I've approached hundreds of women in bars and nightclubs. Maybe thousands. I've done it in all kinds of moods and at different stages of my life; I've done it during the day, at night, drunk, buzzed, sober, when I was bored, excited, tired, horny, single, dating, in relationships, etc.
On top of my own efforts, I've watched countless male friends, acquaintances and random dudes approach women. I've talked to them about their nerves beforehand, their mood afterwards, what they wanted to get out of the interaction and what they expected to happen. I know their reasons for approaching women, and I know my own.
Finally, I've watched plenty of men (myself included at times) give in to their nerves or the circumstance, and not approach at all. Some of these guys have done it a million times before, some are doing it for the first time, and others never have before and still can't. I've heard their excuses, and I know my own. Sometimes they are legitimate.
On top of my own efforts, I've watched countless male friends, acquaintances and random dudes approach women. I've talked to them about their nerves beforehand, their mood afterwards, what they wanted to get out of the interaction and what they expected to happen. I know their reasons for approaching women, and I know my own.
Finally, I've watched plenty of men (myself included at times) give in to their nerves or the circumstance, and not approach at all. Some of these guys have done it a million times before, some are doing it for the first time, and others never have before and still can't. I've heard their excuses, and I know my own. Sometimes they are legitimate.
The following is a list of reasons why men do not approach women in bars. Note that it is not ordered by the frequency or the strength of the deterrent, but by the controllability. The color coding made the list look a lot cooler than assigning a numeric value - my apologies to the mathematicians. (I acknowledge that the controllability could be quantified and then factored into the overall rating, but appearance is too often underrated and/or neglected, so it's staying the way it is.)
* This list assumes that you are in the same venue for long enough that temporary distractions or time constraints are not deterrents.
Obviously some of these rankings are variable, but I have tried to put a reasonable estimate in where that is the case. For example, which friends you are out with will definitely influence how rude it would be to leave them (I had in mind good friends you don't get to see very often), or some guys will care more about getting a girl that fits their "type" than others.
Notice how controllable some of the worst cock-blockers are. It makes good sense for women concerned with their approachability to spend most of their energy addressing (to the degree to which they are able):
- Those that have a high overall score
- Those that are highly controllable
I would like to think this list is complete, but I am more concerned with making it that way, so your comments are welcome. I am trying to focus only on the top-level stuff, so things like a girl's weight or her overt sluttiness would not cut it, because both are reasons why "He doesn't find you attractive," not reasons he doesn't approach.
Ah, this blog is awesome. Long-term reader now!
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. This is so eye opening for me, as a 22 year old female just getting out of a relationship. Please keep up the great posts!
ReplyDeleteVery interesting chart there. I'd like a better sense of how to address some of these deterrents. For example, if he doesn't find you attractive, isn't that a deterrent with a strength of 10? On the off chance that a guy will approach a girl he's not attracted to, wouldn't she be better off if he stayed away, leaving herself open for someone who might find her more attractive?
ReplyDeleteHow do you advise women to address guys being nervous and afraid of rejection? I've encouraged women to initiate by smiling. One woman I know swears by "eye f*cking" until the guy comes over. You'd think that would send the wrong message but she met her bf of two years this way.
Do you ever advise women to do the approaching? Is there a way to do that and still be feminine?
One last question - I've had women tell me that guys walk up and introduce themselves, but after talking briefly they walk away. One obvious possibility is that the women are boring or aloof - not giving IOIs. I also wonder whether a guy tries to gauge a woman's degree of sluttiness, i.e. his chance of getting laid. If it doesn't seem like it's on, perhaps he moves along in search of more amenable prey?
Ha, you're going to regret introducing yourself to me!
I definitely recommend eye f*cking but don't be creepy about it just let the guy notice you have looked at him more than once. After the second or third time he makes eye contact smile turn your head away. If he is attracted to you I promise he will come over. Works everytime, but make sure you let him come to you guys like being pursing you not the other way around. Makes them feel like the man. Plus it lets you know that they are confident, which I promise that is something you want in a guy.
