A girl I used to sleep with is now dating a guy who refuses to make their relationship official, and she is constantly complaining to me about his "commitment problems." I've heard this before from other women in similar situations, so let me clarify something: men don't have commitment problems.
Claiming that men have commitment problems implies that men have some kind of commitment obligation. But there is no world view in which men are obligated to resist their desire for female variety and become monogomous. Even though some world views claim that this is a respectable or virtuous thing to do (as some religious views do), most men will not respect that opinion, let alone share it; and the few that do will have to fight their natural tendencies to follow it. By expecting men to commit against their natural inclinations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Men only commit to women they have strong feelings for, and even then they are making a sacrifice. If you find yourself claiming that a guy you like "has commitment problems," be honest with yourself: the truth is that he doesn't like you enough to commit. Get over it.
Claiming that men have commitment problems is similar to men claiming that women are whores because they like a guy that is more successful or confident. Both are wrong, obnoxious, and rooted in self-deception; and both sexes need to stop using them as excuses.
If you suspect that he thinks he can do better than you (but can't), you are not going to bring his head out of the clouds by hanging around waiting for him to change his mind. This will only contribute to his self-delusion. The best thing you can do is to forget about him, move on, and work improving yourself. Then the next time you will be able to keep a guy of that caliber.
Claiming that men have commitment problems implies that men have some kind of commitment obligation. But there is no world view in which men are obligated to resist their desire for female variety and become monogomous. Even though some world views claim that this is a respectable or virtuous thing to do (as some religious views do), most men will not respect that opinion, let alone share it; and the few that do will have to fight their natural tendencies to follow it. By expecting men to commit against their natural inclinations, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.
Men only commit to women they have strong feelings for, and even then they are making a sacrifice. If you find yourself claiming that a guy you like "has commitment problems," be honest with yourself: the truth is that he doesn't like you enough to commit. Get over it.
Claiming that men have commitment problems is similar to men claiming that women are whores because they like a guy that is more successful or confident. Both are wrong, obnoxious, and rooted in self-deception; and both sexes need to stop using them as excuses.
If you suspect that he thinks he can do better than you (but can't), you are not going to bring his head out of the clouds by hanging around waiting for him to change his mind. This will only contribute to his self-delusion. The best thing you can do is to forget about him, move on, and work improving yourself. Then the next time you will be able to keep a guy of that caliber.
There are women that are comfortable to date for a while - the only requirements are that they are sexy, fun, and reasonably easy to get along with. Under these conditions you can have an ongoing relationship even if it doesn't last long.
ReplyDeleteA man (with options) who is evaluating wife or mother potential has a whole lot of other criteria he's looking at. And if you don't make good wife or mother material, what the heck would be the point in committing to you? We would only be wasting your time and ours if we never intend to marry you.
A man looking to commit will want to see ample signs of honesty, integrity, trustworthiness, thrift, sensitivity, sexuality, physical fitness, wholesome values, non-sluttiness, and other character traits.
The sad truth is that the vast majority of American women are simply unworthy of commitment. They are washed up party girls, who spent their attractive years drinking and sleeping with every good looking douchebag that hit on her. When she realizes her looks are starting to fade and she doesn't like working that corporate job, only then does she start looking for a sucker to rope into commitment. By then she is nearly worthless as a wife and mother.
Women in other countries (non-western) seem to get that if they expect a man to make the major sacrifice of commitment, they need to give him her prime beauty and reproductive years. She needs to be skilled in the nurturing arts and demonstrate loyalty. Otherwise she'll be an awful wife and mother. Men do not want a hard-bitten corporate warrior who can't stop competing with everyone in her life. Your degree means nothing to us. Your "independence" means nothing to us (except as a red flag).
If a man is going to risk half his wealth to divorce theft, you better be a high-quality woman, period. Otherwise you should be expecting to get pumped and dumped nearly every time.
But you're forgetting that a vast majority of American men aren't prime candidates for marriage themselves- they, too, are washed-up beer-guzzling pot-bellied lazy bums. Attractive, intelligent, caring women want attractive, intelligent, caring men, too. Such women also have options, and wouldn't waste their time on someone unworthy.
DeleteGood point, though I don't think "the vast majority" of American men OR women conform to the negative sterotypes.
DeleteA lot, maybe, but not a sweeping majority.
ShortBlonde, isn't that the truth.
DeleteAnd women who don't sleep around, and who are "wife-material," generally get overlooked for most of their twenties because guys in their age range are too busy being assholes to think about settling down until they start losing their hair.
In fact, ladies, if you want to find a guy who will commit, find one who is in the early stages of losing his hair. They're the one who realize they don't have a whole lot of time left in which to attract a worthwhile and pretty woman.
Don't marry an old, fat, bald guy though. That's just gross.
"if you want to find a guy who will commit, find one who is in the early stages of losing his hair. They're the one who realize they don't have a whole lot of time left in which to attract a worthwhile and pretty woman."
DeleteSmart girl.
ShortBlonde, Charming:
DeleteAnd the men who want relationships are passed over by the cute, relationship-wanting girls like you because
--we're not good looking enough
--you just don't like us "in that way"
--you just want to be friends
--you think we're such good friends
--we don't make enough money
--you're just "not feeling it"
--you're just "not that into" us
--"we just don't have anything in common"
--he's too needy/clingy/weird/odd
--he invested too soon by buying me dinner
--he wants a relationship when I just want to have fun
--I don't want to get serious (with you, because you're not good looking enough)
How do I know looks are important to girls like you?
"Don't marry an old, fat, bald guy though. That's just gross."
Yeah. You stay classy, CharmingDisarray. stay classy.
"if you want to find a guy who will commit, find one who is in the early stages of losing his hair."
DeleteThat is a well known fact, because the number one reason (from what I've read) for men choosing to settle down, is that they feel too old for the singles scene. That can happen in several ways - it's quite normal when their brothers, cousins, best friends and colleagues all start coupling up and settle down. He's barely got anyone to go out with anymore, much less go on a boys' holiday with.
I read a post from a guy who explained when he realized he had leave the singles scene. He went to his local pub to sit down by the bar and have a drink. The young, attractive waitress assigned him to a table, automatically assuming he was waiting for his wife. He said at THAT moment he knew he in fact was at an age when he should have a wife. He felt like he didn't fit in and left the bar.
Even if is true, I find it somewhat depressing. It indicates that men leave the singles scene when they are too old for it or they have lost their chances, never before. Marriage is the end of the fun and the last resort past a certain age. I don't want to marry a man who's banged a bunch of girls and now feels like his chances are diminishing. Much less who sees me as a woman he might have a shot with NOW.
Andrew, I'm curious how your male friends would react if you faced them with a similar scenario. To marry a woman who's 'had her fun', whom you know has had WAY better sex with others and are in fact leaving the guys she desires behind for the 'sensible choice' - you - who can give her a family now that she's pushing 30.
If she's slept around, she's unattractive for that reason alone - she's a slut - but let's say her number is reasonably low. It's just clear that she mostly sees you as 'safe and comfortable'. Kind of like a mini van. Nobody wants to feel that way, men or women.
My friends would be no happier than you are with the situation. You are right - no one wants to feel that way, man or woman. No one wants to "be settled for," any more than any of us wants to "settle." Pride is a strong second motivation for men (after sex), and becomes increasingly important with age. The same is true for women.
DeleteBut I don't think the truth is as depressing as you paint it. When I think about settling down, it isn't because I am aging and know I won't be able to get girls anymore. This might be a trigger for "shifting gears" and starting to think about the future, but there is a huge attraction to married life:
1. Steady pussy from a girl that is at least as hot and good sexually as the average girl I'd be banging otherwise - ideally, she will be significantly better. In fact, most guys are settling for the girls they bang casually, while they wait for a girl worth marrying.
2. The ability to raise children. A man loves (perhaps even has a need) to feel powerful, just as much as a woman loves to feel beautiful and nuturing. Psychologists among those reading can correct my unlearned observation here, but the power a man feels being responsible for the life of a child (even the physical power he feels being able to lift a baby up with such ease) should not be underestimated as a draw of married life and commitment.
3. Companionship. The idea of being an old man alone (albeit one who has a ton of notches in his belt from 40 years earlier) is depressing. Men are more independent than women, but we are not autonomous. Most of us want someone to share our life with. True, we want someone who doesn't nag, and makes herself beautiful as she can, and is a pleasure to be around, of course, but loneliness is a real consideration.
These things are "pull factors" towards marriage, rather than "push factors" from single life (like being the oldest guy in the bar). Aging may make men start to consider these things, but for me personally, it is those things that draw me to the idea of settling down. We'll see if I ever make it there...
"Men are more independent than women, but we are not autonomous"
DeleteI can add that research shows women handle loneliness better than men. In the happiness scale, single women are all over happier than single men (although I must add that the single men in that group whom are able to get laid are probably significantly happier than those who cannot).
Women have historically often been home alone with children - while their husbands were at sea, in the war etc. Some claim women are biologically wired to cope with that scenario better than men. Elderly men are also less able to take care of themselves and more often lonely than elderly women.
So get married guys :-) You're lucky to die first anyway.
" single women are all over happier than single men"
DeleteLast I heard something like 1 in 4 single women were on anti-depressants in the US....
Still worse for men. However, it gets worse when people get older.
Deletehttp://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/this-britain/women-are-happier-living-the-single-life-than-men-512723.html
So wait, losing your hair means you can't get laid? Really?
DeleteSo wait, losing your hair means you can't get laid? Really?
Delete>> Attractive, intelligent, caring women want attractive, intelligent, caring men, too. Such women also have options
DeleteName three.
The guys can go abroad and get incredibly hot women. When's the last time you saw foreign men trying to get a mail-order American bride?
I know what the market value of a 28-year-old good looking single mom is in Colorado as of 2013: She can catch a 50-year old guy.
'I know what the market value of a 28-year-old good looking single mom is in Colorado as of 2013: She can catch a 50-year old guy.'
DeleteThat's not always true ... people should be viewed as people first not what they have "baggage" wise.
I'm a 28 year old single mom in NY and I am in a great relationship with a 22 year old, very attractive guy who is my best friend and we get alone great, laugh all the time, things are amazing.
I feel saying all woman or all men, is not appropriate.. Like everything else each and every individual and situation is different. I dated a man for 31/2 years who him himself said he has an issue with commitment. He had such a horrific divorce that 8 years later he had issues. All he wanted was to be married and we had an incredible honest and loyal relationship together, and we broke up here and there during the relationship but after 2 weeks he would run back and say that he didn't want to spend his life without me. He was set in his ways after living alone for 8 years he could not share his space with anyone, but loved the thought of col-icing 2 lives together and marriage, but could not take that last step. I saw the torment that this put him threw for almost 4 years. It was like a tug of war going on with his emotions. So saying all men and all woman really isn't fair. We are all so different from different backgrounds cultures and lives that it can't be generalized..
Deletein reply to original post : men may have options but so do women. SInce many are financially independent, they certainly are not prepared to commit, date, mix, let alone engage their entire life to any bastard round the block who is going to just do one thing : spoil their life ... so truly if you think you have it all and can play with women, then you should think twice because the game can be played by us too and second some women, witnessing what is happening around, may opt for no man at all as the safest, lesss dangerous, hurtful and risky situation to be in. So no men dont have it all ..... and unless they offer all that women are looking for : true love, caring, committment, responsibility, protection, safety and fidelity, they are better off alone. So you are just telling us that males sets the rules of love, well i tell you, as a woman, that no woman will put up with the crap you are speaking about and will move on not because if a man tells her so or shows he does not care, but because they are wise and clever to know that men are the riskiest, most dangerous unsafe bet and investment there is even if they so happen to have fallen with that guy they will move away from.
DeleteSo stop thinking that male sets all the rules and that the game they play are only theirs. Most women have because wise and intelligent enough to stay away from the lose - lose investment that most men are.
i am sure that the women who are on depressants are not all singles but many are in an unhappy, neglecting, abusive or cheating relationship. So women may be suffering from being single (to a degree), but in a world of HIV and other std's and unreliable and uncommitted love, they also see all the benefits of being single : away from the pain and sufferance of abuse, neglect or betrayal and safe as far as health is concerned. Plus, they will not find themselves at 40 or so in a situation where they have no financial security and/or are alone to raise the kids that they may have had with partners who dumped them because they roam around and are not responsible and caring enough to even pay child support. So you see, there are a lot of good, wise and intelligent reasons to be single and have a job, safety, financial stability, no betrayal, no abuse, no cheating and associated risk .... and a pension when they retire. It may not be perfect, of the two choices and associated risks, the second is certainly a much safer placer to be ... and they still can have boyfriends if they so wish and be safe about it ... though in my position, i'd rather be alone and single than to settle for any guy ... since any guy is also a big word for loneliness and hearache.
DeletePlus, to be true, i would never date a b... ard who use the word bang to qualify the kind of relationship he has with women .
DeleteLike most men, Amercan and otherwise, are worthy of commitment ... let me laugh .. most women don t marry because they precisely are not ....
DeleteAnd women have by now understood, that marrying a man when she is young and beautiful is everything but a guarantee ....
DeleteSo i hope that soon they will prefer to have a career than to invest in a nut job that will abuse them, cheat on them, neglect them and eventually abandon them for a much younger sexy victim which will have to suffer from the same circle of abuse, pain, unreliability.
I would never mix late alone date or marry anyone like you ... you represent the worse of human and male kind (unfortunately, many men are like you) ... so i prefere the loyalty and safe world of singleness and love of a pet .. it is far less dangerous
I disagree. I would definitely say that in general, men my age have "commitment problems"- or, rather, an overwhelmingly stronger preference than women to remain single.
ReplyDeleteI'm 21. Of all the friends and acquaintances I have that are my age (a mixed bunch gender-wise), I can say with confidence that the amount of women I know that want to be in a relationship is EXTREMELY greater than the amount of men I know that want to be in a relationship. It may be an age-related issue, but it certainly seems that men are less likely to want to commit.
But that is exactly my point. "An overwhelminly stronger preference to stay single" or being "less likely to commit" are choices that men make based on natural inclinations, not "problems."
DeleteIt isn't as if men should be committing and aren't - which is the implication of using the word "problem." If the girls complaining about "commitment problems" complained instead about "commitment preferences" I wouldn't have written this post - because that is what it is: a preference.
