life of jerking off to an endless stream of high-definition internet whores.
While the higher quality of pornography contributes to this phenomenon, it is the accessibility and safety that makes it so prevalent, and dangerous to relationships. Pornography doesn't qualify as cheating (by most definitions of the term), so it is easily justified or excused in most men's minds. More importantly, it can be accessed anonymously, used almost instantly, and covered up completely with a few clicks of the mouse. And now with high-definition video on phones, it is also portable. The sheer volume and variety of free internet pornography is so large that even the horniest man with all the time in the world would have difficulty exhausting the supply. And anyway, by the time this happens (we are talking years or decades, if it happens at all), there is likely to be some new form of pornography or auto-eroticism available to serve as an outlet for his sexual energy.
In a sense, the high availability of pornography could be painted in a good light, since it probably reduces the number of men hiring prostitutes or having affairs. After all, why take that kind of chance when you can just go on the internet for something almost as good and a hell of a lot less risky? But whether your man is knocking one out to a video on his phone in the bathroom at work, or fucking your son's 3rd grade teacher, he still isn't getting it at home anymore, so what can be done?
The obvious ways of preventing this situation are important and should be used: stay in shape for your man, surprise him with new moves in bed, communicate in the relationship, etc. But all of these take huge efforts if the predisposing conditions do not exist. A woman will not try new moves in bed, for example, if she is not comfortable with them. With this in mind, I think the largest efforts towards avoiding or diminishing the effects of pornography need to be made before or at the earliest stages of a relationship:
While I am not completely convinced that pornography affects a man's ability to get aroused for real sex (though I suspect this is true), it has potential to do something far worse: pornography can become a substitute for real sex. Especially as video quality and accessibility continue to increase, pornography is enhancing the experience of masturbation more and more, making it increasingly possible that a man will retreat to a world of pornography-aided auto-eroticism and cease fucking his wife or girlfriend entirely. I know of at least one instance of this happening and leading to divorce. I have seen signs of it elsewhere, and given the power of the male sex drive, it makes intuitive sense. Of course, no man desires this situation; but faced with a boring sex life, or a partner that has let herself go, or some other "push" factor, a man is increasingly prone to resign himself to a life of jerking off to an endless stream of high-definition internet whores.
While the higher quality of pornography contributes to this phenomenon, it is the accessibility and safety that makes it so prevalent, and dangerous to relationships. Pornography doesn't qualify as cheating (by most definitions of the term), so it is easily justified or excused in most men's minds. More importantly, it can be accessed anonymously, used almost instantly, and covered up completely with a few clicks of the mouse. And now with high-definition video on phones, it is also portable. The sheer volume and variety of free internet pornography is so large that even the horniest man with all the time in the world would have difficulty exhausting the supply. And anyway, by the time this happens (we are talking years or decades, if it happens at all), there is likely to be some new form of pornography or auto-eroticism available to serve as an outlet for his sexual energy.
In a sense, the high availability of pornography could be painted in a good light, since it probably reduces the number of men hiring prostitutes or having affairs. After all, why take that kind of chance when you can just go on the internet for something almost as good and a hell of a lot less risky? But whether your man is knocking one out to a video on his phone in the bathroom at work, or fucking your son's 3rd grade teacher, he still isn't getting it at home anymore, so what can be done?
The obvious ways of preventing this situation are important and should be used: stay in shape for your man, surprise him with new moves in bed, communicate in the relationship, etc. But all of these take huge efforts if the predisposing conditions do not exist. A woman will not try new moves in bed, for example, if she is not comfortable with them. With this in mind, I think the largest efforts towards avoiding or diminishing the effects of pornography need to be made before or at the earliest stages of a relationship:
- Choose a man with whom you are sexually compatible. This does not just mean a man that you bend over for and let do whatever he wants to you - unless that is what you enjoy. Choose a guy that you feel comfortable with in bed. You shouldn't feel awkward doing the things he asks after the first couple times you try them.
- Choose a man that acknowledges the effects of pornography. Some people will find this topic awkward to discuss, but the earlier in a relationship you bring it up, the easier it will be. The conversation can be no more than a few casual comments, but a girl should make sure she has a clear picture of her partner's opinion on the matter, and his opinion should be that porn is bad for a sexual relationship. Because it is, at least in excess, and any honest guy knows this.