DeleteI am halfway through writing a post about why women should not take the initiative with men, and others addressing most of the items on that list - they're coming!
ReplyDeleteA guy walking away after a brief intro could be any number of things - the girl is not as attractive close up, isn't fun, isn't giving him good feedback, isn't going to give it up (your idea), he wants to go talk to other girls, he is trying to avoid outstaying his welcome and will come back to get her number later in the night (I do this all the time), etc.
I kind of agree with women not taking the initiative with men, but that being said they should still give positive feedback as in smiling and eye contact to show their interest. I love your writing, and also came here from hookingupsmart. Another very very inteteresting blog is What Women Never Hear. www.wwnh.wordpress.com That blog saved my marriage and has brought so much happiness between myself and my husband. I'm 45, he's 53 and it's a second marriage for both of us. I've deprogrammed myself from the feminist poison that wrecked my first marriage...Thank all you writers for sharing your gifts so generously!! Kotoula.
ReplyDeleteThis is really good, but wait until certain feminists get a hold of it. They will be calling you a creepy stalker rapist for advising women to spend time alone in clubs (the easily correctable 30 and 36 scores). Women could always bring large dogs for protection and just stand outside the club.
ReplyDeleteBTW I'm another type of feminist.
feminism: the belief that men and women are EQUAL, not one superior than the other. Get it right please.
DeleteNo, his initial description was accurate. Learn up on some stuff, bruh.
DeleteI always get approached and asked for number. I seldom ask someone to dance in a club. Just wondering why I get approached a lot even though I consider myself not really that attractive.
ReplyDeleteI did not recommend that women should hang out alone in clubs. I just said if there are more than two girls with a woman, she is less likely to be approached.
ReplyDeleteThis is true, I don't think I'm that attractive but I get approached alot in clubs and I just realised that I tend to wonder off a lot or at least stand a little distance away from the girls and subconsciously I stand closer to girls/guys I've come with when I don't want anyone to approach me.
DeleteAlso you don't have to stand alone you can go buy drinks, I've been chatted up many times while waiting at the bar.
(1) How attractive you consider yourself is not necessarily an accurate reflection of how attractive you are.
ReplyDelete(2) The hottest women (9s and 10s) are usually at least somewhat intimidating to men, and probably get approached less frequently than 6 through 8s.
(3) While looks are important, they are not everything when it comes to the approach. A girl that makes herself approachable in every way not related to looks, and is still decently attractive, will get way more guys approaching her than the hottest girl that does everything else to repel men (intentionally or not).
What is the impression of women who go out alone(say to a concert, art gallery)? I do this somewhat regularly, particularly now that my friends are all paired up with children. I get the feeling this doesn't work in my favor, despite best efforts in regards to making myself as physically attractive as possible. On the very rare occasions men approach me(I'm shy, it's not my nature to approach but consider myself quite receptive, smile easily etc), they engage in conversation, but never ask for my number. I get the impression I'm possibly losing out by socializing alone, that it's somehow detrimental? Of course, possibly I'm just actually THAT unattractive, not everyone can be a winner even with best efforts.
DeleteI would still go out alone, and with my best presentation, I am attending things I genuinely enjoy and enjoy taking care of my appearance. However I would like to attract a guy who would be interested/proud to attend these things with me and form a solid relationship. My interests lie in the obscure and tend to be "male dominated". This is where I get confused, it seems like it's a no-brainer? Unless going out alone gives a really really bad impression that I've been oblivious to?
Regarding approachability, then, what would you suggest girls do? Smile, look easygoing, and somehow embody the antithesis of steeliness/intimidation?
ReplyDeleteLower the cell phone.
DeletePut the drink on the table or at least below throat level.
Look at the person trying to approach. Don't do the room scan.
Smile.
Say something, anything, respond in some way other than "hey".