Women are perfectly justified in being dismayed with the state of things. I would be too if I were a girl; I am sure it would be a frustrating that guys were hard to nail down. But I wouldn't complain about it as if men owed it to me to commit, any more than I complain now about women who reject my approaches. That is just part and parcel of trying to find a partner.
If I were a girl and wanted a guy to commit to me, I would do my best give him reason to overcome his natural preference (which is to be with many women), not accuse him of having some kind of "problem" whereby he skirted some supposed obligation.
This works the other way, too, of course (men need to give a woman a reason to commit), but because men are less inclined to do so, it is more a burden for women than men.
(By the way, I suspect there are plenty of men who want to date you. Something tells me it is only the ones you want to date that have "commitment problems" - no?)
I think the real issue is that society/law/media/tv has destroyed the sanctity of marriage. Add the divorce rates, and marriage is no longer a respected lifetime union and something of integrity to work hard at/for.
DeleteFor women, relationships with men is what can lead her to marriage.
Marriage for women is a plus/plus situation....she gains things
with the marriage and loses little if the marriage fails.
For men, what they gain with marriage does not seem to compare to
what he can lose with divorce.
Studies show men are protecting their assets, careers, etc. these
days by staying clear of divorce. If you don't get married,
you can't get divorced.
It's a shame, but society has made it that way.
Men don't commit because WOMEN don't value commitment. 70-80% of divorces are from women who just aren't 'happy' anymore (not infidelity).
Delete"For men, what they gain with marriage does not seem to compare to
what he can lose with divorce." - Truer words have never been spoken.
Kids, savings, earnings and retirement. Risk all that for some chick who f'd a basketball teams worth of men before settling?
Women are the one's who tossed the marriage tradition, not men. If you are the typical American woman who gave it away freely in high school and college without ANY expectation of marriage, then that's you.
"I can say with confidence that the amount of women I know that want to be in a relationship is EXTREMELY greater than the amount of men I know that want to be in a relationship."
DeleteAnd i bet that the amount of men you know who just want to sportsfuck are EXTREMELY greater than the females who want the same.
That's not a male "problem", that's the natural state of human sexual dimorphism. The reason you think it's a problem is because feminist have brainwashed you into believing that there are no innate differences between the genders, and thus, you project the female imperative of securing commitment onto the male mind.
What we DO have is an imbalance in the sexual market, compare to older times.
To put it bluntly: too many sluts have lowered the value of having access to vagina so low that it can not be offered as exchange for all of a mans material and immaterial resources.
That happened because feminists told you it would be empowering to sexually behave as men. Now guess what? Having access to a penis is worth nothing, because it's not only offered everywhere, it's occasionally thrown at you.
No doubt the feminist want to lower the value of access to vagina to the same worthless levels. It's empowering to be a slut, ain't it?
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2012/jan/10/sherlock-nude-dominatrix
Vagina being as worthless as penis would not be a problem if men and women had the same preferences, but as you see, females prefer to have access to a mans material and emotional resources, rather than have access to his devalued penis.
What's so funny is that males are even less prone to offer commitment now that access to vagina is so devalued, raising the demand for male commitment even further, and raising the value disparity of the commodities that the different genders offer even further.
So now you got a situation were showing your cunt holds approximately the same value as showing your ankle in older times, when access to vagina was more expensive.
Now, since beauty and access to vagina are the only currency left to women now that feminine traits such as submissiveness, ability to nurture and the like have been proclaimed to be leftovers from a evil patriarchal era, the only thing you girls have going for you is to give even MOAR vagina! The inflation of vagina is about to reach hyperinflation and become totally worthless, a situation were men will be able to demand a fuck on the spot in order to even bother to listen to the girls need for commitment.
At the same time, this situation is only available to the most valuable men, since female hypergamy dictates that only men of higher value than themselves are worthy of receiving vagina in order to secure commitment.
Thus, you got an greatly expanded cast of loser men who will never get to touch vagina, only masturbate to pictures of them in front of the screen.
And no matter how desperate women will become for commitment, and no matter how devalued their vagina becomes, they will never contemplate buying the commitment of lower men, due to their "50 Shades of Grey" and "Twilight" hyperactivated hypergamy.
Women will receive NOTHING from the lower and higher level males, except for contempt and pump and dumps.
There is a constantly shrinking middle ground of higher betas/lower alphas, were one can find men who are worthy to secure commitment from, but not hot enough to be chased by sluts. In that area, there is still a resembles of functioning eras. However, as sluts continue to have their vagina devalued...
You girls are being shafted, and shafted hard by feminism.
And i haven't even started to talk about your careers, your children and your future as grandmothers.
Congratulations. And for what? For this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NN05DHO9bJw
Regarding "The inflation of vagina is about to reach hyperinflation and become totally worthless, a situation were men will be able to demand a fuck on the spot in order to even bother to listen to the girls need for commitment."
DeleteRapper and filmmaker Crunc Tesla states:
If someone random is talking to me I’ll talk to them for two minutes, and then I want to know if they are sexually attracted to me. If they want to continue to be flirty I prefer they join the club [, and become one of my 250 wifes who offer me sex]. If I’m going to talk to someone for 20 minutes I’d rather talk to one of my wives than a random person. I feel like it’s a waste of time. Once someone affirms they are into my program then it’s all good.
http://www.vice.com/read/the-many-wives-of-crunc-tesla
yaser:
DeleteI am happy to be a woman with choices today. If I make mistakes, then so be it, but at least I had a choice. Freedom counts for a lot in life.
Things are always changing/developing. It will take some time for everyone to try and figure out how to make the right choices for themselves. I can see a lot of confused men & women and I agree that women trying to use sex for gain is sad.
Please try to refrain from using derogatory terms in your comments. It's disrespectful. Also, please try and look at things from women's perspective as well.
Finnish:
DeleteThanks for your reply.
As far as i have understood it, the current marked benefits a few and hurts the rest. Also, it's not a humane system - just look at the birth rate, or rather, the lack of them.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JrebZOJtA7A
Freedom is the power to choose. From what i see, most women are losing the power to choose what they prefer and crave (commitment), and gain things that they do only appreciate(monetary independence and casual sex). That is not a good deal. It's like trading away your kidney to buy a iPad.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2126172/Chinese-boy-sells-kidney-buy-iPad-iPhone.html
A lucky few will be able to manage, but if the system worked, we wouldn't be having this talk. It's not empowering to see your fellow women devalue your assets. It's weakening and humiliating.
What freedom and choices do you have now, that the women in the 1950s didn't have? In what way are you better of than them?
Change is not always development. Ask the Russians and Germans, they know about it. Surely there was misfortune among the previous generations, i don't idolize mankind. But seeing at as system, they had things that worked better than our current system.
We have now experienced both of them, and know what was good about the previous ways, and can make a more informed choice. A women who want to work should be able to do so (and they did in the 1950s), but she needs to understand the effects of her choice and make an informed decision.
Does she really want to spend her prime years starting a carer that will not gain her benefits when it's time to find a husband? Isn't she going to put that career to rest when it's time to start having children? How do men react to her having had multiple previous long term relations, a jaded heart and 10 years less fertile years than a 25 year old? This are important issues that are not in the minds of the present women.
"how to make the right choices for themselves"
The choices need to be taken with consideration to long term consequences and system wide effects. Devaluing what men crave and women have, devaluing the female currency, will not be a successful strategy for women as a group.
What i see in your post is basically "I'm having it good, other women suffer, let them figure it out for themselves. It's not my problem and they will figure it out somehow (or not at all), not that i can be bothered to analyze it."
I used the terms to be clear. Not to be disrespectful.
I used it to show how the male mind looks at the world in it's most reptilian part of his brain, at an instinctual level. No matter how much we are formed by society, men will always be turned on at the sight of vagina and breast. That is human nature. That is the reason we are a successful species.
To much Hollywood, Disney and feminism have deluded women into forgetting this basic facts about how it is to be a man. Straight talk needs to be employed to make it clear again.
There is a reason females are hardwired to feel guilty after having given sex to a man who has not commited. There is a good reason women are hardwired to feel bad about giving sex to uncommited men. The reason is that the entire dynamics of human sexuallity will falter, if enough women do so.
Don't kid yourself. It's Alpha men who benefit from a society filled with sluts. And that's the real reason those men don't condemn it. Women are supposed to condemn it, since it's in their intreset, but thanks to the Rockefellers, ... well, at least you feel empowered.
"please try and look at things from women's perspective as well."
That cuts both ways.
Anyhow, i know I'm not perfect, and open to the possibility of having overdone it. If so, i would appreciate to know exactly what to avoid. I'm to dense to figure out through reading between the lines.
I'm 25 and a woman and couldn't agree more with you on this matter. I've been analyzing this sad state of affairs for years now. I'm a-religious, so my positions have nothing to do with religious views or morals of any kind.
DeleteEveryone is free to do as they please with their bodies, but those who do not feel comfortable with this established system, find a wall and contempt firmly shoved on their faces.
While I don't fail to recognize and 'enjoy' our so called 'victories" in the recognition of our sex in a world "dominated by men", I - as well as MANY OTHERS who have realized the backfiring of our triumphal revolution - am struggling with the negative consequences of this self-destructive and sadly diffused 'pop' interpretation of feminism.
I cannot identify with a movement/ideology that has done more harm than good in the long run, in particular to my generation, and specially if you live in Europe, as I do. I am no feminist.
Finnish:
DeleteWhy dont you acknowledge that part of the problem is female sexuality?
Reply to laser ....... i think the way you speak of women is the most disgusting thing there is ...... why not go the brothel that way the deal will be clear and noone hurt.
DeleteFrankly, i would never want to mix with the kind of man who think that women's place and role is to be submissive and nuturing ..... or they are just sluts looking for a good time .......
It is diffamation and distortion of the reality though in some cases they are just returining to men their own medicine and, in this case, men only deserve it .........
You are just confirming to me what i have always suspected, namely that men are everything but a good investment and that women are better off without them ...
Comment on remark that it is women who toss the marriage away not men. Well the reason is not that they dont value marriage .. the reason is that since they are financially independent they can escape the crap they could not escape before : male infedelity, abuse, dominion, neglec, abuser of all sorts .... The crap has not changed .. the solution has
DeleteFeminism has not done harm to me ... it has allowed me to get a job and secure my financial independence rather than commit to a man who is going to hurt me, abuse me, cheat on me, neglect me and in the end dump me for a much younger person than i ... leaving me alone with financial means to provide for myself or the children i may have had with them (i know counless girls who are in that position) or worse who may have contaminated me with hiv or other diseases because of his infidelity ...
DeleteI am very safe where i am... and i thank feminism everyday for having allowed me to choose that safety, freedom and independence.
As far as the guy with 250 women goes, frankly if you think that every single woman who speaks to a man wants to have sex with a man then you clearly are reducing human interaction between two genders as a sexual one (which shows your true colour) and that if you spend over 20 miniutes discussing with a woman, you'd rather do it with one of your 250 wives, i would only have to reply that the women you have are not better than a herd of goats you can choose from to have your sexual drive satisfied and that i would rather use a sex toy that i can put in my purse, which is clean and safe from all kinds of viruses and unwanted germs, than to date a man like you. Plus they come in all sizes and colours and can be used at my own will and not yours. Of course, i would not resort to such means as i value love between a man and a woman much more highly than you obviously do.
I meant "with no or little financial mean to provide for myself or for the children i may have"
DeleteYou sound very bitter, dear. I'd hate to be the man you end up with, if you ever do.
DeleteI've been married twice, and have had a few ugly relationships (no abuse) but I still love men, and, at 65, continue to enjoy sex and the company of decent men.
I agree with this, and I too think many women must be aware of men's preference for variety.
ReplyDeleteMy main problem is guys wanting to have their cake and eat it too. You're either in a couple or you're single. Perhaps you're in a FWB or open relationship situation, but that must be explicitly agreed upon. The mature thing to do is to talk about it.
There are plenty of guys who want the benefits of monogamous relationships without the commitment. I have experienced this myself - guys who don't give any signals of wanting to make us exclusive, yet don't want me to see other guys. They want the occasional cuddling, they want me to be available, they want to have movie nights together, some even want to be taken care of when ill! I know you'll say that a girl can say not to all of that, but I think a lot of men have grown so accustomed to all-inclusive FWB arrangements and stringing girls along, they think they can get just about anything without having to give up their sexual variety for it. I'm very pro the 'old' boundaries being brought back.
Things are changing fast. Admittedly I don't know what the general consensus is among your younger generation. I can, however, easily guess that the reasons young guys are becoming less and less willing to commit include the following:
ReplyDeleteGrowing up in a feminist society where their face is constantly rubbed in 'grrrrl power'.
Growing up in a society with such incredibly unfair divorce laws favoring women, and watching as one celebrity after another had his wealth confiscated by an unworthy ex-wife.
Growing up seeing the results of feminism and the "woman can do no wrong" attitude, which manifests in young women being absurdly promiscuous and non-committal in their prime years.
Observing well known statistics that show he doesn't even have a 50/50 chance of the marriage surviving ten years, and there will be a 70% chance that his wife initiates the divorce for a frivolous reason such as "I need to find myself".
It all leaves a pretty bad taste in your mouth as a guy. I wouldn't recommend any young man get married in this society until the divorce laws are dramatically changed, and until feminism is widely seen as the failed and patently false ideology it is.
Women can use very good arguments as yours to not want to marry guys like you : their career will provide them with financial indepence and security, they do not have to put their health and very survival at risk with a man who will abuse them, will not provide for them, will cheat on them and dump them at one moment or another, will neglect them and many other reasons to tell you that man are certainly not the best, most reliabe, safe and secure investment for their safety and survival. And feminism came about to counter the bad situation that women had to face precisely because men did abuse them, did not provide for them or their childre, cheated on them, sometimes beated them, abused them and eventually kicked them out without no means to survive.
DeleteAnother thing you're missing, ShortBlonde, is the well-worn saying: Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?
ReplyDeleteWith promiscuity among women just completely off the charts these days, there is absolutely no reason for a guy to get married. He can get all the sex he wants from multiple different women any night of the week. Girls brought this on themselves by insisting they had the right to be sluts without any consequences or judgment.
