On Valentines's day, men are expected to show their undying love for their woman by following a script prescribed by Hallmark or Flowers.com, and promoted by Hollywood: flowers, fine dining, exuberant cards, rose petals, teddy bears, etc. If a man doesn't follow this script, he suffers the consequence of disrupting the relationship. But if he does follow it, he feels like an emasculated pushover, forced by social pressures into expressing feelings that he may or may not have in ways that would never have occurred to him naturally. Either way, he loses.
Not every man understands his own distaste for the holiday. Maybe a man's aversion to Valentine's day is manifested as nothing other than a small feeling of annoyance in the back of his mind as he tries to pick the least-gay card off the shelf in CVS (from among thousands of cards designed for women, by women). But this annoyance is rooted in the fact that he feels forced into expressing himself in unmanly ways.
A man demonstrates his love for you regularly in ways that aren't as ostentatious as a large bouquet of roses, but run deeper for their lack of overt exhibition: he commits to you willingly, he suppresses his desire to be with other women, he avoids reminding you of that desire, he attends to your emotional needs without complaint, he holds you and protects you, etc.
In addition, men are skeptical of Valentine's day because they know it is (at least partially) motivated by a woman's need to demonstrate to her friends how much she is loved - sometimes more so than it is motivated by a true need for the visible symbols of that love. Again, while most men might not recognize this consciously, it is implicit in their thought that the Valentine's day traditions seem overdone and excessive - because they are excessive if all that drives them is the woman's need for visible expressions of love.
I am not saying that no man likes to express his love through a card or flowers, or that men don't enjoy romantic dates. Some probably do. And I am not saying that there is no need for visible signs of affection in relationships, because there is. They have a time and a place (especially if the man and woman both express their love through gifts). What I am saying is that when a man doesn't get to choose that time and place, and when his hand is forced by the social pressures of a vacuous holiday, his masculine decisiveness and authority are called into question, and he resents it.
So this year I suggest you do three things to help your man through the awkwardness of Valentine's Day:
- De-emphasize Valentine's Day by dismissing it openly to him as a marketing ploy. Say something like "Valentine's Day is such a farce; if there weren't decorations in the grocery store and commercials on TV, no one would even remember it after five years. It's purely driven by marketing." (Do not tell him not to get you anything, as this might give him the idea that you don't like receiving gifts.)
- Get him something small. The biggest pressure on Valentine's Day comes from the "culture" within the relationship to make a big deal out of it. By only getting him something small (like a card or dressing up in lingerie), you take a lot of the pressure off him the next year.
- Curb whatever desire you have to show off on Valentine's Day. Aside from fact that your single female coworkers will probably murder you when you receive roses and a huge teddy bear at the office, recognize that a truly confident woman who is secure in her relationship doesn't need the external affirmation of her peers' jealousy.
- Recognize the existing expressions of his love for you, as described above. This will help you to realize that you don't need chocolates on some arbitrary day in February. (If there aren't any common expressions of love in your relationship, you probably shouldn't be together.)
Before you complain that taking the pressure off a man on Valentine's Day makes it "too easy for him," consider this: by stepping back and letting a man do that to which he is naturally inclined, you adopt the same attitude that you do when you don't initiate contact with a man, or when you cut off a guy that breaks up with you: you are stepping back and accepting what happens, even if it isn't what you expected and hoped for. Just like you gain nothing by artificially perpetuating a relationship by constantly contacting a guy who doesn't like you very enough, so too do you discern a man's true feelings for you by taking off the pressure and letting his actions on Valentine's Day (or at other times) reflect his true feelings for you. Don't deceive yourself by reveling in a forced sign of his affection.
If your man refuses to celebrate Valentine's Day, but you don't agree with him that it is ridiculous, your best bet is to employ the tactics of the author's wife in this post:
http://masculine-style.com/you-know-shes-a-keeper-when/
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So happy I am Swedish and not very much into Valentines day myself. I'm happy for a hug and a "Glad Alla Hjärtans dag" - happy "all hearts" day. Just have to remember to not ask someone if they want to do something on the 14:th (unless it's one of my friends (female) so no one feels cornered. I am not much for spending money on things I don't need and I am not much for getting things I don't need. Nor do I fancy going out for dinner on the days everybody does so, it just means not so good service and quality of food often goes down too, just like New Years eve. I'd much rather have a nice dinner at home and share a nice meal in a restaurant another day
ReplyDeleteIf you are one of those women who do have certain expectations for Valentine's Day, rather than doing things to "take off the pressure" for him, don't you think it is better to just be frank, open, and honest about what your exceptions are?