- Choose a man that takes concrete actions to improve himself. A guy that works out regularly, or manages a strict diet, or makes efforts to read difficult books, etc. will be far more likely to break or resist developing a pornography habit.
- Make sure you and your partner are having pig sex, at least occasionally. Pig sex is unemotional fucking: dirty, sweaty, pleasure-only sex. It is a sign of a healthy sex life, and a healthy attitude towards sex in general. It should happen naturally if you get number one on this list right. If sex is too contingent on an emotional connection, you won't be able to have it, or at least enjoy it, after the initial "magic" dies, which happens in every relationship not conjured up by Hollywood.
I'm a woman that likes porn, and my boyfriend doesn't. My boyfriend doesn't want me to watch porn, because he feels neglected. There are men out there that don't care for porn.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to cut down on porn because it can ruin your sense of intimacy in real life. You become dependent on porn to achieve an orgasm, and then become desensitized to other things. It's not just a man's problem, but women struggle with it too.
Very interesting article.
ReplyDeletePorn has profound effects on many men these days. The biggest being desensitization and unable to have real sex with their partner. Since Porn is what's called a over-stimulus. Something our outdated brain is not prepared and equipped to handle.
You might want to check out the site yourbrainonporn.com - there's lots of information about the effects porn has on men.
Cost / benefit ratio.
ReplyDeleteI myself have experienced this in the past and quite frankly, you can have a much better experience edging yourself over hours of watching super hot women who look like they're enjoying sex and doing all kinds of wonderful acts with a huge smile on their face, putting in a super effort, dressed to thrill, and enjoy swallowing at the end
vs.
going out sarging till 3am every night, spending truckloads of cash on overpriced drinks, cab fare, loosing sleep, and dealing with some severe bitches to pull in a 1 in 10, 1 in 50, 1 in 100 ratio, taking home a half in the bag drunken bar skank who may look like an 8 right now but will be a 4 in the morning, the sex will be at worst like drinking & driving, all over the place, frantic and forgettable with you doing all the effort, her just laying there braying like a hoarse horse and giving you eww face when you ask her to polish your knob or swallow at the finish line, at best be a semi decent lay but since you banged on the first night, this is not LTR material.
Yeah sometimes.. a good fap fest beats reality hands down. Not saying you shouldn't go out looking to try and score a real woman.. but porn and fapping definitely removes the sexual deficit 'need' of a man to put up with intolerable bullshit from today's expectant entitled and bitchy women.
Everything in moderation obviously. The Coolidge effect is a serious problem due to overuse and one that should be addressed. But for me, it's still a great tool in the toolbox for a night going home alone because i simply couldn't tolerate the lack of quality surrounding me.
Your problem is that you view sex as nothing more than a means to an end. You view women as nothing more than objects, receptacles of your "needs". When you take the view of sex as just a way to get yourself off rather than a loving connection between two people who care deeply for each other, you will be disappointed and you will wind up alone. No woman wants to have sex with a guy who has this kind of attitude.
DeleteHere here
Delete"Choose a man that takes concrete actions to improve himself. A guy that works out regularly, or manages a strict diet, or makes efforts to read difficult books, etc. will be far more likely to break or resist developing a pornography habit."
ReplyDeleteThat is a good point. My best friend was in a LTR with a man who preferred porn over having sex with her. He never made an effort to break the cycle, and he was also a slob with no willpower and no ambition in life.
Do you think - in general - that a man having a bad habit or having shown lack of self control is a very bad sign? Let's say he's had difficulties with alcohol in the past. No doubt it is a negative, but does it mean he is more likely to become addicted to porn, cheat or behave badly?
I've always thought that way, but then again I am very self controlled in some areas, and not in others. I can let my emotions or anger run wild, but my house will still be neat, for instance.
"Let's say he's had difficulties with alcohol in the past. No doubt it is a negative, but does it mean he is more likely to become addicted to porn, cheat or behave badly?"
DeleteI am definitely NOT an expert in the psychology of addiction, but my intuition is the same as yours: addictions can apply in one arena of a person's life, but not another.
The brain of an addict is not the same as those who aren't addicts. There's been MRIs done that show the big differences. I would say in this case from what's been shared, yes, he is more prone to getting addicted to inappropriate behaviour.