This sentence is perfection in its hilarious double standard:
Delete"He can get all the sex he wants from multiple different women any night of the week. Girls brought this on themselves by insisting they had the right to be sluts without any consequences or judgment."
... while guys continue to enjoy being the sluts they've always been without any consequences or judgment, such as being called sluts.
I agree with you that girls brought this on themselves. The problem is that a lot of women have very low self image and it shows in relationships. They take every little crumb a guy throws their way. "Better have someone who doesn't treat you right than no one at all." This may sound harsh, but personally I think that's just stupid. Many women I know are like that. It's sad. People around us are like mirrors. If we don't like ourselves others won't either. And if you let others treat you like shi* it's your own fault. Just learn to love yourself first.
Delete"... while guys continue to enjoy being the sluts they've always been"
DeleteA slut is a promiscuous woman, a cad is a promiscuous man. Get the terminology right.
@Anonymous above: Thank you! Glad I'm not the only one that caught that. Misogyny at its deeply-rooted best, eh.
DeleteIgnorance lives.
LMFAO @ The "failed ideology of feminism" comment.. And believe me, IT -- feminism-- is alive and well and it works quite well as Republicans can attest to quite well!
A slut = giving her currency away, without receiving what she really longs for.
DeleteA cad = getting what he really longs for, without paying for it.
Its indeed a double standard, and women better rediscover it fast.
@ diamondeyes: wow you aren't bitter. i am not a "feminist but you my friend are an ass. I don't know what sources you are citing but you need some serious professional help. I don't know what your mother did to you as a child to make you hate women so much but NEWS FLASH, this is the 21st century. You know, where women have the right to vote and all that jazz. You are a misogynist pig and you are making gross generalizations about all women based on some "facts" you pulled out of your ass.
DeleteYou think that men have the right to fuck whom ever they please, when ever they please and women ought to stay pure until some man is done whoring around and is ready for her to cook him dinner every night? And I'm sure everything would be fine if husbands could just beat and rape their wives as they pleased to keep the sluts in line, right? Just like the good 'ol days? You disgust me. You will die alone. Or maybe you will just rot in jail until the end of your sad pathetic days for beating a hooker to death, because lets be honestly thats the only way you are going to get laid.
Anonymous Jun 2013:
DeleteBeing a slut is a choice.
Becoming a stud/cad is not.
To become a stud, cad, man-whore, a man needs to possess good looks, great physique, confidence and charm, a good lifestyle and a lot going for himself. It is not easy to become one. It is not an option that it available to most men.
Any woman can become a slut if she wants to. Nothing is required literally. She can be pathetically mediocre in every aspect and still have sex with good quality men regularly with little effort.
Just keep that nuance in mind when you wonder about the double standard.
I get your point - any woman can be a slut. You just phrased it very badly.
DeleteNobody said it's easy for a man to become attractive to women. But if a man does achieve that, he DOES have a choice between being a cad (a manipulative dog who jumps at anything in a skirt) and dating high quality women. Nobody becomes a cad/manwhore through no 'fault' of their own.
And a cad is not a 'stud'. Look it up.
A man will not be judged as negatively due to a lot of sexual partners. But he will be judged on the quality of them. A cad does not have high quality partners. He's like Roosh - too lazy to improve himself, only praying on the drunk and the unattractive.
Marie
DeleteI see little difference between the man who bangs gorgeous women and the one who bangs obese middle aged farts. Both are handsome, tall, have great bodies, sexual prowess, confidence and charm. Both are attractive desirable men.
It is just an unmistakable and obvious natural tendency of women - when they want 'just sex' they only want genuinely attractive men. Doesnt matter she is the lowest form female life on Earth, has a foot in the grave, is disabled, unhygienic, broke or just pathetic in every way.
As a man, I cant help but admire a man who is able to do that.
To put it differently, a man who can bang unattractive women easily can also bang attractive women with little additional effort, if he wants to. The reverse is also true.
So I dont think this cad / stud distinction is all that important.
Of course there are plenty of men who can't get laid with anyone at all.
DeleteBut I know a lot of guys who can have a shot with a very unattractive or drunk girl, but never a hot one. There is DEFINITELY a distinction.
Look through Vox hierarchy.
This blog confirms it. The post stating the double standard ("Don't Fuck on the First date") even says "Consider for a moment that no one respects a man who always sleeps with women that are way below his standards – everyone considers this repulsive".
Even if he CAN get laid (and is a hero in your personal POV), that is a cad, not a "stud". So your personal opinion is not the rule on this subject, even among men.
Marie:
DeleteIn the strict literal sense there are no men who cant get laid with anyone at all, as you say. Because even a mediocre guy can visit the bar everyday for several weeks and might get get lucky with some drunk or unattractive woman on a rare occasion, after trying really hard.
But I would still describe him as a "guy who cant get laid"
A rare once in a blue moon exceptional incident doesn't mean he can rely on this lifestyle.
Then there are men who regularly get laid with drunk and unattractive girls with little effort. Guys who are frequently approached by fat/obese/middle aged women for sex but not by good looking women. And these men are still attractive, tall and well built. They are still better looking than 75% of all young men. They can easily have a shot at good looking women if they want to. But they find the women they fucking acceptable enough.
I know plenty of good looking men, athlete types and a couple of struggling male models on the local scene, who are very promiscuous and they say that for casual sex good looks in a woman are just a bonus because the average looking woman is good enough for sex. They have that all womens bodies feel good in bed mindset. The difference in pleasure and satisfaction in fucking an ordinary looking woman vs a good looking one is not all that significant, they say. I dont disagree with them at all when I think about it.
New saying that equates the previous one "why buy a cow when you can have the milk for free" :I would invent one to parallel yours "why mix with men and get all kind of troubles and deseases when you can have use a sex toy to get the same thrill (as many times and in many sises as you want)" since obviously a man who asserts that since we can have all the milk for free (namely sex), why bother marry and treat a human being properly, he is reducing man - woman relationship to just getting a sex trim. No wonder women stay away from the kind of man you admit to be
DeleteSo it is just women who are sluts while men like you who has a different girl every night is not a whore himself ?
DeleteThis is becoming so hilarious ....
I am the kind of old women farts you talk about but even if i had to live a thousand years to live i would never spare one minute of my time with a guy like you. From this blog the conclusions i draw is that it is ok for men to bang or f... ck as many as they can (including fat old women fart like i probably am) but feminism, whose definition is truly to escape the kind of situation that your kind of men have made for them, is so wrong .. and of course it would be so greatit that we return to these good old days where men were married to a woman who was truly a servant and slave that took care for free of all the hard work that keeping a house clean, having children and taking care of all this little flock to make sure they had everything : good food, clean clothes, a beautiful house, help for schoold, organiser for sports and other activities entail.. all for free while her husband was outside getting all the banging he wanted unbeknown to his wife and with the added benefit of shouting at his wife when he came home because his dinner was not ready or properly cook .. and to expect from her that she would find it all too normal and she would have not the bad taste to complain for her so great predicament.
DeleteDream on .. we won t let that happen
If you want commitment, marry a good guy who isn't sexy (he will settle with you to get sex). It won't be hot, but he will be a good husband and father.
ReplyDeleteIf you want a sexy guy who is also a good guy to commit, you need to be a very high value women. You aren't if you aren't an alpha female. You will still need to tolerate 1-2 discreet mistresses over his lifetime.
If you want a guy that is sexy and isn't a good guy, be prepared for the carousel and drama.
These are the choices, plain and simple. Most opt for guy 3 in their prime and guy 1 in their late 20s. Depending on their luck, this either works or they end up with cats. Guy two sleeps with 10 times more women then he will commit too, sleeping with him too quickly greatly increases the chance of cats.
I have heard this before, and I even know women who think this way about men.
DeleteI can accept that men want sexual variety and that it takes a lot for them to give that up. But when they give it up, they have to give it up. Number 2 - cheating on a wife is not just disgusting and immoral, it makes a man an unfit father. If you cannot help sleeping around, don't get married, do not have children. I don't care how hot you are.
I'll fall in the category of 'high value' women, but I don't allow myself to be a bitch or a nightmare wife because of it. Everybody (irregardless of appearance) deserves a partner who's loyal to them. If you're bored with your partner and need new stimulation, you break up/divorce. There is no excuse for going behind your partner's back. Biology does not help you. You can choose to be a slave to our biological urges without lying.
Alpha females will often go for number one. But he better be okay with her having a couple of lovers as well. If he plans to have mistresses all along (which I suspect some men do), I call that a pro forma marriage. So it goes both ways.
DeleteAny woman, even mediocre ones can have lovers on the side (much better looking than the husband). Not just the 'alpha females'.
DeleteAll this "side" talk is a great formula for a side of stds...
DeleteI would like to jump in here and say that this is not completely true... There are some men who do in fact have a fear of intimacy/commitment, meaning they have genuine problems committing in a healthy way to women they do care about and have strong feelings for. I don't think they are the majority, and it may not be a problem exclusive to men, but they're out there. I think my brother is one of those men. I have seen him in one relationship with a women who he claimed to love very deeply, and he treated her very badly. Nothing that would constitute abuse, but he could be very unkind and uncaring towards her. I'll spare you the pop-psychology, but I do think some of his behavior comes from being afraid to "let someone in," whatever that means. He may also just be a naturally more selfish person. His gf (a close friend) stayed as long as she did because she loved him blindly and took her own commitments very (too) seriously.
ReplyDeleteI know the point of this post was more to say that women should not feel that they are entitled to a man's commitment and recognize that it's something they have to earn through kindness and attractiveness. However, I also think that it's important to recognize that there are some people out there who are just flighty and problematic. Weeding them out is the same as weeding out a guy who "just isn't that into you," walk away and don't look back...do your best to assess the situation rationally and without emotion clouding your judgement. It may mean admitting some painful truths, but in the long run you'll be saner and happier.
I can agree to that. For sure there are some people who have an overbearing fear of excluding other options and taking the risk of marriage. But (as you admit) it is rare and isn't something exclusive to men.
DeleteThat being said, I would think twice about the "problem" you see in your brother. Maybe you already have and are convinced he really does have a problem. But in most cases, if a guy finds a girl he is wildly attracted to, his "problem" will magically disappear...
Yes, I agree that the right guy will move mountains to be with you. However in the case of my brother his issue is a repeated scenario that I have seen with many different girls. he's also just afraid of committing to decisions in his daily life, he's basically very high strung and neurotic.
DeleteAndrew, I agree with you to some degree. I don't think men have commitment problems as such. I just think it takes them longer to get there, whereas it is foremost in women's minds. It's a question of time. Men simply have more of that than women so they can afford to 'look around' more.
ReplyDelete"Men simply have more of that than women so they can afford to 'look around' more."
Deleteyeah true... good point.
Thats pretty much t in a nutshell. Im a woman and I get this. Why can't more women?
ReplyDeleteBecause you're one of those typical girls that insist they're just one of the guys so they can get more attention from those guys. You feel that if you agree with everything they say then they'll want you more. I've seen it a million times. You're not special. You're an attention seeker, so get over yourself.
Delete@ anonymous above
DeleteAre you saying men have an obligation to commit?
If yes, what is the female equivalent?
A guy I have been dating for the past 2 months recently said he wanted to be exclusive--without me bringing it up. I feel extremely lucky because he is not only attractive, but also honest and hard-working. The problem is, I feel like he is afraid that I am trying to trick him into marriage, because he will randomly say things like, "I may not ever get married." Then he'll turn around and talk about himself in the future, framing it in terms of being married: "When I'm married, whether to you or someone else...etc." I don't know why he might feel this way. I have been super careful to never bring up marriage even in the abstract because I know guys sometimes think girls are trying to trap them into it or something. We're in the very early stages of our relationship, and we don't know each other well enough for either of us to be considering marriage. I keep telling him this and that we should just relax and enjoy what we have. He agrees, but then later he'll bring it up again. I know he's not trying to marry me, we're both young (I'm 23 he's 25). I'm thinking he's worried that if we last long-term, say 2 years, we'll be at ages where there will be pressure (from friends or family) to get married. Or maybe something else is going on that I don't understand. How do I get him to relax and just be fine with what we're doing now? Is the advice you gave in this post all I should do?
ReplyDeleteIf there is something else going on, it isn't something obvious that I can tell you about. Maybe he heard from a friend that you desperately want to get married?? Or maybe his last girlfriend was really serious about marriage. Hard to know. But it sounds like you are doing the right thing - taking it easy, not bringing it up too much. Eventually you will need to (if things work out) - just hope when the time comes he is less freaked out by the whole thing.
DeleteI don't believe men have commitment issues. No such thing. I believe that when a man has come across THE RIGHT GIRL at THE RIGHT TIME, he will think to himself - 'I'd be a fool not to wife her or commit to her'. No one has commitment issues, just secondary/pre-existing issues obstructing commitment e.g career, money, fear of losing one's self/identity & TIMING (The most pivotal commitment factor for men!). When these issues are addressed, commitment will most likely occur. Besides committed or not, most men sleep with 1-5 women per year discreetly whilst in the relationship or marriage. I often doubt that the sexual variety is what keeps them from committing. Also women need to not overestimate themselves, sometimes they simply are not good enough for the guy's MARRIAGE standards, but are good enough for the GIRLFRIEND status. I have heard of guys who were reckless for yonks then suddenly flipped the script when SOME girl came into his life......Improve yourself, improve your caliber and hope that it is the RIGHT TIMING, after all WHAT'S THE RIGHT GIRL IF IT AIN'T THE RIGHT TIME?!.
ReplyDeleteThe opposite is true ... why would any woman marry a man who is unfaithful ....
DeleteI agree that almost all men seek sexual variety. I've excluded very religious men here, as it's a marginal group (and not something I'm looking for).
ReplyDeleteI do however believe that it varies slightly from man to man. A large group of men are like those you describe: they want to be free to sleep around while they're young, as they get older they are willing to commit if they meet the right girl, and give up the option of sexual variety. Some men will never commit, but string women along, leaving them in the 'dating' phase for a long time. Some men do even commit, and are AWARE when committing that they will cheat. They try to leave things in the gray area for a long time, when a girl sets up an ultimatum, they will agree to it if they really like her, but they will remain a hopeless flirt and try their chances when they're on work trips or holidays with friends.