ReplyDeleteFor example, my expectations for Valentine's Day when I'm in a relationship are as follows: Exchange of gifts (and the gift doesn't have to be traditional Valentine-y like chocolate or flowers)to each other and spend time with just the two of us together, ending with a round of wild and passionate love making.
If those expectations are not met (meaning Valentine's Day is forgotten and I can't tell you how many of my ex's have done this to me), I get disappointed and upset. I try to be mature out it, but I can't help that I feel let down and uncared for. Something which the guy always picks up on - that something is wrong.
So why not just save the trouble and let the guy know what your expectations are so he knows the right thing to do?
I think it depends on your relationship. If a guy refuses to go out to dinner if there is an important game on or HAS to go somewhere specific on Super Bowl, he should be more accepting that certain days are important to you too. If you let him have his stuff or even makes some good food for him and his friends when they come over, you should be able to express which events are important to you too.
Delete"So why not just save the trouble and let the guy know what your expectations are so he knows the right thing to do?"
DeleteBecause this equates to forcing his hand. Do you want him to meet your expectations just for the sake of the gifts and sex, or do you want him to meet your expectations because he loves you and therefore does those things out of his own free will?
It will take a lot more guts for you to face him forgetting Valentine's Day or failing to meet your expectations than it will for you to play it "safe" by telling him what you want then convincing yourself that he would have done it on his own anyway.
I don't think this is a question of "having guts" at all. The only outcome I can see in letting the cards "fall as they may" ends in discontentment. All guys in relationships are equally susceptible (ie, have eyes and ears) in the early weeks of February to the myriad ads, articles, and hullabaloo mass media is pumping out regarding V Day.
DeleteIf they willfully choose to ignore it, then of course the girl will be upset. If they buy you things unprompted, that doesn't really mean anything either because they most likely had some inkling that not doing anything meant trouble.
So I am a big proponent of making things easy and telling your significant other your expectations up front. That way, if they do it, you are satisfied and they should also be moderately happy that they made you so happy. And if they don't come through, it is a pretty clear indication that they don't care about things that are imporant to you, however silly this holiday actually is.
Additionally, I feel like a girl would be hard-pressed to find a guy who is so "principled" and "stubborn" as to disregard his significant other's feelings about this frivolous endeavor (admittedly silly and over-commercialized) but otherwise loves them and treats them well.
Doesn't being in a relationship mean compromise sometimes? And especially if it makes your gf/bf happy at such a minimal cost to your own well-being?
Why is it a question of "force" at all? Shouldn't someone who cares about you want to make you happy if it is within reason and feasible?
And, why can't it be about something as inane as a randomly chosen Hallmark holiday? Who is being hurt in the relationship by indulging this whim? Seems like....no one.
"It will take a lot more guts for you to face him forgetting Valentine's Day or failing to meet your expectations than it will for you to play it "safe" by telling him what you want then convincing yourself that he would have done it on his own anyway."
DeleteSo, if a boyfriend completely forgets Valentine's Day, except to say "Happy Valentine's Day" AND you purchased him a present, what do you suggest doing? Dump him?
This seems a little bit like the case of expecting a man to read your mind. If I don't express my expectations for something how can I hold someone accountable for not knowing I had them.
I'm not saying I outline the whole day down to what I want to receive as a present. But rather, setting expectations that the day *is* important and I wish to celebrate it together with him.
For the record, I don't hold that Valentine's Day is one side towards the woman. I feel the woman is equally obligated to do something nice for her partner on the day.
I guess the question is, WHY do you have those expectations for Valentine's Day, as opposed to any other day? Can you at least acknowledge the fact that this is an entirely artificial holiday, not celebrating any meaningful or important anniversary, mainly promoted by advertisers to sell a bunch of tacky heart-shaped junk?