DeleteThat man sounds like he just switched addictions. It is VERY common. Check out the SoberRecovery forums. There's a lot of people who have experienced seeing loved ones change their drug or alcohol addiction to sex/porn addiction. There's a wealth of info there for anyone dealing with addictions & for people in any kind of relationship with addicted people.
Andrew, I loved this post. I want to implement your suggestion of trying to have a brief conversation about porn early in the relationship. The problem is, I don't know what I'm supposed to do once he admits to it.
ReplyDeletePart of me thinks that I don't want to nag him or make him have to hide it. that just makes me look bad. but at the same time I feel resentment towards it...And then my own mom told me "if you can't beat'em join 'em." But if I condone it, isn't that setting myself up for failure in the future?
Andrew, how is a gal supposed to rationally tackle this subject and not turn into a supervising "mom" or push him away????
This is a hard question, but I think you need to...
Delete(a) talk to him about it directly and matter-of-factly; tell him how it bothers you and that you'd like him to stop. Make sure he knows that you will make extra efforts to help him do so. My friend's girlfriend told him to stop looking at porn, and instead takes pictures of herself in new lingerie from time to time and surprises him with them. He LOVEs it - so much that he obnoxiously won't stop bragging to me about it.
(b) do not nag and keep on him about it,
(c) leave him if he doesn't change
Being prepared to do (c) will be the hardest part, though bringing it up in conversation will be tough too. I suggest broaching the subject indirectly, by asking him how often he watches porn - rather than just sitting him down and saying "we need to talk about this..." If the indirect method fails, then do the sit down thing.
So the answer to her request that he stop watching porn was, "Honey, you don't need to watch (and objectify) all those other girls. I'll objectify MYSELF instead, just for you!". Wow. And if they ever break up, she may very likely regret ever having taken those pictures because of the chance that he could choose to plaster them all over the Internet.
DeleteMake porn.
ReplyDeleteTape your sex-acts. After a few month, you both will forget that specific act. Then, when you can't have sex for any reason...
This will motivate you to look good on camera, and you will have something to leverage against his porn addiction.
Also, its a cool way of documenting your LTR. When you change house, you can go back and see you old room.
When you get pregnant, you can relive the old more fit days.
And you won't mind watching with him.
Of course, if you ever divorce...
DeleteLook, I like porn a lot but if I could simply go out my door and easily find a woman to have sex with without having to pay for it or enter into a relationship which I am not interested in doing right now then I would never look at porn again. As long as women, acting the age-old game of sexual gatekeeper and demanding some kind of emotional or monetary payment for sex, make it so hard just to get some kind of quick and easy sexual release then men will continue to use and enjoy porn. Already younger women, those who have not known a world without freely available internet porn, understand this and are changing their sexual attitudes and are becoming more like men when it comes to recreational sex. We see this in the new "hookup culture" we are now seeing. They know that they have to change their attitudes toward sexual availability (although many young women never did have that old attitude and so just did what came naturally) in order to compete with more sexual choices men now have. People will still enter into long term relationships but for those who simply want sexual release by way of skin to skin contact with another and are foiled my having to jump through numerous hoops and in the end simply masturbate to porn instead will do just that.
ReplyDelete" it so hard just to get some kind of quick and easy sexual release then men will continue to use and enjoy porn"
ReplyDeleteAnd that is the exact reason why porn is so dangerous. Sex IS supposed to be hard to get by, so that men struggle, build and maintain civilization in order to get it.
They still will. <3
DeleteI've just come across your blog and finding it very interesting, I do have a question though if anyone can help me i'm in my late 30's but look slightly younger i keep fit and have been in a new relationship for the past year after splitting up form a very long marriage the new guys in his 40s. I'm very adventurous in the bedroom and up to try most things and have a high sex drive, my new partner says I'm the best he's had in bed and he says he can't believe how perfect and connected we are, so was quite shock to see that he has recently downland porn to his phone still watches and I assume masturbates over it. Yet I would quite happy to have it several times a day with him and I understand men masturbate but then he doesn't like me watching porn or playing with myself he wants to be the only one to satisfy me so told me not to do anything unless hes there and would find it insulting if i did. so I don't understand why he's feeling the need to do it. I was a very confident person now im having insecurity's about him and myself thinking im not good enough now and im always trying to improve myself i go to the gym i take pride in myself i can be sexy and dirty in bed whatever he wants at the time. so why the need to jerk off,but then he hates the thought if i pleasure myself is there something wrong with me, but then on the other hand he says he's never enjoyed sex so much and hes in his 40s he said i make him feel 16 again. just wondered why he would feel the need for porn when im always up for it. And now i don't feel good enough and gone down on myself.