I think there is only so and so much a girl can do to avoid this. I would be placed in the higher end of the scale in terms of attractiveness, I get approached by men a lot and have a lot of filtering to do. I follow a whole set of rules to make sure the guys I date are right; let them initiate contact, don't reply to late texts, don't fuck on the first date etc. Some men do everything right without being the right guy. I've experienced men go to great lengths and be unbelievably persistent to be able to sleep with me (or sleep with me AGAIN) without me feeling like the relationship is going anywhere.
I was wondering if you have some sort of 'tells' when it comes to men whom are helpless flirts, dog, players, whatever... I'm not talking about how he reacts to YOUR actions, such as pushing for sex, I mean are there certain personality traits and 'ways' about him I can look for. Obvious assholes are obvious, but I've come across a few I'm very uncertain about. They show all the boyfriend qualities but I have no idea what he's up to when I'm not around. And I cannot base any conclusions on him friending a pretty girl on facebook.
"I have no idea what he's up to when I'm not around" - that is your number one indicator right there.
DeleteI might know where he is or who he's with, but a guy may seem great and they still cheat, right? They can say they're with parents and be with a girl. I don't look through his phone or try to crack his facebook password. I COULD, he leaves his phone around. Do you think girls should? I don't care how amazing he seems, I trust noone, on principle.
DeleteNo, I don't think you should invade his privacy.
DeleteYes, some guys may seem great at first and then cheat, yes. But very few guys will seem great for a long time and turn out to be cheaters. The charade is not easy to keep going for a long time, and not worth it in most cases either. This is why I suggest not sleeping with guys until getting a commitment from them (unless you just want sex, then do whatever you want).
So hang in there until he asks you to be exclusive, and be comfortable with the fact that he might walk away: if he does, consider yourself lucky to be done with a guy who wasn't interestd. While it might be hard to stomach the fact that he didn't like you, it's better than finding out after starting to build what you thought was a relationship, only to have it torn apart when he tells you he isn't interested in dating seriously.
As long as notable part of the female population whore around with the blessing of the of the females as a whole, those same females are knowing or unknowingly creating a sexual marketplace were biology dictates men to be polygynous.
DeleteFace it girls, you cant praise sluts and then complain about men using them.
And men do not whore around .. because if women do .. they must be doing it with some guys .. it seems logic ...
DeleteSo, if i understand the logic of Anonymous, the fact that women supposedly "whore" around gives men license or to use the word he used dictates men to be polygamous ... therefore someone's virtue is connected to another one's behaviour and not his/her own .
I have never read as much b/s in my whole life ..
do different men have different commitment timelines?
ReplyDeleteDifferent from one another or different from women?
Deletedifferent from one another...
DeleteYes, definitely. A lot depends on how mature the guy is, what his religious or cultural views are, how comfortable he is with promiscous sex, etc. There are many factors that determine when any given guy will be ready to settle down.
Delete"do different men have different commitment timelines?"
DeleteOfcourse. The most common major determinant is a man's attractiveness. Less attractive beta males are commitment oriented right from the beginning of their adulthood (late teens / early 20's). Majority of men fall in this category. They are the guys who will only have 1 or 2 gf's before they get married. They are also the guys who go through long periods of being single and lonely and unable to get dates.
Hot sexy guys dont begin to consider commitment until their late 30's.
Men and women have really differences when it comes to their relationships. Upon reading your post, I've got the chance to determine important points with regards to commitment issues. Thanks for sharing this information.
ReplyDeleteHow To Get A Guy To Commit
How much can you judge a guy by his friends?
ReplyDeleteI realize that your answer might be shaped by your own experience and your own friends, but perhaps you see a pattern for other guys as well.
As a girl who's in my early twenties and looking for something serious, I do of course have more promiscuous friends, but I've made the conscious choice of spending less time with them. I go out with girls I know aren't slutty (I know you said 'attracting the wrong kind of attention' is often a misunderstanding, but whores attract cads, simple as that).
It also make sense to have friends of a similar mindset to yours. Most people have a variety of friends, but the closest ones shouldn't be too different as your lifestyles simply wouldn't be compatible.
I often check out a guy's friends to see if they are married, dating or sleeping around. I'm seeing a guy now and many of his friends have girlfriends but some close friends also give off a 'player' vibe. I'm looking to find out who he goes on holiday with, because if those are the players, I sense they go looking for trouble.
How much should a woman read into a man's choice of friends?
It is definitely something worth looking at. But as you suggest, it isn't a definite indicator of a guy's morals either. I have friends that I like inspite of the fact that I think they treat women like shit, or have low standards for the women they sleep with. But they are interesting, or generous, or fun guys to go out with. On the other hand, I rarely hang out with guys who have COMPLETELY different views than my own.
DeleteI think the best thing to do is to use a guy's friends to get a general first impression, but to ultimately make judgements based on his actions, not his friends'.
So basically: a guy likes you enough to pursue a relationship with you straight away or it's a no and you move on?
ReplyDeleteI think it's a great general rule: if you want a relationship and he doesn't try to make it happen, you cut contact and move on.
But say you've dated someone, he doesn't try to make it official, you think to yourself this won't happen, you cut him out and move on. After a few years or so, you meet again and he appears interested. The reason being he has matured, you have matured, he is in a place where he'd like commitment (some guys do on principle not want relationships in their early twenties). Whatever. Is it ever possible to rekindle something or should a girl think "you didn't go for it then, now it's too late", always?
I'm asking this as hypothetical question. Thing is I have previously dated guys slightly below my league and I don't always encourage commitment, I wait for them to do so, and in the past guys have doubted my interest in them. I'm not trying to get back with a guy, but I want to know if it is possible - at his request, not mine.
Yeah I definitely think it is possible, though I think you are smart let him re-initate, as you say. But time changes people, sometimes a lot, to the point that after a few years of growing up, you could essentially be dating (or considering dating) a different person.
DeleteHow much of this is also influenced by age and station in life? I dated a guy freshman year in college long distance and he was same age. We were virgins and tried to have sex but he couldn't perform due to fear and what he claimed at the time was religious guilt. We broke up but kept in light contact.. Fast forward. He has just finished undergrad. He is 23 and apparently had a lot of hookups and casual sex his senior final year. He is moving here to start a professional job. I am finishing undergrad. He is sending me vibes and indications he might want to see me again romantically. His reputation at his college was one of being a "master player". I am 22. I am not a casual sex gal.
ReplyDeleteShould I consider dating him again? I am interested in a real relationship with him but now fear that the casual sex and hookup fuse is burning brightly at his age and I don't want to get involved with a player. I question his ability to commit after spending his senior year screwing a lot of women. Do guys need to be working for a while and get their fill of screwing around before they are ready to commit? Or should I give him a chance? I am really not talking marriage at this point. Andrew what's your reading of guys at this station in life under these circumstances? I don't want to get hurt or overly invested.
I'd be extremely careful with him, because he probably does need to let that fuse burn to the end before he will be willing to settle down.
DeleteMore importantly, why did you break up? Who broke up with whom? Shoot me an e-mail if you want to continue the conversation.
In this sort of situation, I wouldn't go there. The guy got over his initial fear in general, that much is obvious. I would be very cynical about this, and err on the situation that, perhaps now he's had sex with plenty of other women, he wants to come back to finish where he left off - to perhaps prove to himself that he can have sex with you.
DeleteThen again this assumption might be completely wrong, he might have liked you all along, and wants more than sex. But I wouldn't go ahead with him with this latter assumption, or you could find yourself getting really emotionally hurt and read things into his actions that give the wrong impression.
If you do want to keep contact or meet up, let him do most of the chasing, and give it a lot of time before allowing him to be physical with you. The more time you have, the more you will be able to tell what his genuine intentions are. There's no guarentees but I think that's the best way forward.
23 and female btw
I've been seeing a guy who's appeared smitten with me. Unfortunately I haven't seen him in a few weeks (distance, my fault not his). We have not agreed to be exclusive, it's still just dating.
ReplyDeleteToday he updated his facebook status to "NYC". It's not weird for him to go, he's got family there. However - quite a bit of people "liked" the status and one guy commented "love is in the air :) :)". That can to me only be interpreted one way - he's meeting a love interest in NY.
I'm a bit upset about it. What do you suggest is an appropriate response when we speak again? I feel like if I mention it, I will look obsessive. Am I supposed to just act a bit cold or is the comment such a strong sign I should give him up altogether?
All it really suggests (not even means, necessarily) is that he is going to NYC to meet someone he likes. You don't know that this girl reciprocates his feelings. She may very well not. And his friend may just be teasing him about something else.
DeleteBut let's assume he is going to see a girl he really likes AND she reciprocates his feelings. Next time you see him you should make hanging out with him a priority. He will almost definitely accept, unless it is "official" with this new girl by then. At that point you will have the chance to demonstrate your interest more so than you have in the past. If he doesn't decide to jump ship for you at that point, it's just tough luck - you missed your chance. But being cold to him now isn't going to accomplish anything.
As I have been having schoolwork I have had quite a bit of time to go on facebook - I often talk to him on the chat function too - so he knows I notice facebook updates. Once in the past he made an update which was clearly meant to make a point towards me (we'd had a misunderstanding/disagreement).
DeleteAnother friend has posted (under the previous comment) "A guy knows his priority". And here's another thing: these guys are not English and do usually not speak/write English to each other. I slightly feel this as directed towards me. Am I crazy?
Maybe a little ;)
DeleteNo but I see your point, and it is possible I guess - but it doesn't really change how you should approach the situation. My advice is the same as above.
At the "next time you see him.." - Last I spoke to him was a few days ago. I'm going on holiday for a little over a week. If he doesn't contact me after that, should I contact him? I've noticed he's been colder recently, I honestly didn't know guys took it as such a rejection for me not to see him. Honestly, I live 2 hours away and I've been busy, but it's clear that he's more distant now (although he still asked to see me asap last time we talked).
ReplyDeleteDid you see him when he asked you to hang out ASAP? Sounds like you didn't, so I am assuming you had something stopping you from being able to. Here is the thing: if you like a guy and he asks you out and you want to go but really can't, you need to stress the fact that you really want to go to him so that he knows you aren't just making an excuse. This usually means asking for a "rain check" and rescheduling. If he likes you he will go for it immediately.
DeleteI say give it one more try with him: stay in contact while you are away if you can via text, email, whatever. Then when you get back, initiate and follow my advice above. If at that point you can't work something out, write him off - at that point it will be obvious that he is avoiding you not because he thinks you rejected him (which you will make clear by making the effort to hang out) but because he isn't interested anymore.
No, I didn't see him, I haven't seen him in weeks.
DeleteWe had a few convos where he asked to see me and I said I was busy again. It was about 3 or 4 times total he initiated. After that, I initiated, and he didn't get back to me on the text. I had the feeling he was angry and I basically sent a fb message at 1am and said that if he didn't want to see me anymore, he could just say so (a bit of an overreaction, I know). He got back to me next morning, said he just got back from holiday. He asked if I was coming to his place, said that I had promised before (I think I did promise that, but he also said earlier he had plans to come to my town but haven't said more, maybe he was waiting for an invite). He then asked me about particular dates, which day is your exam, which day are you leaving for holiday, kind of like he wanted to get me stuck. I told him they were the days after each other (no gap). He asked why I didn't go to his place on holiday instead, I said I was going on holiday with family (they have booked, I can't just leave). And that was the end of the conversation, until I sent him a message with a suggestion for a date right now, which he hasn't seen yet (I can see on fb it hasn't been read).
He has been colder, he's usually much more "sweety" and "darling". But I gave him a chance to say so if he didn't want to see me anymore. Is it possible he doesn't because he doesn't want to hurt me? But then he wouldn't still be initiating to meet I suppose? I'm a bit confused. If he doesn't pick up the sweet tone we've had before, I want to confront him, because I don't want him to come and see me if it's with half-assed enthusiasm.
Sounds to me like he's making repeated efforts to see you, you are always busy, but you aren't making it clear to him that you really want to see him in spite of the schedule conflicts. Make sure he knows this.
DeleteI have sent him a Facebook message this morning, asking him to call me if he has decided he wants to see me next week, in my hometown or his. He has been so affectionate for so long but I really don't know, can men go from infatuated to indifferent in 3 days? If I don't hear from him then, delete him off all channels?
DeleteIf you don't hear from him, yeah, cut him off. Can a guy go from infatuation to indifference in 3 days? No. Neither can a girl. Either he faked one or the other really well, or you severly misinterpreted one of the two. But having another girl in the picture could definitely help him swing his affections.
DeleteI cut him off after about one day, but then I heard from him. He still asks me where I am and so on. In general though - should girls be concerned when guys seem calm or rational when they should know we are upset? Could be there is a difference from writing/texting to real life? I have been upset with him a few times and can be a bit over-emotional. Do guys sometimes assume we are irrational and that 'it will pass'? I think he should be more upset and reassuring!
DeleteAll of that just means he doesn't like you enough. Cut him off, tell him to stop contacting you and get over it.
DeleteI have to be honest, I really don't know what's up. He was so unbelievably "on" me and nothing has changed other than me being unavailable the past month. If he's over me, I need to know as it'd help me get closure. But I have a feeling if I confront him, he'll just say he still wants to see me. How do I get to the bottom. Seriously, I just want him to bluntly tell me, say it if he's with someone else or whatever.
DeleteSay exactly what you just said in your comment to him, in an e-mail maybe. If you word it like that, and especially if you put it in writing so he has time to think about it first (i.e. he isn't put on the spot), I bet he'll answer.
DeleteI've had a lot of problems with men in the past...Its just sort of dawned on me where I may have been going wrong. Are some of these habits really giving off the wrong idea to men, actually most of this is done quite innocently :o/. Responding to sexual texts from men, initiating contact any time of day but mainly at bedtime 11-1am...im not a good sleeper and I know they will have time to reply, falling into the trap of allowing people i'm dating to come back to mine for a cup of tea and then finding myself sort of in a situation where its really awkward and they won't leave..i usually end up getting intimate. What else... never calling them as im quite shy...im a big texter... Usually i get loads of casual sex offers from exs with partners, married men, boys that I would like to date but have commitment issues???!! Im a musician and have had a lot of scenarios where I have been in situations with men alone and they get very inappropriate and will make moves. It really effects my career in a way. Im quite shy and I supposed a bit innocent...very conservative upbringing, sisters, hardly any young men in my life to learn from. Let me know your 2 cents :)
ReplyDeleteI often find it difficult to know just how much effort it is reasonable for a guy to make.. Let's say I'm dating someone, and we've had a few disagreements. Sometimes I think he's in the wrong, and sometimes I see in retrospective that I was in the wrong.