DeleteJust as a background, I've never cared about Valentine's Day. When my husband buys me gifts, makes passionate love to me and makes other gestures of love, it means a lot to me because I know he did it from a spontaneous desire to make me happy. If he does those things because of an arbitrary holiday and the fact that I informed him I would be angry and disappointed if he didn't, it loses all specialness. It's basically the result of me holding him emotionally hostage, rather than a genuine gesture of love. That seems like a very dry and businesslike way to conduct a relationship: "This is what I want. If you don't fulfill it on the date of my choosing, I will be disappointed. Now get to it." How romantic!
Spiralina said it perfectly. Valentines Day seem to be a very selfish, self centered faux holiday. I ask women all of the time would they rather have a man that treats them good all year round, but does not celebrate Valentines Day or a real A hole all year round , but he lives up to your expectations on that God Awful Day. They usually come to their senses when presented to them that way. How selfish to tell a man these are my expectations on Valentine's Day. Well Ladies if he does it he truly doesn't mean it.
DeleteI guess you expect a woman to parade for you in lingerie everyday of the year except Valentine's day. The one day out of the year that is especially set aside for couples to share. And you come up with a lame excuse to not acknowledge that love for your woman who might go that extra mile for you working, raising your children, keeping house and countless of other things women do for their families. If you're not giving your wife flowers and romancing her everyday of the year then on Valentine's day you better make sure you go all out. I'm married and still going strong.
DeleteI guess you expect a woman to parade for you in lingerie everyday of the year except Valentine's day. The one day out of the year that is especially set aside for couples to share. And you come up with a lame excuse to not acknowledge that love for your woman who might go that extra mile for you working, raising your children, keeping house and countless of other things women do for their families. If you're not giving your wife flowers and romancing her everyday of the year then on Valentine's day you better make sure you go all out. I'm married and still going strong.
Deletei had been dating a guy quite exclusively very hot and heavy for 2 weeks. We had an intimate dinner and were very close two days before and he never called me and spent the whole day with his mother. I am a person who is a widow and was spoiled and have many other suitors that would have loved to spend the day with me and he stayed with his mother the entire day. I want to tell him its Valentines Day not Mothers Day! i cant get passsed it
DeleteHold that thought. He preferred to spend V day with his mum? Some problem with guys, damn! On a lighter note you've cracked me up how you've finished by saying.."I want to tell him its Valentines Day not Mothers Day." haha :-D
DeleteI'm so glad you addressed the Valentine's Day topic! A few follow-up questions:
ReplyDelete1. If you leave your man to his own devices (no pressure), and the result is NO valentine's gift, what does that mean for your relationship? The Rules say you should immediately dump a man who forgets V-Day because it means he's not in love with you. Do you agree?
2. The blog you link to at the end. I like the idea of the girlfriend doing something nice to show appreciation for her man on V-Day. But the girl in this example got NOTHING in return! Completely one-sided, not even a single rose in exchange for her evening of slave labor. How is this an example we're aspiring to???
Edit: I reread the blog, and I noticed she's his wife (not gf), so I guess that makes a one-way Valentine's show of affection more acceptable. But I still think this is dangerous ground for woman to tread, and definitely off-limits for a mere girlfriend. Seems like a good way to spoil your man and make him take you for granted. I'd be interested to hear how this year's V-Day turns out for the blogger and his wife. I would bet that the woman is going to be pissed if her efforts go unreciprocated for long.
Delete1. It means he doesn't care much about you and you should dump him. Note that this is ONLY the case if he is actually negligent of your feelings. It doesn't hold true if he acknowledges but refuses to celebrate Valentine's Day because he thinks it is ridiculous. This just means he is principled and possibly stubborn - neither of which are bad things in moderation.
Delete2. The example is meant to be useful only if you are already in a situation where your husband or boyfriend refuses to celebrate Valentine's Day out of principle, but otherwise loves you and treats you well.
I updated the last sentence to make this more clear.