If your not interested, say so quickly and let him move on.
good advice
DeleteI like your post about " Why You Don't Get Approached by Men " really it is very very nice and helpful article.I have do appreciate about this article and
ReplyDeletethis blog.I come here again for latest update.Also, more about how to approach women
Here is something else I've always wondered:
ReplyDeleteWHY OH WHY is it that when I'm dressed well, having a great hair day, and FEEL good is when NOONE will approach me. But when I have just gotten out of the gym and I look like hell and my hair is up in a pony tail and I haven't even frekkin SHOWERED yet, that is when I get approached?? lol! I am at a loss.
It is because you are intimidating when you are dressed up, which MIGHT (hard to say, not knowing you) be magnified by your closed behavior when you are looking your best out in public. A lot of women, when they are dressed up, are less open with their body language and facial expressions due to being so self-conscious of the attention they are getting from men.
DeleteJust found. Just signed up for your updates. LOVE.
DeleteNow - do you have a post that addresses what you mention here? ( "A lot of women, when they are dressed up, are less open with their body language and facial expressions due to being so self-conscious of the attention they are getting from men.") I never get approached, ever.
Let women do the approaching so that men will know that they are interested. This may also end up raising the value of men. I hope so!
ReplyDeletehaha yuppers
ReplyDeleteYour posts are interesting. I do not necessarily agree with every point, but I think you make interesting observations.
ReplyDeleteOne thing to consider. Some men find women attractive, but have made up their mind that they aren't going to pursue. It could be a religious reason. It could be a non-religious reason, but still a "moral" reason.
This isn't exactly a fear of being rejected.
Keep in mind that some people actually go to clubs to drink or to hang out with friends.
DeleteI have a question:
ReplyDeleteThere's a guy at my church that I think was approaching me a few months ago, but I wasn't looking at the time and therefore didn't respond. Now, I AM looking and I DO like him. How do I convey that I've changed my mind without doing the approaching?
The problem is when a woman says: "men do not approach me". This means you do not approach men. If you said that you approach men but they reject you then I would have sympathy. The reality is that all the approaching that happens is from the men's side, and the result is almost universally that things go nowhere as a result. I know this from experience and from stories other guys bring up.
ReplyDeleteWhen approaching females a guy can expect a 99-100% failure rate. This reality feeds back into the system and causes most men to not approach at all. The men you notice staring, but not approaching, is their way of expressing their desire to approach but ultimately not going through with it because of the very high chance of failure and possible humiliation that will result.
If you truly do want men to approach you then I suspect you are part of the very small minority of females who actually want to meet men in public, OR you are lying by omission and only want the very highest calibre of men to approach you, which still translates into being unapproachable for the vast majority of men.
I suggest you do some approaching yourself. And if you refuse to do that, and I suspect you will because women are chicken about this sort of thing, then you must go out of your way to make yourself as approachable as possible. You can do this by standing next to guys you want to meet and giving them some smiles and eye contact. That is plenty of bait and for me personally it would be all the signals I need to strike up a conversation with you, assuming I was interested. I would never, ever approach a woman that didn't give me obvious signals of interest, and I suspect many other guys are the same. Look at it this way, giving signals of interest is much easier than approaching, so to not even be willing to do THAT part of the mating dance is wholly unacceptable.
Which is why men usually screen themselves out rather than BE screened out.
I hear from others all the time, to 'smile' in order to seem approachable. I feel weird walking around smiling, or sitting in a bar smiling. How do I do this and make it look natural and not like a crazy person? Would walking around with a grin constantly pasted on my face really work? Or are their other ways to appear open to being approached? Thanks
ReplyDeleteYou smile at the man who you like who approaches you. Not just at random guys in the bar.
DeleteNow, I know how to act or behave in front of guys. I like this video. Anyone can try this.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQ4voOU15-k
Andrew your advice is on point and very perceptive, like the whole psychology of it.
ReplyDeleteWhat is your advice for how women should turn down a guy at a bar/club such that other men won't think she is cold/unapproachable? I've had attractive guys come up to me and get too handsy or be too drunk, so I've moved on, but I don't want other men to think I am closed off.
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ReplyDelete