ReplyDeleteIn the past I've become upset with a guy I was seeing and cut him off. He'd then contact me anyway, trying to get me back with me. That can happen once, but usually not several times (reasonably enough..).
I had this situation with a guy where I was upset by his lack of response and cut him off (for the second time). Every time we'd had a fight, even though I was the one to overreact, he's usually apologized anyway and done his best to calm me down. But this final time, he did not get back to me. I read it as a lack of interest on his part, but I'm not sure how much effort he makes with other girls.
I'm not a romantic comedy-addict, but I'm obviously influenced by it and how guys "fight for" women there. I try to be realistic, but then again, I know that men fall in love in real life too. A guy I was dating told me about a friend of his whose gf had broken up with him and that he was working hard to win her back. I was a bit jealous (with this woman I'd never met) who's ex was "fighting for her".
Perhaps certain men have personalities which make them more likely to take the chase further? Just how much can we women expect a man to fight for us? I'm talking about a man seeing our arguments or women's silent treatment as a challenge, and not the end. (Given a situation where the woman is attractive and that he's already proven interest in her).
Most men aren't going to see your arguments or silent treatment as a challenge. I'd go so far as to say virtually all men will NOT see this as a challenge. Men don't think like that. Your ex probably got fed up with you testing him to see how many times he'd "fight for you," and then he finally stopped. I am surprised he lasted that long. It sounds like you want a guy to do all the work - to be in the right AND still apologize, AND try to get you back even when you are essentially faking your anger. And then you expect him to do this repeatedly. Good luck with that...
DeleteDon't get me wrong, if I accused him of something he wasn't guilty of, I'll apologize. I've never gone angry with him for something unreasonable, although I've seen later that it was a misunderstanding. What I mean is that sometimes you might have done or said something that has made your girl upset - you don't think it should be a deal-breaker but you realize why it bothers her (like for instance taking a very long time to get back to her). These are scenarios where girls doubt your affection, even if they might be overreacting a little. How much effort would you make to smooth things over?
DeleteDepends how much I care about the relationship.
DeleteA religious and conservative man could fall really hard for the first women that gets to his heart.
DeleteREALLY hard.
Not that it's appreciated this days.
HUS posted a survey which says that 42% of men (18-35), have or would tell a woman that they love her to be able to sleep with her. I'm assuming the same men would say any other equivalent - that they want to be her boyfriend, are serious about her, are not going to see other women etc.
ReplyDeleteYou've mentioned that actions speak louder than words, and I think in conclusion, most women can ignore men's words altogether.
What other practical things should women have on their "checklist" before sleeping with a man? I've had a man introduce me to friends, plan holidays with me, initiate contact constantly, and I see in retrospective these things don't matter either. A lot of men can give Oscar-worthy performances when it comes to feelings, so I don't want to look for "emotional intimacy".
Are there any other specific things I can list to go through next time? Like wait until I'm introduced to his parents before sleeping with him? I'm not religious and don't really date religious guys, but is this reasonable?
No sign is going to be infallible. However, I think one of the best is to wait until he has told you (and ironically this is the one time where his words are the only indication you really have, and so should be followed) that he wants to be exclusive and you've agreed. In other words, wait until he is your boyfriend.
Delete(Some people would say wait until marriage, and I am not going to disagree with that completely, but I will say that given the modern cultural norms, you will probably only get a small fraction of men willing to wait that long. It's up to you to decide if it's worth picking a man from a pool that small.)
I disagree when you say there is no world view..many people in the world are christian or jewish and about 1/4 people in the world are muslim, and even though many christians today have no problem with pre marital relations, it is considered to be one of the greatest sin if not the greatest sin in islam and christianity and majority of muslim men and women in the world get engaged by 21 years old because of the shame involved in this act. My point being, there are very strong world views regarding men supressing this desire.
ReplyDeleteRight, which is why I pointed that out in parenthesis in the next sentence. But I also pointed out that religious people are fighting a losing battle in trying to get their men to stay celibate before marriage. Remember that this blog is about the United States, where there is not a national religious culture (in some states there is more than others, but by and large there is not) to support men who try to suppress the urges they feel naturally. I went to an extremely orthodox catholic high school and I can count on one hand the number of guys in my graduating class that stayed virgins until marriage.
DeleteNot to mention that the states in the USA that DO have strong religious cultures are predominantly evangelical Christians, who place less emphasis on sexual morality than, say, orthodox Catholics or Muslims.
Delete"... if not the greatest sin in islam ..."
DeleteAbsolutely not.
http://suite101.com/article/major-and-minor-sins-in-islam-a99331
Do you care at all if she went to university, which school she went to, her grades etc? Since you say you're a strong disbeliever in laziness, bad grades could be an indicator of that :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that academic success doesn't seem to interest men, but if I say I do evening courses in art, it seems to interest them. I assume men want women who have interests or goals in life, even if they are small?
I think you are right that a demonstration of laziness is not good, but I don't care what university she went to, no. Having interests and being interested in the world around you is something that men will value, which is why your art courses are interesting to a guy. Men definitely want a woman who does more than sit around all day, but the point I've made in other posts is that we aren't aroused by your diploma.
DeleteFirstly, let me give kudos by stating my sincere appreciation for the blog and effort that clearly goes into maintaining it. Lots of thoughtful and entertaining posts! I do notice, though, that the theme is sort of a didactic sermon directed at women and I think you may preaching to the deaf. Note the responses to this particular post from the fairer sex: not one seems to agree with your points (and you clearly make some good ones), while they are too busy defending theirs. This battle will sadly rage on long into the future, I fear. I believe that the best that we, American men, can do is to educate each other. To try and educate American women in how they can behave better is an exercise in futility. They are too bloated with pride. Why don't we take some hints from their team and organize ourselves better, unionize? Focus on building wealth and value and set our sights overseas if we must marry and build families (but don't bring them here!). Never mind this American cow and her spoiled milk.
ReplyDeleteI've never said "I love you". Not to anyone. I'm 22, I believe I've been in love, but I've never said it.
ReplyDeleteI mentioned it to a friend and she couldn't believe it (we're both European, but from different backgrounds).
I've been hurt before, so I'm never going to say it before a guy does.
What do you think - is it reasonable to wait for a guy to say it first?
It can happen but I suspect that the kind of guy that will volunteer it first will not be a guy that attracts you much. There is a post on HookingUpSmart.com suggesting that a man should escalate sexual intimacy in a relationship while a woman should escalate emotional intimacy. This means saying I love you first.
DeleteThat being said, I think you are wise to wait until you have strong signs of his affection before you say it. But being cautious doesn't mean you have to wait for his emotional initiaitve. The guys you want it from most probably won't give it.
Really? I'm a woman and I've never said "I love you" first. Three guys have said it to me, and I reciprocated. One of them I didn't really love but I felt obligated to say it back... the other two I loved.. but maybe not at the moment that we said it... it was too early in the relationship.. I 'd say we were "in love/lust" but not like.. really in love.
DeleteI don't have reservations about telling a guy how much I care about him... but I am kind of afraid of the L word. First of all... I don't know what it REALLY means, I find other words to be more expressive. If I did ever say it, I would have to be 100% sure that the guy felt the same way. .. and since that is impossible, I guess I will never say it first!
Anyway... guys I've been with didn't seem to have any trouble saying it..
Hi, I would like to share some thoughts about saying "I love You" and touch upon briefly some other helpful insights:
ReplyDeleteMy life experiences have shown that it is very important when attractions: emotional - physical - spiritual connections are at their deepest level especially, when one is compelled to say the words - I Love You... Sometimes, these words may occur without one anticipating saying them - that's when spiritual love has taken control over pride. A person will know longer think with the mind but with the heart - actions become sincere and true and effortless.
True love exists - (look at 911 Tragedy) many people died willingly for their neighbor -- when one personally chooses to give their life up for someone else to live that is hardcore - TRUE LOVE. This type of love can happen with a neighbor - mate - family - brother - sister - boyfriend/girlfriend etc....
Too many relationships today think their in love when they move in with each other and have sex,and eat and sleep with each other and go to work in the morning. Of course, they are not married.
Don't be fooled by societal exceptions to proper order for happiness -- relationships build on a stable foundation that begins correctly. If it begins wrong chances are it will remain wrong.... Sound relationships are indication of a (Good fruit) and will only come through honesty, unselfish acts, proper order of dating/courting, and helping each other succeed towards a family life with children in a marriage with supporting friends and family, etc.....
I believe there are a lot men and women who don't understand this - a soul mate is not just a pick-up in the bar one afternoon/evening. It's destiny planned well before the man or woman is born - but in this life-time they meet and so on and so forth...the destiny connection is made and it is good from the beginning and remains good even when trials and tribulations and death occur. Why, because true LOVE conquers all hate and deceit and remains constance.
Andrew is correct - men do not have a problem committing - they have a silent list of what they are looking for in a woman whom they want to marry. Indeed there are many objectives that must be met at the highest level for a particular woman to be chosen as a man's final selection as a mate to birth his offspring. A man with high values, physical attributes, and life of experiences wants the best choice possible on Earth - Why not! Especially, since they only live once in this lifetime. On the other hand -- WOMEN LOOK FOR NO LESS - they deserve the best mate, possible that exists on Earth.
Men and women who by personal choice go through several partners and one-nighters seriously, hurt themselves and their psyche and soul and it puts them quietly in shame of interior confusion every time they meet someone new. Its a circle of great depression with no end in sight...maddening process - stay away from this....cycle.
What's the antidote - be prudent - wise - guard your loins and ask for the Higher Powers (Divine)to bring the mate to your life chosen especially for you and wait for it....give to no one your choicest possession (fidelity) until the true one stands before you --- In the mean-time hope and remain patient working on correcting personal faults and improving physical appearance as best as possible. Beauty comes from within and personality matters too. Self-knowledge - selfworth - good morals and values -- and ability to get back-up when knocked down learning from past mistakes and forgiving others not judging along the way will bring change of good and answers to sincere prayers. Hope this Helps!!! CIAO
If you don't want to commit, that's your prerogative, just don't give false signals that you do (like saying "I love you," for example). Women don't mind a guy who wants to play the field, what we don't like is when they give signals they want to be in a serious relationship and then don't really.
ReplyDeleteYes - this is the thing. A man doesn't have a problem if he's simply just looking to sleep around. But he DOES have a problem if he wants all the benefits of commitment without offering it.
DeleteI know what Andrew's response to this would be - that if you give him those benefits without commitment, that's your fault - because whatever goes wrong between a man and woman is essentially a woman's fault, always.
All men want sex, some men want commitment too. But most men I've encountered wants some of the benefits from a monogamous relationship - not just sex, but a woman who is affectionate, scratches his back and plays with his hair, makes him coffee in the morning, isn't seeing other guys, is touchy-feely and cuddly. A woman will start doing these things to emotionally escalate - she is showing what kind of girlfriend she is and what it is like to be with her. If she doesn't, she won't catch a man looking for commitment at all. She HAS to give to get something back. There are a lot of men out there whom are enjoying these benefits and knows they are given in the hope of commitment, and are willingly taking them even though they are not planning to give anything in return.
If you want a woman who's more conservative than the average woman (which this blog encourages women to be), she will have a sense of moral. No man without morals (which is disturbingly many) deserve a woman with morals. And yes - not bothering texting a woman to break up with her, is immoral.
Lying by omission is lying. If you are withholding information to get what you want, you've crossed a boundary. I cannot stand the entire "men will be men" attitude. If you expect to be admired as a husband, respected as a father and acknowledged in your workplace, you can't shrug and say "men will be men" every time you fuck up. I do think this blog makes too many excuses for men. Either you're a man or a dog - you can't both be respected and try to take the easy route every time.
so true, if a guy was just honest about his intentions from the get go..just came out and told me he finds me attractive, but doesn't see a relationship developing, for whatever reason, then he is giving me a chance to make a decision armed with all the facts. And you know what? If I am attracted to him, and he told me this honestly, I may still decide to sleep with him, and would be able to spare hurt feelings or added drama, because I would go into it fully aware that it was not going to be a relationship. A man who is honest about his intentions wins my respect. I have NO problem with a guy who just wants to sleep around, what bothers me is when he is dishonest about his intentions in order to get sex.
DeleteI think it's important to stop playing the victim role here...it's not men will be men. It's people will be people. If YOU want to know what a man's intentions are, ask him. You don't have to ask him in a confrontational manner. Just ask him casually upfront what he's looking for. That is kind of the only telling thing. I do believe most men are honest WHEN ASKED. Some men will voluntarily tell you through cues that they're not ready for or looking for a relationship, but a lot of women will not pick up on it due to their own delusions. YES it's your responsibility. This is what taking care of yourself is. These are questions YOU should ask. Also, when it comes to men just disappearing...ending things with someone--that kind of confrontation induces high levels of stress in a person, so it's either fight or flight, and the easiest recourse seems to be flight. Hell, I am a woman, and I do it ALL OF THE TIME. Every week there is some guy I end up just not responding to anymore... I owe them nothing, unless it was a serious and committed relationship, or some kind of serious dating that was involved. Grow up people! The sooner you get out of this victim mentality, the sooner you will be able to maneuver through life more competently, and just weed out the assholes who have no intentions for having anything serious with you.
DeleteHere is another thing...I think that men are going to see you as sexual objects unless you move them to feel/think otherwise. It is kind of the woman's role to guide in terms of the emotional connection. If a man is disappearing, and not giving you the decency of a real break up, that speaks volumes about his emotional connection with you, or lack thereof. You're better off without him then. Also, do not give everything to a man without him needing to invest in you first. It makes you less valuable to him. If you feel you need to compensate extra in order to keep his attention, I assure you, you are going about it wrong.
DeleteIt is not about playing the "victim", you've misunderstood completely, it's about recognizing that everyone is responsible for their behavior. And this blog, like many others, have a "men are assholes, deal with it" attitude. Whereas women are always expected to be moral. Shitty behavior is moreover "expected" of men, whereas women are the world's biggest bitches if they (for example) don't give a man a decent break up.