ReplyDeleteHe might be getting bored or you might be starting to gain weight, age, etc. While this isn't necessarily a valid excuse for him to bail on your sexual relationship, it also might be possible to re-attract him by working out, or changing things up - have you had sex in public? ;)
DeleteI don't think porn in small doses here and there is a big deal; but if it starts to replace sex you are in trouble.
I think, in this case, that it might be worth not looking at his sexual needs as some kind of set quota of sexual behaviours that he has to fullfill every month (and that if he'd happen to fill his cup with other stuff than you, it would somehow mean that you're not enough) but rather to look at sex as a mild case of addiction; the more often you take a hit, the more substance you have to use to get a kick next time. He's simply working on higher gear since you're getting down and dirty so very hard and often. Porn is an easy fix to save him from the post-orgasmic lows, and provides the variety he needs.
DeleteWhat bothers me is his insistence on you never playing with yourself without him, though. I can see a couple of problems looming on the horizon just by reading between the lines. Wishing you luck.
PS. I disagree with Andrew regarding the sex in public, but the choice is ultimately yours. I've noticed that once you've been driving a guy up the wall with intense kink he won't be happy to oblige when you want to tune stuff down in order to facilitate deeper bonding, or just return back to basics. YMMV, ofc.
Part 1: Hey Andrew, I have a question that I have been wondering about off and on since me and my ex broke up.
ReplyDeleteMe and my ex called it quits (or rather, I packed my stuff and he came home 2find me gone) a while back. It was due, in large part to what I felt was a porn addiction on his part. I didn't mind porn on occasion so long as it didn't interfere with our sex life. He was in his late 20's and me in my early ones (now I'm almost 25) and we had been 2gether for 2years.
Most of the relationship, he talked down to me a lot and was a dick who kept telling me how much he loved Asian women. My grandmother is half Japanese and half Irish, and everyone else within 3generations is either American Black or Bajan (Barbadian) Black. I don't look exactly Asian since I'm more of a mixture, so obviously this was very hurtful. Eventually, I started lashing out in return and it almost always ended in me being emotional. Then I got more caustic, and finally just packed. Clearly I was an idiot for staying at all, but he would be really sweet sometimes, dropped the L bomb after 2weeks, and was talking about kids b4 we'd been 2gether 2months, and started asking me weird questions like, "Could you hate me if I got you pregnant?" I then insisted on being present when he bought the condoms and holding onto them myself just in case he sabotaged them, along with getting on birth control without his knowledge. He also had very little drive to accomplish more than the bare minimum in his life, which I know now is not compatible with me. All of this sounds like obvious mental disorder behavior now but, him being my 2nd experience with guys and good at manipulation, I didn't realize when it was time to bolt and leave his mind games behind.
Sex started to wane, he got even more critical, and I wasn't sure why. We had sweet and "dirty" sex, I looked up how to do things differently, give a great blowjob, etc. I was confused because I'd always been told how hot or gorgeous I was by guys, the first guy never had any sexual complaints, and, not to come off wrong but I am 5'2" with a 23 inch waist, big boobs, round butt, clear skin, curly hair, and am made aware that I look really good and take great care of myself and my guy. I didn't know what was up and it was driving me insane. Sooo... I snooped. I am a master on the computer and found he was watching only Asian and (sometimes) Middle Eastern teen porn with girls who had really small boobs. I remembered him talking about the Lebanese girl that worked at the gas station up the street when I saw this. I was hurt that he was clearly lying when he said his sex drive was not up to par. It obviously was if he could find the strength to masturbate to these girls online. I didn't want any more lies, and was tired of the relationship anyway, so I left leaving him a note not to contact me again. I told him we were not friends because friends didn't treat friends that way so we had no reason to speak. He tried to contact me and finally gave up after 2months. I am with a new guy now and have been very happy for quite a while since he is so much more driven, passionate about living, and supportive than the last guy, who I felt more compassion for than anything. I guess I wanted to save him somehow, and my guy today is someone I actually admire and don't feel I have to save, which is refreshing for me.