DeleteHow about people just being themselves and doing what they want??? If a woman (or man) wants something for V day, they shouldn't be shamed into expecting it. Nor should anyone feel odd and forcing themself to supress what they want to do for the person they are in a relationship with. If a woman wants sex, there's no problem expecting or expressing a desire for it. If a woman wants to go out for dinner, she should have no guilt or shame suggesting it. If a man wants sex and sexy lingerie, he shouldn't have a problem saying, "hey, how about we stay in and do something fun at my place" or being more direct, "how about we stay in and do something fun in my bed for v day"?
ReplyDeleteIf there's awkwardness in a relationship it's a function of the relationship, or the guy/gal is immature enough.
My ex who I broke up with maybe 4 yrs ago and I are still friends. Yesterday I received two dozen yellow roses from him with a card that says "happy v day, bella" and my mom sends me flowers also. I buy flowers for my secretary, my mom and my sister. I agree with Andrew that people should let what happens happen naturally, but at the same time, if you want something and you feel it isn't clear to the guy/girl what you want, get some balls and ask for it!
Valentine's Day is a day invented by American business to make us all feel tragic and lonely.
ReplyDeleteI'm a woman and I really do not see anything less romantic than Valentine's Day. It makes me cringe. But saying that, I'd still be interested in what the guy does. I don't like the idea of a big fuss being made though. It really doesn't have to be a big thing.
Oh btw I found this video and wanted to share it with you all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ku2PDqjhKao
DeleteSo funny! And kind of backs up this post.
x
That's pretty good, thanks for the link.
DeleteThis post and all the contributors are cheering me up! I was feeling all 'tragic and lonely' like Lucy, but Andrews hilarious post has me giggling non-stop. Love this 80s throwback quip: "small feeling of annoyance in the back of his mind as he tries to pick the least-gay card off the shelf in CVS (from among thousands of cards designed for women, by women)." ha! Spoken like a cautious commitment phobe, the kind of guy I used to like in my twenties. I thought the romantics were 'too easy and boring.' But, aren't you Gen Y and Millennials supposed to pre-emptively be in therapy to get past these 'imaginary' dreads and enjoy younger marriages and supposed togetherness happiness sooner? Thought that was the new trend? By throwing up these non-verbal non-romantic messages, it could be interpreted as managing her expectations down- as in; there are other hot chicks out there, just make sure she doesn't get any weird ideas. right? :)) Other LOL descriptive words/phrases peppered throughout the post; artificial, pressure, ridiculous, curb, de-emphasize and 'get something small' and 'arbitrary gifts in February'. Oh dear.
ReplyDeleteI never cared about what a guy can do for me on a v-day. I care about what a guy does for me when I am sick, like right now. If any guy I know figures out that I am down with a cold and decides to make me some chicken soup, that would totally make my day.
ReplyDeleteOh well, looks like I have to make my own soup.
I don't get this about guys. Why let your pride get in the way of doing something special for your girl? You know planning something nice will make her smile, so why not just freakin do it? If a guy deliberately does nothing for his girl on this holiday, he is putting his feelings above hers, and that is what is truly upsetting.
ReplyDeleteOh and Andrew, if you tell women never to say no to sex when the man wants it because it is such a strong male desire, don't tell women to pipe down about Valentine's Day. Even if that man is her husband and does sweet things for her daily, Valentine's Day is an important day for many women, and the truth you can't argue is that when a man shows up empty-handed on that day, it DOES hurt.
If you still don't understand, think about it this way: If there were a holiday called "Give Your Man Sex and Steak Day" and they made it a totally commercialized holiday complete with Hallmark cards, etc., how would you feel if you came home from a long day of work anticipating the best sex and your favorite meal...and there is no sex, no steak, no nothing. In fact your wife/girlfriend is in her sweats watching Real Housewives. But yall had sex yesterday so you'd be silly to be upset. It's a commercial holiday anyway, so you can go make your own steak.
You missed this post: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/05/we-have-shared-responsibility.html
DeleteIf this was a blog for men, a post about Valentine's Day would say:
"I know you fucking hate Valentine's Day, but it means a lot to your woman to have occasional signs of your affection, and she will be embarrassed in front of her friends if you don't do something on the 14th. You don't have to be a pussy about it, but suck up your pride and at least get her something to show her you care."