DeleteMen and women want different things. It is more common for men to string women along than the other way around because men want casual sex more than women do. As simple as that. It doesn't make it okay, it just makes it less likely for women to "string men along".
As long as a man is sexually interested in you, he will see you sexually. He might see you as more than that, but he will always see you sexually, as long as you remain attractive. You cannot "move" them to think otherwise and it is naive to think so.
I don't agree that all of this can be solved with a conversation. Even this blog, which you're evidently reading, would encourage you not to trust a man's words. Only his actions. That's exactly the point - a lot of men are willing to say anything to lie his way into your pants. Especially attractive women struggle with men going out of their way, even for a long time, just to secure sex with a woman who's an 8+.
I only say these things because I do feel that this mindset is victim-oriented. You're blaming everyone else, when you say everyone should be responsible. Taking a victim approach by putting so much power into men's hands is not going to help you. It just comes off as whiny. The reality is that we don't live in a world, currently where everyone behaves in the best fashion to your utmost standards. Bitching about it, is that going to change that? The only power you have is the power over yourself. And yes, discerning between a guy who wants to just sleep with you, and one who's looking for something more serious isn't always easy. But I do believe a lot can be revealed in ONE CONVERSATION. I think too many women don't ask. They do not have the guts to ask what a guy's intentions are from the beginning. And that is only their own fault. And yes, they have to keep their wits about them. That is where you find your power again in the situation, instead of blaming men.
DeleteAnd "move" them to think otherwise no. But move them to feel more by building an emotional connection, yes I do think that's quite the case. With every guy you meet? No. But men are certainly not going to move the relationship along emotionally. It's up to the women to ideally not have sex with the man, and have the man get to know her better, and maybe develop an emotional bond with her before having sex.
Also, from my own experience men can get strung along as well. Maybe not in the same way. But I know plenty of men who get strung along for their resources, for example. Strung along for a very long time because they give women things, or even just attention. When you put all of the blame on men, you are not taking responsibility for your own power in the situation, and are playing victim.
I didn't bother reading all of this to be honest.
DeleteI don't blame "everyone else", I blame the man WHEN he has given the woman a wrong idea. Of course in plenty of situations the woman has done something wrong too. But I was responding to a comment particularly on men who lead women on - in situations in which there is a clear sinner.
I wasn't giving advice on how a woman should handle the situation. Any reasonable woman would try to take control, not spending excessive time in a relationship that isn't going anywhere, question the man's intentions etc. I consider that given. It only comes across as "whiny" because you assume I don't do anything about it when I encounter a bad man - which is just an assumption on your part, along with many others.
Again - I wasn't giving advice to women here, nor giving any indication of how I behave in a relationship. I think it's reasonable to point out someone's bad morals even if I have no guarantee that they'll do something about it. In today's society, it's every man (or woman) to themselves, but I still believe in having demands for moral behavior. Expect moral behavior, but be prepared for immoral behavior.
Andrew, in an above reply, you mention pulls to getting married as being steady sex, children, and companionship. Notably absent is love of an individual. Like that person is special to you and you want to share your life with them... Is this unimportant to you, or, more importantly, men, in your experience?
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't say it is unimportant to me, but it is less of a consideration right now than securing good sex. Maybe this is immature, but it is how I think, and I think many men my age - and certainly younger ones - think this way.
DeleteI sent you a reply...see below
DeleteLove is not a male priority.
DeleteThe biological role of love is to secure commitment from the male after impregnation.
Think of Love as a grappling hook. Females shoot them in order to rein men in.
Males have love-receptors, and find it enjoyable to be pulled by love, but they do not seek it.
Why would they seek it?
Remember that biologically, men do not loose anything if they abandon an impregnated female, sometimes they do so without realizing it. However, it costs a whole lot for a man to commit resources to a female.
What can possibly convince a man to such a losing proposition?
Love can. But too seek it?
That would be like a female searching for orgasms.
Orgasms is actually the female equivalent for male love.
The female does not need orgasms, but they feel good. It's a reward for them, for engaging i a costly endeavor: sex.
Sex is the costly endeavor for females, in the same way as commitment is for males.
It's a good idea to induce orgasms in a female. That would help her over-win her natural shyness regarding sex.
Now that i think about it, in the same way a man is repelled by a slut, a female is repelled by a love-seeking male.
Don't believe me? Try it!
Go find yourself a overly romantic man, a man who will fight to stay in love. You will get so bored, so fast, and dump his beta ass.
"Now that i think about it, in the same way a man is repelled by a slut, a female is repelled by a love-seeking male."
DeleteThis point was made very well recently in a post on hooking up smart. (#1 on the list in the post)
"Women understand the male role as the gatekeeper of commitment, just as we are the gatekeepers of sex."
DeleteAwesome!
Or as i read at CH, a man should be as shy with commitment as a women is shy with sex.
DeleteHello Andrew, I've read some of your posts, and I think you give great insight on men. Let me say I am an Alpha female, which makes me a strong woman; However, I know my flaws as a woman too. I was married at the age of 20 and by 26(I am 32 now), I was divorced. I have two wonderful boys out of it, however, I felt I was being held back from becoming financially stable and giving my children possibilities in life. He was extremely demanding, lazy, and controlling. I learned from it and was able to see my mistakes I made in the relationship (since my divorce, I have dated one other person which did not work out). I am seeing a great guy, but at some point I did say he had commitment issues. I spoke to him about it and he reassured me, that was not the case. However, it’s been three years and I asked him do you ever want to get married? He responded with yes. I realized than that I didn’t love myself which is really odd taken the fact that I am a very in your face parent and I loooove my boys. I needed to love myself before being able to love a man, especially, a man like the one I have the honor of calling my mine. Don’t get me wrong he did state he had a problem of feeling of belonging anywhere but I respect his time to fix himself as I have done the same for me. We understand what we both need help as individuals. I’m younger than he is and he talks about having children one day, he compliment’s me, about how wonderful a mother I am and how proud he is of me for pushing myself to give my boys stability (in every aspect). Sometimes we (women) need to be more patient, however, if the other (be it a man or woman) is not showing any signs of furthering the relationship, than its time to call it quits. Many little girls lack a father (or have fathers in the same home but are absent) as they become women, which leads to the women longing and searching for a man to love them (that’s my opinion and I’ve lived it personally).
ReplyDeleteTo also add to my above response, I do agree with you Andrew, in reference to your 3 reasons to stay with a partner/settling down.
DeleteAre all men of the opinion that you're a free agent until you've officially agreed to be exclusive? Because I have heard some say they "assume exclusivity".
ReplyDeleteIf I start dating a guy, I usually don't have interest in meeting others, but I know that (hypothetically) if he kissed another girl before we agreed to be exclusive, I couldn't beat him up about it.
I have been dating a guy and about a week ago I was out with friends and a guy I know (previous colleague of the guy I'm dating) shared a taxi with me and kissed me on the way back (no tongue, he twisted my head when I tried to hug him). The guy I'm dating has ignored me since. I am curious if he's heard something.
It was involuntary from my side, but even if it wasn't, I don't think he has a right to be angry?
"right to be angry"
DeleteOf course he has. He has a right to do anything, unless he enters an agreement.
If it wasn't a coincidence, and he did actually hear about it and abandoned you, it's because he was considering you for a LTR.
You need to know that men are much more sensitive to female promiscuity, than females are about male promiscuity.
The reason is that males can not check their paternity, while females can be totally certain that they are the mother of their children.
For a female, the result of his man being with another woman can be:
a) nothing, the other female did not get pregnant
b) nothing, the other female got pregnant, but the man will not support the woman
c) partial loss of the mans resources.
d) she gets abandoned.
Even in the worst scenario, she did get to have her own kids.
For a man, the results can be:
a) nothing, she did not get pregnant
b) she got pregnant, and the male is at risk to mistake it as his own children
This can easily turn into a situation were a mans two supposed children are in fact bastards.
Men are primed to be extremely repelled by promiscuity while searching for a wife, to a lesser degree if they do not intend to commit.
Men who are not primed so are at risk of not propagating their genes.
Keep in mind that the females are repelled from promiscuous guys for other reason than men are repelled by promiscuous women.
Females want to feel "special", and if she is choice #47, then that feeling is at risk.
Men want to be sure about paternity. The slightest hint or doubt is immensely off-turning.
in fact, men rather be violently butt-raped than cuckolded:
Deletehttp://heartiste.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/cuckoldry-vs-butt-rape/
Keep that in mind.
In a mans mind, if he even suspects you of being promiscuous, is the equivalent of you suspecting your date to be a violent rapist.
It's that of-turning, in an evaluation for being LTR material.
A but violent rape doesn't doesn't necessarily cost a man that much.
A violent rape costs the female the choice of whom to be impregnated by. She will probably also loose commitment.
Promiscuity is already explained above.
it is the women that can't seem to commit to us men anymore, and have a need to date as many men as they possibly can. it is like they are having a contest with their girlfriends, to see how many men they can go to bed with at one time. i a having a very hard time myself meeting a decent woman today, especially after a divorce. i am a straight man that had been married at one time, and i was a very caring and loving husband that never mistreated her. i was very committed to her as well, but she was the one that cheated on me. and the women today have such a very bad attitude, and are so very nasty to start a conversation with. where are the good women like we had years ago.
ReplyDeleteThey're all younger than you. The girls that are looking for a nice guy to date and fall in love with are there, they're just younger than you and not bitter enough yet to become the women you describe.
Deletei just happen to meet the very low life loser ones anyway, instead of a real decent one.
Delete
ReplyDeleteI was heartbroken that my wife moved in with another man so I had a spell to bring her back home and stop the affair she had with him. In just 4 days she left him and went to live at the motel. She called to say so and get news of the kids. The discussion was pleasant, as if she was changing to become the woman I knew when we got married. It was exactly as you said…. Now she’s back home and is absolutely crazy about me. I am so thrilled by this spell that I cant find the right words to say how I feel right now. All I can decently say is that you changed my life and saved the most important thing in my life: my family, way to contact my savior is winexbackspell@gmail.com
the way i look at it, there are just too many low life loser women now than ever before adding to the problem. the average woman today need at least seven different boyfriends, one for each day of the week. very sad.
ReplyDelete"Claiming that men have commitment problems is similar to men claiming that women are whores because they like a guy that is more successful or confident."
ReplyDeleteActually, it would be like saying "that woman has clear problems with engaging in one night stands" or "that woman needs to fix her problems about not agreeing to a threesome"
In my example, what the vocal party prefer is assumed in both cases, and what is assumed is costly/unpreferred for the accused party.
@ DiamondEyesApril
ReplyDelete"...if you don't make good wife or mother material, what the heck would be the point in committing to you?"
Precisely, men categorize women between sluts and non-sluts.
"We would only be wasting your time and ours if we never intend to marry you."
Actually, only your time. It is never a loosing proposition to get resources for free.
Unless you meant that a pre-marital LTR brings no financial responsibilities on the male.
On the other hand, male attention is a valuable commodity all in it self.
If you can bear watching Twilight, you can see how the idiot keeps pouring male attention at the slut, and she just takes it and gives nothing back to him.
The gender reverse would be if the girl keep going to the males house to be sexed, only to be immediately told to leave at the minute he orgasmed, and she kept coming back the next day.
omgwtfbbq
@ anonymous
ReplyDelete"... of like a mini van. Nobody wants to feel that way, men or women."
Keep in mind that males and females categories the opposite gender in different categories.
Males categories in (a) slut (b) wife-material
Females categories in (a) looser (b) perfect (c) out of my league
"looser" in this context does not mean "poor", it means "sexually unattractive".
The fact is that only the high valued males get wife-material females. The sluts with keep sluting until they hit 30, and then agree to marry a looser.
Both the slut and the looser rather have it in some other way, but the slut at least got to have fun.
Although she will never be satisfied with he looser husband, divorce him after 6 years, take everything she can, and continue sluting as long the looser don't commit suicide.
@ anonymous
ReplyDelete"... of like a mini van. Nobody wants to feel that way, men or women."
Also, note that many males will be in the "looser" category, and late-bloom into high ranking males at 35, when they start succeeding in the world.
@ ShortBlondeApril
ReplyDelete"I disagree. I would definitely say that in general, men my age have "commitment problems"- or, rather, an overwhelmingly stronger preference than women to remain single."
You need to realize that commitment is a costly proposition for men.
The gender reverse:
Sex is a costly proposition for a pre-birth control.
Both sexes long for what is cheap and beneficial, meaning males long for sex, females long for commitment.
His-fault divorce incentiveze men to not marry, and also birth control incentive men to not marry and chase sluts.
100 years ago, no sane and free woman would open up their legs before commitment was assumed.
Now, whoring around doesn't cost a pregnancy, but sluts fail to realize it costs them commitment.
Female sexual liberation convinced women that they should give up what they long for (commitment), so they can offer men what men long for (sex).
most of the women today like to party a lot, and just are looking to have a good time instead of committing themselves to just one man. when you compare the women of today to years ago, many women did commit to just only one man and they were very faithful too. i am sure that there are women that do want to commit, but it is very hard in the times that we are living today. i had been married at one time myself, and i was very committed to my wife until she cheated on me. now that i am in my late fifties, it is very hard finding love again. it is just too bad that the women can't be like they were years ago, like our mom's were back then.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the statement, "Men only commit to women they have strong feelings for." It depends on whether the man is at the right time in his life, i.e., financially and maturity-wise. Trust me, I really liked this girl I met a few years back, but I blew it because I wanted to talk to many girls and party. Now that I'm financially stable and more mature, I finally contacted her and now she and I are married.
ReplyDeleteI love this article because it is so on point.
ReplyDeleteI just ended a "relationship" with a man I've been dating for 4 months. We are both 28 and we both have had long term relationships (him 3 yrs, me 4 yrs). I thought we were headed on a good path - first of all, he was attentive, he texted or emailed me on a daily basis, we hung out multiple times a week and every weekend, he offered me his place when I was between apartments (I didn't accept but told him I was really grateful), he planned my birthday party, we had decided very early on that we were not having sex nor seeing anyone else, and so on and so forth. My friends adore him. I pride myself on reading signs really well and do not let myself be taken advantage of (or try not to, anyway...)