Part 2:
ReplyDeleteMy question though is, since that is the only type of porn the old guy was looking at, does that mean that is what ultimately turned him on the most physically in a woman? And wouldn't a man who kept looking up one very specific type of woman who does not look like his S.0. increase his chances of cheating with a woman who looked like that "fantasy girl" if the opportunity arose since he has trained his mind and body to respond to her sexually moreso than other women? He kept claiming that he didn't want that and saying he was sorry, but I can't imagine that, given the option to look up any woman you want, you would continue to look up one particular type of woman if she wasn't your "type" that you wish you could have. I am not having this problem in my relationship right now *knock on wood* but I would like to be totally sure, at least to satisfy my curiosity, and at most to know in the future if this ever came up again for any reason.
Oh, and by "sex started to wane," I mean once a month. Maybe twice.
ReplyDeleteMasturbation isn't enhanced all that much by porn.
ReplyDeleteMan....always something the woman needs to do to make sex more exciting to keep her man away from porn. lol Holy shit. How about men realize that removing emotion from sex was the problem in the first place? How about control? How about waiting for your woman to get home from work before "knocking one out". It's today's spoiled rotten mommy's boys that think they need what they want right now. I've wanted a chocolate bar for months, but because men won't love me if I get fat I haven't gotten to have one. When I finally do get a chocolate bar, IT'S GOING TO BE AMAZING!!! But how many times has the asshole called man fucked his hand NOT waiting for a real woman? Learn to WAIT! If you do, your sexual experience will be OFF the charts! DUH!!! Maybe a man wouldn't get told NO all the time if he learned that most normal women don't like to feel used and fucked by an unemotional sexual encounter! If we're treated like 3 sets of holes to put your member in, turned over fourteen times and pounded to only please yourself...and that's all you focus on because you've watched entirely TOO much porn, it's no wonder sex doesn't happen as much as you'd like. Put the passion and emotion back into sex and watch how women will want to.
ReplyDeleteI love to have sex. I love having dirty sex. I love my significant other knowing they can have me whenever they want me and that I'd do anything.. However my boyfriend just left me. Ultimately he (as in when were fighting the last time we spoke) he broke up with me for snooping through his shit. basically his phone. I know people do this and I know I did it wayyy less often than a lot of people do but whatever I know I shouldn't do it when I do. And anytime I ever have I've told him about it (ya know usually bc you find something) but anyway I didn't used to do it with him, I didn't want to want to, but after the first time he broke my trust, it grew from there. Anywayyyy we had a little porn problem a time or two but not really since we had moved in together. We had been friends for years and years before we started finally dating and I had known or had heard when we were younger that he looked at a lot of porn. So one time like the first time I ever found where he had been looking at porn we talked about it and he had said that he did used to kind of have a porn addiction. So whatever he said he didn't and stuff for the rest of our relationship and of course as you might assume got terribly angry with me anytime I wondered if he did. So we broke up now and I've come to realize that during a lot of our relationship he was still looking at porn (not so much after we moved in together tho) but immediately after he left me (although the last thing we talked about in person was that he was going to stay at his mom's for like a week and it would just be a little break, but then him not talking to me for the next 5 days quickly got me to start dealing with it being a break up. So the porn that I so stupidly discovered isn't just like porn videos it's like a cam site. So these are other girls and even talk a little but he even like pays girls tokens and shit. That's literally paying some other live girl to do sexual things for you. I'm not sure how that could ever be classified as not cheating. It was good for me to find out tho. I don't know what else would have woken me up and made me know I shouldn't be with him.
ReplyDeleteHow common are sexual fetishes in men?
ReplyDeleteI put up a pair of shoes for sale online and there was one picture with my feet in the shoes. I couldn't believe the amount of responses from men with a thing for women's feet asking for more pictures.
Are most men afraid to voice these things if their preferences are outside the norm?
Maybe a subset of men with porn addictions are looking up things they don't get to act out in real life, because they simply haven't said anything about it to their girlfriends (even if she is hot and always up for it)?