I thought I read his signs correctly but I turned out to be wrong. After asking him what he thought of our relationship and expecting an optimistic response, he basically told me he wasn't ready to commit. He did say "yet", but that gives me no hope, so as much as it hurt me, I broke it off. Then, he made it worse by telling me "You are so sexy and so sweet and you will find someone soon." Barf.
Simply put, as you wrote, he doesn't like me enough to commit.
After having dated countless men, I really don't think there's anyone out there for me. I also found out another guy I briefly dated before this one has a serious girlfriend now after refusing to commit to me. I want to buy 10 cats and endless supply of Ben & Jerry's. I give up.
Sorry, meant "not having sex with anyone else" hah
DeleteSeems like everything was going well.. maybe four months was too early to ask him what he thought about the relationship. He wasn't so attached, so he was able to let go rather than commit.
DeleteMy philosophy is not to push, and to enjoy the ride.
But I understand why you would push, especially if it's really important to you to start a family. The alternative is potentially wasting even more time with someone who might never commit. Maybe try online dating sites. I've had friends eager to settle down who were able to find people with the same goals that way. (OKcupid is free!)
My first real relationship was when I was 21 years old. I was dating a guy at the time that was 22 years old. I actually encourage women not to get in the mindset that asking a guy about the relationship is a no-no early on. I generally find that men push the physical side pretty early on. Thus, I see no harm to ask about the emotional side before I go beyond what I am comfortable with. I asked my first boyfriend where he thought it was headed 2 weeks into dating. We were on our 4th date at the time. I was already introduced to his friends and parents. I just wanted to know where I stood.
DeleteI think that guys tend to think of these things early. They supposedly 'just know' before we even ask. So, if they are excited about it, they will not mind you asking. If they do mind, it is because they have thought about it and aren't sure. If that is the case, then there is nothing wrong pushing him to figure it out.
If he is that easy to leave, then there is probably nothing there to begin with. And there is nothing to hope for. If there is no clincher for a foundation, there will never be anything serious. A guy won't let you go early on if he feels there is even a chance that you will be the 'one'. So, just dodge the bullet early on.
There was I guy that I met through the halls of my office building. He approached me, made excuses to say hello and visit me. He asked me out to dinner, I thought ok no harm in that. He would call, text, tell me how beautiful I looked and on my birthday and holidays buy me extravagant/expensive gifts.
ReplyDeleteMe and this guy went out to dinner multiple times, fancy places, he picked the tab up. We never slept together, never kissed he would always hug me (tight hug).
This went on for two years. I eventually grew to like him because I got to know him (personality wise). One day I felt that I should tell him that I liked him (I never said Love, I never said commit, I never said I want to be your gf). Simply that I like you.
His response your a "great gal" and I just don't want to ruin the friendship. I thought ok , accept the answer, no questions asked and move on.
However till this day in the back of my mind I wondered why all the wining and dining for 2 years and nothing?. No he is not married/no gf I know a few family members of his, trust me they would have told me and he invited me to his families parties held at there homes and we would talk and sometimes text in the morning (time when working people are up 7:30 a.m.) not booty call time 1-5 am.) we would talk during various times in the day, evening and night.
I am still friends with this guy (mature thing to do), I put him in the friend category. I guess both male and females can just be friends.
What about a 37 year old man who has never had a relationship last longer than 2 years, has never lived with a girlfriend, has probably cheated on almost every girlfriend he has had...would it not be fair to assume this man has commitment problems? At what point does this behaviour cross over into an abnormal threshold?
ReplyDeletethere are certainly much more of us straight guys today that would really like to meet the right woman to settle down with, but the very hard part is finding the right one today.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately most such guys are not sexy and exciting enough.
Deletethis is BS. just becoz u are that type of a guy doesn't make all the guys the same.
ReplyDeleteAs long as love is not the most important thing in a guy's life, then he can very well has commitment issue.
No matter how much he likes a girl, it's still inside the category of love and when commitment conflicts with the category he most care, he will not commit to it.
what you said only applies if a men treats love their priority, but most men don't, at least real men don't. Career, family are very often more important for most men. Freedom is another common one. Love is usally the most important in women's life (most women), not men.
There are things that men will not sacrifice for women, or should i say *should not* sacrifice, like dream, pride, responsbility. you should not call urself a man if u will sacrifice those to commit to a women. I will rather die alone than betray a man's duty. A man's duty including contributing to the world, shaping the society, exercising your potential, etc. How dare u say a man does not truly love a women unless he can sacrifice all these great things for a self-fish desire of love.
There is one women I love, I can sacrifice my life for her, but i cannot commit to her because there are goals that I need to achieve in my lifetime. They are things that make this world a better world, things that benefit others, future generations, poor countries, people suffering from diseases. I can sacrifice my life for her, but these things are more important than my life. There are people suffering currently in this world that I can help.
I can't have a stable life for a relationship commitment, I may sometimes need to be gone for years. Are you saying I don't love this women because I can't commit to her even though I can sacrifice my life for her?
This is just my case, and I know many people have their own stories.
Before you making a claim, go and meet for more people and learn their stories first.
women just don't know the meaning of the word commit anymore. the average woman out there now seems to have seven different boyfriends, that is one for each day of the week. where are the good women like June Cleaver and Donna Reed were, and we certainly need them back again. they were down to earth, very caring, loving, and very committed to their men too. and i would certainly say, most of the women back then accepted their men for who they were. today women want a man with a very large bank account, and that is very sad.
ReplyDeleteJune Cleaver is a fictional character and Donna Reed was married 3 times in her life. You were saying?
Deleteoh well but it is true, much more women nowadays just can't commit to just only one man anymore. and for us serious men that are looking for a relationship, many of us are having a hard time meeting a good one. i am tired of getting rejected all the time, and i did nothing wrong to cause this to happen to me. and i know other men that have the same problem, and yes it was much easier meeting women years ago since many of them now have so much excess baggage and money problems. there are many men that play games, but i am one of many men that certainly hates going out all the time and can never seem to be at the right place at the right time to meet the right one. i was married myself at one time but she cheated on me, and i was a very caring and loving husband that was very committed to her as well.
Delete@Anon - the problem is you. Why are you painting all women with the same brush because one woman cheated on you? There are good people EVERYWHERE.
DeleteYou said "much more women nowadays just can't commit...many of us are having a hard time meeting a good one" and then you said "I am one of many men that certainly hates going out all the time and can never seem to be at the right place at the right time".
Quit expecting women to come to you! I don't expect men to come to me either.
why are you women so mean and nasty with us men?, and it sounds to me that many men have treated you very badly and you seem to be taking it out on us INNOCENT MEN. many of us men don't have a commitment problem, but there are just too many women that have a very serious attitude problem.
Deletei certainly wish that we could have the women of the fifties and sixties around again, they were certainly much more educated than today.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but women in the '50s and '60s were told to keep their pretty little mouths shut and take it. Divorce was taboo, and people were expected to be married with kids in their early 20's. Alot of people got married at 18! Women stuck wih their marriage because they couldn't stand up to their husbands, and the husband controlled everything. It's just easier nowadays to get a divorce by both sides. Women are actually more educated nowadays, and have found their voice no matter how annoying men find it.
DeleteSo true. I'm a female btw. It also now annoys me when girls whine about commitment phobic men--they sound so retarded and ignorant and just mean and....i dunno it makes them sound silly because they're unaware of the fact that they're considered "not good enough" yet are letting the world know by trying to degrade the guy publicly or whatever.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I learned the hard way how it allllll depends on the girl--if you are an amazing girl--personality counts a lot, it is not just physical like men keep preaching, even if you are hot to him you won't necessarily get commitment--then he will commit to you regardless of barriers. So if he makes excuses then turns around and commits to another girl....yeah that stings but illustrates it perfectly.
Also....to people that keep preaching that men lose out the most through divorce....UHHHH as a female I find that offensive. Ok so a divorced man loses a lot of money. ok. BUT HE CAN GAIN IT BACK. WHEREAS A WOMAN'S WASTED TIME AND YOUTH TO HER EX-HUSBAND IS LOST FOREVER. So don't tell me how men have more to lose--I'm probably more scared of marriage than the average guy--because I udnerstand that if I am divorced, I am forever screwed and never going to attract the same quality of man again since I will be past thirty by that time.
TIME >MONEY
what about what you said about guys in their early 20's who aren't interested in settling down? don't THEY have commitment problems? what else would you call that.
ReplyDeleteI would call it a reluctance to commit. That is the whole point of the post: yes, men are reluctant to commit, but it isn't a "problem" in the sense that we owe it to anyone else, or even to ourselves, to settle for something less than what we want.
DeleteIf a guy in his 20s doesn't like the girl he is dating, he should break up with her, not force himself into commitment unwillingly because it is somehow the "right" thing to do.
A man shouldn't force himself to commit.
DeleteI'm 26. I was seeing a 22 year old man. Due to his young age, I wasn't expecting anything serious from him. I thought he was going to be a short fling after I made the mistake of sleeping with him on the third date but his interest in me continued for a couple of months.
A mutual female friend *who I'm not friends with anymore due to this* got involved and started telling him that he was using me/stringing me on. She told him that if he does not talk to me that she was going to talk to me herself and convince me that he was no good for me. At the same time his guy friends were nagging him to make things offical between me and him.
He forced himself to talk to me about the natural of our relationship. He told me that he wasn't ready to call me his girlfriend but he wants to in the future. Then he told me I can call him my boyfriend and tell other men that I'm taken...
I felt uneasy about the whole thing and felt that his future commitment plans with me was a lie to try to make me and others happy. This made me feel like shit. A man should be excited and confident about starting a relationship with a women. Not be forced into it.
You deserve better. I know it's hard, but move on. You're still young and have a good chance of finding a good man to marry. As Andrew says, "don't waste your eligible years," on a relationship that's not going anywhere. Maybe consider older men? They're more likely to be ready to commit and appreciate you more.
Deleteokay but you made a post about how guys in their early 20's are 'actively fucking around' or however you put it. doesn't that mean they just aren't in the right mentality to even want to be interested in a relationship? maybe it isn't a commitment "problem" per se but it just isn't even in their minds at all?
ReplyDeleteAlso, do guys who are players in their early twenties usually settle down? Or do players have that mentality throughout their life? It would be interesting to read a post on your perspective
it is much more of the women that seem to have the commitment problem today, and many of us men can commit to one woman. i was married at one time and i was very committed to my wife before she cheated on me, and i was a very good husband. i even thought that i was going to have a family, which never happened. since there are so many mean women out there now, it is really very hard to connect with a good one again. i do have to say that many women have certainly changed over the years, and they seem to have a need to date as many men at one time. today most women are not that educated like they were years ago, since they like to play hard too get now.
ReplyDeleteI have a question about my current relationship and not sure if any one has some input. We'll be going on a year in April. Yesterday he called me asking me to take the day off on April 1st, which will be our 1 year anniversary which I thought was very sweet. Then in evening when we went out to dinner, he said out of nowhere that his sister (he would not tell me which one which is super odd) asked him how he felt about us being unmarried and living together and if he knew that living together means your are married by common law. I informed him that from what I know, you have to live with a significant other for 5 years to be married by common law. I was very upset because he seemed relieved. I may not be perfect but I have alot to offer and don't need someone making me feel as if I am not worthy of being married to. I may have taken this all more personal than I need to, but it's hard not too. It makes me feel as if I need to cut my losses with him, I do not want to be with someone who is not willing to commit to me in the long-term.
ReplyDeleteNot sure what to tell you after this post... sounds like you need to find out more clearly where his head is at about your relationship. it sounds like he's re-thinking the relationship. go with your gut. you seem strong and that you know how to take care of yourself. show him that you are and see if he comes running back. that's my advice. my post may help you with your answer, hope it sheds some insight and i hope some men get on to respond too!
ReplyDelete*********************
i am in a situation with a man i've been seeing just 5 weeks. in the same date he told me that he wanted us to be exclusive but wasn't sure he could give me what i wanted long-term. we talked further and our timelines are both off for what we are looking for as well as he feels our personalities are so different that eventually we would make each other crazy. i feel that our differences compliment each other in alot of ways. he's very type a and i'm more relaxed, creative. do opposites attract? he said in our conversation that he didn't want me seeing other guys but wouldn't guarantee a future, so he wants to have his cake and eat it too. wtf!? i called him on this and he admitted to it, it was a very frank conversation. part of me feels like if i went exclusive with him he would see that we are in fact a great match...
my question is this, do men feel it early on whether or not a women is suited for him? or is his type a personality rationalizing his way out of something that could work? or am i trying to find a diamond in a pile of shale?
we haven't had sex, thankfully. i teased him that i wouldn't have sex with him until we were married ;) he looked at me straight on and said "we're not getting married" the honesty we have is i guess pretty impressive!?
it is without a doubt that the women have commitment problems today, and many of us men would love to commit to just only one woman. my aunt and uncle are starting their 65th year together, and that is why so many marriages lasted a very long time since women were certainly much more committed to their men and accepted them for who they were. the women with the high paying jobs today think that they are all that, and with that attitude makes it much harder for us very serious men that are really looking for a good woman to share a life with today.
ReplyDeleteWould you say situations where a man is newly divorced (or separated) would be an exception? I dated a separated man for three months and everything seemed great...maybe too great. He felt like he needed to date other women, because he said how crazy would that be to fall in love and marry the first girl you date after divorcing. I get it. I've been there. Part of me feels confident that he'll be back, because I think myself a good catch, and our relationship was very, very good. He said there was nothing he could point to in our relationship that he thought wouldn't work down the road. But the other part of me knows its possible he won't be. Looking for your insight. Divorce is a beast.
ReplyDeleteGood question. This sort-of happened to me. The guy was not married but just got out of a LTR and, after we had been dating for a few weeks, he told me he did not want a relationship and wanted to be single and date other people. He went on a few dates with other girls (that I suspect he mainly met online.. only way to go on so many dates so fast¡) I was super jealous, but tried to stay cool, give him his space and keep my options open, too. He came running back to me after a month :)
DeleteIn conclusion, I think all he needed was a little reminder of how much dating sucks, combined with facing the possibility that I would move on.