Been with my guy for 10 years, 8 married. Porn has always made me feel inadequate, but it probably wouldn't have if the first episode of 'catching' him at it wasn't walking in on him jacking off to a picture of a woman fully clothed. Her face and upper body were all that were visible, so he was straight up jacking off to the thought of HER, not her body. Which, hurt beyond what I could even have believed.
ReplyDeleteMy point is that I understand that watching people have sex turns humans on. It turns me on. But, it was jarring to have my first experience with this in our relationship being him needing to mentally fuck another woman.
So, basically, porn has been ruined for me, basically because at least before this, I could lie to myself and think that maybe he was only imagining the body parts, ect.
Fast forward 9 years to today: I've found porn around every 6 months or so, whether or not I try to please him or not.
To explain our sex life, I will straight up say that though there are times that my job has not let us have sex more than twice a week, my sexual appetite is strong. I want much variety. I want bondage, I would like to have threesome's. I would like to be used. I would like to dress up. I would like so many things ... but bondage, which is what I sexually really want, has never been given to me. Though I've hinted and finally point blank told him that I would love it if he did it to me.
He has never given me this, and this year I just sort of had to make the decision to not want it, if I wanted to stay with him.
Well, it turns out he's been watching porn of the very same things THAT I WANT DONE TO ME. I don't know how to be. I don't know how, as a woman, to rationalize this to myself.
To me, it seems that no matter what I do, he will want porn. No matter how different I want our sex life to be, he will want porn.
And this is where it is discouraging. What is the point of me trying, if all I will ever get is the dregs he gives me after he jacks off? Where do I even go with this hurt?
I love him, dearly, and he claims to love me more than anything in the world. But how do we do this thing called relationship and marraige if he chooses porn over me? Am I just a partner, not a true sexual fantasy?
I grant that my situation is somewhat different than the average woman's, and maybe I should be more open to the thought of him thinking of other women. But, are there truly no options to this dilemma other than 'Well, just try to please him sexually so he won't want porn?'
I'm sorry, this has been more of a diary entry than a comment. Its just that this is an issue that is at the point of making or breaking my marraige. And I don't want it to break. Granted, I also don't want to feel as if I'm a sloppy second to the porn.
And I will note that I'm a 6 on the beauty scale, a 7 when I get dressed up nice. I'm 5'5" and 170 lbs, so this is not a 'You are GROSSLY unattractive!!!' issue, I believe.
If there WAS any issue, it would be that I do not have confidence in myself sexually anymore, because I feel that the porn is more important than me.
I do not know HOW to stop feeling this way. Even as I understand that men have a higher sex drive, I do not know how to not be hurt that I do not get what I want sexually, as he watches and jacks off to what I want.
:(
Just call me unhappily married to the perfect guy in almost every aspect.
I will also note that behavior in humans, in general, is done for a reason. We train babies that some actions will get a certain outcome, and therefore, if they want an outcome, the should take a certain action. It is human nature to be 'trained'. But, there is never an answer to the relationship question.
DeleteOnline, what advice I can find in general is that if I want him to look at porn less, the general consensus is 'Give him more sex!'. But, if that action doesn't actually make the porn go away, what, I ask, is the reward to the female to give more sex than she normally wants (Ie. desires)? If that sounds selfish, let me explain. I believe that if someone is going out of their way to give something that they wouldn't normally do (say, sex three times a day or something), that is called doing an action that they don't 'truly' want, even if they want it after they start. Or, forcing themselves to do something in order to get an outcome.
My point is, why are women told to 'give more sex' when this will not ever take the underlying 'problem' of a man wanting sex with other women away?
Even though I'm trying to figure all of this out, this is more of a philosophical quandary than anything else, mind you.
I know exactly where your coming from! I've only been with my s.o for 3yrs(him late 20's me mid 20's) and I knew he masturbated to porn in the past. To me its natural and I admit to taking a look myself once in awhile. But for the last year of our relationship I have been lucky to get sex 3 days a month whereas other times I'm rejected due to tiredness or a headache or any other excuse on his part. BUT...I will find evidence of him masturbating to porn even hours after turning me down for sex! He will reject my advances for 2-3 weeks sometimes but I will find porn on the comp or his phone at least twice a week. I have pushed past my mental blockers to anal sex when I noticed that as a main subject of his searches...he has since rarely looked up that subject. He knows I'm willing at least once a week and very into nearly anything he can come up with to try in bed and still he will choose to turn me down 8/10 times but freely choose porn (almost always "teen" creampie and such) instead of choosing the very real woman who wants it?? How are us women supposed to feel about that besides unwanted?! Where is the boundary line that MEN should make instead of the woman "giving more?"
DeleteI am confused about number 4 to a certain extent. I like to "fuck" with the same frequency as "making love". But it seems that porn has de-sensitized men to what constitutes exciting or novel sex, the point in the which I have been made to feel that I have to endure pain and humiliation with a smile on my face. Lucky my fiance is not like this, but I wonder about the psychology about men who are.
ReplyDeleteFor example, a lot of young men in my peer group seem really preoccupied with anal sex. My experience with 2 sexual partners suggests that men aren't generally all that into anal in a relationship, they just like the idea of having it on the table. My fiance explained that he doesn't feel dominant when struggling to get something inside of my unnaturally, or having to pay extra close attention to how hard he goes. But I hear men talking about this openly and publicly like it is the ultimate sex act. There is generally a story of a chick who was just looooooved it in the butt, but then miraculously turned out be frigid and crazy a couple of months down the road. There is no connection in their mind between a woman who is willing to fake so elaborately during something so intimate and being able to fake everything else too.
When a man truly has dominion over you, it is implicit. It is in the fact he repositions you in a way you happen to like, or pins your hands back, or follows a rhythm that pleases you both without instruction. He shouldn't need to cause you discomfort and believe you when you glance back at him glassy eyed and narrate "oh you're fucking my ass so good".
A shocking amount of young men have crossed over from manageable bad habit to outright ruining themselves sexually. Enough women are willing to play along while resenting these showy, false shows of dominance from an ultimately impotent weak man (for a time) that they think that well-adjusted women who fuck like this are available and easy to come by.
When I hear men tell me I need to "keep it fresh" I am instantly suspicious of what they actually mean.
Can you even think about how much better your best 10 porn life would be if you had complete management over your ejaculation? Are you prepared to find some dedicated organic methods to make it a truth tonight? Guy you better put on your seatbelt and get prepared to understand the methods here that will convert you into a sex device before you know it.
ReplyDeleteAndrew, I love your blog but do not agree with this post. I'm a woman, 37, and I believe that the porn issue is not that big of a deal as you emphasize. Or rather, you sounding so strict about it makes women believe that it's such a big deal. I cannot understand women who feel threatened and jealous over porn.
ReplyDeleteMy last relationship was 10 years, and my husband did look at porn, sometimes we watched together, and it never ever crossed my mind to feel that something is wrong. We have to understand that men are highly visual creatures, and that they want variety. Not that they want, they NEED. That variety cannot be obtained from one woman, especially from the type that always wants to please them in bed; this fact exactly points to the submissive type, even if out of submission she plays a "dominant" role. It's a case of prophecy coming true, where being afraid of losing the guy dictates your behavior in a way that will determine losing the guy.
My point is let the man be free in his mind, don't police his actions - he will just hide better, if he wants variety and you cannot provide it be happy that he safely gets it from porn rather than hookers or even worse, going crazy in his mind. I believe my man's healthy state of mind is much more important than my irrational insecurity.
Nagging him will get you nowhere, most likely he won't find you attractive anymore and will make him watch even more easy porn over you. If you simply cannot get over it in your mind, just leave the guy; however, chances are your next man will be the same. Honestly, I've never ever heard of a man with a healthy sex drive who does not watch porn even in a relationship; he will confess if you have an open conversation with him with no judgment.
I can't disagree with you more. Porn IS a problem when in excess. Take for example;
DeleteIts a tradition for a couple to have a glass of wine and spend 30minutes of down time together before bed. Suddenly the person who normally pours the drinks starts putting more in their own glass then their partners until gradually the partner has none and the other is drunk. Then that partner with the full glass starts spending those 30minutes with a picture frame instead of the real human.
What does that leave the other person with but an empty glass. Porn itself wouldn't be the problem if the person who chooses it doesn't neglect their partner in the process. There needs to be an equal playing field with these type of things..if my partner wants to masterbate to porn twice a week that's fine...as long as he's willing to also have real sex with me for more then only twice a month...twice a month versus 2x4?? Seems a little selfish to me.
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