DeleteI am sick and tired of people going on and on about how feminism ruined the world. Yes the world sucks. But it has always sucked, for both men and women, and it is not the fault of feminism.
ReplyDeleteBefore "feminism" women who got raped were stoned to death (which still happens in some countries), and when they were divorced (usually by the will of the man) or widowed they had no money to go on and had to either remarry or; since very few men were willing to take on such a burden, live very poor lives or even live as prostitutes.
Of course in retrospect, everyone thinks that old traditional values were composed of a happy husband and happy wife that all loved each other and had multiple babies together; but reality was much more complex. Their may have been happy marriages back in the day, but there were also shitty marriages; that much is indisputable.
If you want to go to year 1210 where women couldn't vote, had no say; were not able to get out of marriages (even when raped or domestically abused) GO AHEAD. I prefer to stay in the modern day.
Do I enjoy the modern day all the time? No, not really. DO I wish people had better more traditional values sometimes? Yes. DO I wish I had done things the traditional way? Sure, sometimes I do. That doesn't mean that it would be better to lose all of women's civil rights, that were won through a hard struggle; because things aren't working out for me right now and I'm not getting what I want (whether that's getting laid more often, or getting a decent relationship, or whatever).
Men (and women), get your head out of your ***(ass. YOu would never in a million years say that times were better when black people were slaves and were treated like dirt; nor would you criticize the positive impact of civil (*()ucking rights. And back in the day, women were treated like f*()ing dirt. Does that still happen today? sure, sometimes it does. DO times still suck? Yes. But that doesn't mean you have to negate POSITIVE developments in civil f((*(ing rights.
just because YOU can't get laid or can't get married doesn't mean that times were better in the age of yore. Seriously people. Get it together. Whether you're old or young you will find someone to marry or *uck eventually. Most people do. And if you don't it's not that tragic. Do some community work and stop focusing on your selfish crap.
Back in the day women that couldn't get married had to go to the f*(*ing convents to devote themselves to god and weren't allowed any casual sex. Is that still an option for all unmarried women? It sure is. Nothing is holding you back from a virtuous lifestyle (or a slutty lifestyle) if that's what you want.
And if you want a man to marry you, treat him well, become his friend, but don't give out any handouts (and by that I mean not necessarily sex, but don't be his live in f()*ing girlfriend and do his laundry). If you don't have the title of a wife, don't act like one. Not only will you be happier but you will not be wasting your time on someone's dirty fu()ing laundry.
In fact, my hunch is that the real problem is not that women are actually feminists, but that they are too weak to put their money where their mouth is. They will whine and cry about how theyre proving to the man theyre marriage material by being loving and doing his f*(ing laundry; but theyre actually acting like pushovers. Demand respect, and you will get respect. Or the guy will tell you to go *(ck yourself, but at least you'll have saved yourself some time.
Cheers everybody!
im looking for something to sink in my teeth without any crying, but i cant find no place or nothing.. where thrills are cheap and love is divine.
ReplyDeletewell as a single straight man, i am certainly looking to meet a good straight woman to have a relationship with. i had been married at one time before she cheated on me, and i was a very good husband as well. many women nowadays just can't seem to be committed to just one man anymore like they did years ago, and the ones that are out there now are so very hard to meet. going out all over again really sucks for me, and i do have to say that i really hate it since so many women play hard to get and are very nasty to us when we will try to start a conversation with the one that we would really like to meet. i was certainly the one woman man at the time thinking that i had finally found the right woman to have a family with, but that certainly never happened. very hard to find a good woman these days, especially one that doesn't cheat.
ReplyDeleteSo, one thing that i noticed is that no one mentions 'deal breakers' at all for relationships. It seems like everyone drops the relationship horse for hormonal reasons or brainwashed femnazi beliefs women were raised with. What about women and men who are avoiding the commitment in relationships, or not going forward, because they keep hoping a deal breaker will suddenly drop off the planet?
ReplyDeleteExamples:
horrible with money, great with everything else. Maybe they'll learn once the credit card debt is paid...
He loves kids, wants kids, but works at burger king and you know you'll be raising the kids even though you earn more money. Maybe he'll get a better job?
She is sexy and makes me smile but can't stand hanging out or going to restaurants, totally antisocial.
She's going to college for two years, but i love her, i can make it work. She'll make time for me, i'm sure.
A lot of relationships seem to fail because people are running falsehoods to themselves about facts circulating the person. A woman says she wants a long term relationship with a guy who's going to medical school. Honestly, he's going to be too busy for any relationships, so stop trying to get him to commit!
And for the woman's version of schooling, men try to take her off of the career that's allowing her to save up or support herself if she has children with a man who divorces her or gives her a one night stand. Because women do lose more than the man during divorce if there are children. Who sees the kids more, who invests the most time? You can get angry over what femnazi's have done to us women, but we still are the main caretakers while men bitch about child support, pulling emotional strings to avoid it. 'if you don't make me pay this week, month, year, i'll see my son/daughter more often...'
Deal breakers: they are the other half of a relationship failing, because so many people who feel they are in love ignore the alarms. Because divorce goes both ways. Men only lose money and assets, those can be regained. A woman loses her entire life with children and a job.
So tell me:
is it a commitment problem when they want to avoid the storm by not telling you the real reasons for their inaction? Or is it just people who don't like to think about all those deal breakers until they absolutely can't handle it anymore?
because i'm seeing people who feel like the world would return to its axis in the dating world if only women weren't proactive in the world for their future children, a world where women did not do the investigating. The parents did or the man did. Left her feelings in the picture as an afterthought and hoped the man wouldn't get bored with her or go off and get drunk, being married too early. There are so many factors, why are women the ones made 'evil'?
They're just trying to not end up in the trailer park, dumped by our men and just scraping by. They'd rather end up in a house they can pay off, for his kids to grow up healthy in afterwards. Because they are rarely in first perspective, they are in third.
Dear world: femnazi's broke the mold, and if we work together, we may make it better than before. It's only been a few years, guys! (so sue me, i'm an optimist)
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI am a Indian woman just over 40.I have kids and a husband.Gradually,from the first year of my marriage I found myself very dissatisfied with my husband emotionally,just as I felt he looked at me as a wife who was made to perform duties,while he had no duties towards her except for earning money.I work on computers and had conversed with clients over Skype.Just accidentally,I started chatting with a foreign guy about 8 years younger to me 5-6 yrs back.I liked that he saw me as a human being and not a person who has a woman's body.We were pure friends,he shared with me how he felt about his girlfriends and family,as he thought of me as his buddy.:)He flirted with me occasionally,but I found nothing serious in them,and ignored them.
One and half year back he showed sexual interest and I bonded with him so well emotionally,that I fell for him,even though I knew he dates girls there.It is something that can't be explained and it was totally irresistible for me.We chat every week and 90% of the time it is sexual.
Now I am torn,because I have kids whom i love and I love the guy too.
The fact that it has happened to me still seems unreal to me,as I am being brought up in a traditional Indian family.I never thought that I could get sexual with a man other than my husband.But,it has happened.
I feel complete and fulfilled when we make love over the internet.He tells me the same thing.Now the funny part comes.He tells me that he dates girls there to get sexually satisfied,but he thinks of me when he has sex and that he thinks of me as his wife and that he wants to get married to me.
Once when he was very ill,I got his email that he wanted me to be by his side.
My question is as a guy is it possible that you love someone else and while you can't have sex with her,you have sex with other women thinking of her?
As you may know by now,what a fool I am making of myself,but it IS really difficult not to think of him.
All my life I have prided myself on being a strong woman with character,but this is something else.It seems I have no control over my feelings.I feel deeply bonded with him,primarily because he has been such a good friend in the early 3-4 years of our friendship.And I trust him to be a good person.
If you can help me see the perspective in this relationship which I may be not able to see because of my emotional,rather spiritual attachment to this guy.
Thanks for listening my story.
I think you know the answer to this question you pose. You are not fulfilled by the attention given to you by your husband. Men cheat when their physical needs are not met; woman cheat when they are neglected emotionally. Very few things happen by accident, and this situation is not the exception. Why else would you need to even talk to a guy that is in a foreign country? Perhaps you were subconsciously reaching out to fulfill your own needs? Or looking to create a reason to leave your husband, when you could not without cause. So, this did not happen out of thin air.
DeleteThe red flags are that this guy is 8 years younger than you. A 32-yr old guy is probably looking for someone to start a life with. He most likely is not looking for a 40-yr old woman with kids and baggage to wife. I am saying this in the nicest possible way. It doesn't sound as if you guys even actually met. Chatting over the internet does not make it a relationship. So, don't expect this to end as a relationship would. And you might think that this is love. But it sounds more like lust, than anything else. Two people that seek out other out to fulfill their emotional and sexual needs.
I think that you are being naive in thinking that this will go far. I doubt that he thinks of you during sex with other girls. If that was the truth, he wouldn't be able or want to have sex with them. Stop being foolish.
I am not saying that you need to stay with your husband. But if you choose to leave your husband, let it be because you are not happy in your marriage. Do not expect this guy to be there when you do. He probably will not be.
Just because someone can talk to you online, does not mean they will make a good husband. What do you know of his flaws? His friends? His family? Do you think the people in his life will be supportive of his marriage to you?
Thanks,Annie,
ReplyDeleteFor taking the time to think about it.
I HAVE told myself that this may only be lust on his side and even on my side.And believe me each day I try to resist the urge to speak to him.But when I am successful I get a feeling of huge loss.
Also,I cannot ignore the fact that this guy talked to me for 4-5 years without trying to get sexually closer to me.And that built my trust on him.
Recently,he has told me that its I who come to his mind when he feels that there is something beautiful,like a beautiful day.And he wishes he had met me earlier.I think that he has no malice in this.What do you think?
But I also think you are right in thinking that if he really thought about me during sex he would not be able to have sex with other girls.That is what has happened to me,because I do not want to have sex with my husband any more.But,I thought may be its different with the guys as they have a stronger sexual urge.
He asks me every time that he wants this relationship to go forever.But I tell him to start a new relationship on a pure and loyal level if is dating other girls,as he will want to have a family.
So,I have stopped talking sex with him.But still he wants to talk to me.
Its very very difficult for me to get him out of my mind.But I am trying.
Thanks a ton for your considerate comment.
:)
I'm from scandinavia. We're considered among the most equal nations. In my country, men and women have next to equal responsibilities, i.e. both parties work. I've never experienced any problems with this. People go out, party, hook up, fall in love, marry, have kids (while working) and either grow old together or divorce and fall and try again with another partner.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, you are all too afraid of what is essentially a non-problem. Women aren't evil, and neither are men. I think you'll see that once your culture gets to the point we're at now. It's great.
P.S. Don't look at statistics. Who cares if marriage or cohabitation are down? That doesn't mean people can't be in a serious and engaged relationship where they spend most of their time together, or even have kids (at least if living together as an unmarried couple). There really isn't a problem.
In response to the bitter men, of course, who worry too much about the "fall of society at the hands of feminists" or whatever.
DeleteI was reading all the comments and i have to disagree with most of them. The fast that American men are looking for the nice wife type is totally untrue. I am not American but I am not and have never been a party girl, I have not dated much (very little), I work with children and love children, I love taking care of the house and even though I do have education, I don't consider myself very independent. I think I am an average looking girl (tall with dark hair). I meet American men who are scared of all that. They are scared that I don't have a shady past, that I don't have drama in my life, that I don't have a crazy personality and go nuts on them. Most men around the age of 30-35 want to go to bars, drink, go to their mountain climbing or whatever they do and have fun. They are scared of normal. Oh, and even with my education, I don't have any debt whatsoever because I worked and went to school full time. Now tell me please, what is it that is missing in this equation? Why do I always end up with men who are all about bars and getting drunk. Most nice guys that I want to date think I will leave them one day and are scared to commit to anything (I don't care about how much money they guy makes, and usually he has to be normal looking). Honestly, I am thinking maybe I should date someone 15 years my senior in order to find a normal man (I am 29).
ReplyDeleteYou are only looking at sexy, exciting guys. You need to consider ordinary looking nerdy type guys with rather mundane lives(think accountants and engineers), the ones who cannot pick women in bars.
DeleteAlthough you say they just have to be normal looking, I'm sure they are still atleast relatively attractive and have some charm and stuff going for them.
Majority of young men cannot do the singles lifestyle and bar/club scene. So you clearly arent considering a lot of men you come across.
The author sounds like an abusive prick.
ReplyDeleteWell explain this.....my man of 7 years just left me for no reason (says him)! He is very handsome in the face, but has a pot belly and an ever growing bald spot! He will be 34 in October. Explain this clusterfuck, please....
ReplyDeleteThe only conclusion i draw from this blog : i am glad i am alone .. and i will never change that situation. Singleness in this world is awesome ... and safe..
ReplyDeleteI like this article. I want to add that many men want to get married to a woman who inspires them to commit. I am recently engaged to my boyfriend. We've both been married and divorced, we are both in our 40's (he's 48 and I'm 44), and I have children from my previous marriage whom he adores. He tells me I'm unlike any woman he's ever known. I love to cook and clean and do his laundry (I guess I was raised that way), I love sex, I love and respect and appreciate him. I give him time to decompress after work (in his garage "mancave" with a beer and music) before he joins us for dinner/etc. That is very important to most men. I'm feminine and care about my appearance, and yet I'm independent enough to have my own life. I think he needs time with his guy friends. I think guys need guy time to build up their testosterone levels. It's great, he comes back ready to drag me into the bedroom by my hair (some of us like that). Let me add that he is faithful and committed and would do anything for me. I know how to ask. I don't nag. EVER. I know how to sweetly ask for what I need, and if he can't or won't deliver, it's okay. Relationships are all about people being compatible. I'm not saying all men would love a woman like me, but I'm glad my guy does. (I guess my big boobs don't hurt either, heehee)
ReplyDeleteThis whole bull shit is not a male or female issue. I think it's more of cultural thing. An American thing to be precise.
ReplyDeleteFrom the culture I come from (South India), both men and women can be labeled as "sluts". And they will be called that if its found they are promiscuous. With arranged marriages being the norm, and things such as "love" marriages happening on the side, I feel like this "stuff" happens in the West due to excessive freedom and individualism. Simple as that. No need to put blame on either genders. It's just a messed up culture. that's all!