"Oh and Andrew, if you tell women never to say no to sex when the man wants it because it is such a strong male desire, don't tell women to pipe down about Valentine's Day"
DeleteAgreed
Again, missing the point. Both the man and the woman should fight their inclination to "have it their way" and instead focus on the needs of the other. This results in the man feeling un-pressure but doing something anyway and the woman expecting nothing but getting what she hoped for originally.
Delete"If there were a holiday called "Give Your Man Sex and Steak Day" "
DeleteBut there isn't. Funny, ain't it?
(in fact, i was discussing with my wife yesterday and we agreed that the male counterpart would be "awesome sex day", and that it would good for those loser men in shitty marriages to at least have one day per year to look forward to)
ugh, yaser you need to go away and stop filling up this blog with your annoying comments...how do you have so much free time? Get a new hobby.
Delete"Why let your pride get in the way of doing something special for your girl?"
DeleteIf a guy does something out of obligation--just because he HAS to do SOMETHING--does that make it special?
How about a guy you have been dating for a few months? Should you expect anything, such as them asking you out for that day or is it okay if they completely ignore it?
ReplyDeleteI dated a guy one time, we met Nov/Dec. He didn't contact me around the days of Feb 14th. A few days after he resumed contact. What should I think in this type of situation?
He probably was just trying to avoid sending you the message "I am completely into you" by engaging in V-day. While of course you wouldn't assume this, he was probably worried that you might. I wouldn't read into it too much, especially since you've only been dating for 3 months, but it could be a sign that he is hesitant about taking the relationship to a higher level.
DeleteCurrently I am using the no contact rule. Last he text that he would like to see me soon that he was getting an apt this week. That was a week ago. So I have no chance to bring up the Valentines day subject to ease that tension. Question is: if does not make plans how would I handle that after he does talk again? I admit I would feel let dow.
ReplyDeleteAlso: if he doesn't plan valentines why couldn't I invite him to something on 16th .
A part of me thinks I should just no longer talk to him if I don't hear from him for another week. What ever happened to the old way of seducing the man you really want? I am so much into this man, haven't met another man that does it to me like him and I don't want too.
Honey: It's called "Steak and a Blowjob Day. March 18, I believe.
ReplyDeleteThe wife and I will be participating.
Pretty sure that you response has nothing to do with my comment. Thanks anyway. It appears that the S&B day is on 3/14.
DeleteAndrew - Any advice for girls on what to do for their guys on Valentines day? Particulary if you're dating a new guy and it's your first Valentines Day as a couple..? I'd like to "get him something small"... or do something special for him, just in case he does something for me! (He has given me gifts before, so I guess he will give me something). But nothing too crazy. What do you think? What kind of gift would you appreciate and think was appropriate?
ReplyDeleteI've always thought cologne is a good gift, for a couple reasons: (a) it is something a lot of men don't buy for themselves often, and (b) it will be a scent that he remembers you by every time he wears it. If he is the kind of guy who has 5 colognes that he wears regularly already, then it probably isn't the best idea.
DeleteCooking him a meal is also a great idea. Follow the link at the bottom of the post, this should give you a good idea of the KINDS of things that are really appreciated.
Yeah, I think all the things at the link are great ideas! only thing is I have been doing those kinds of things a lot already. Especially because he was out of town the past two weeks. So, I've been treating him extra special since he came back last weekend (cooking for him right now!!).
DeleteI don't know anything about picking out cologne! The idea of that stresses me out haha. I guess I just want to give him some kind of trinket. What are your thoughts on kinky gifts? :) Like.. fancy lube or something like that? I've actually never bought something at a sex shop, but thinking about stopping in one tomorrow!
I'd be careful about getting kinky stuff if the relationship is young and you aren't sure he'll like it. There is no question that he'll like you in new lingerie though.
DeleteI think the chance he'd like the lube is higher than the cologne. But, anyway, I didn't have time to buy it, so unless I find some on the way to his place he will have to be satisfied with the sexy underwear and a box of tea I got him at the grocery store (I always drink all the tea at his house) :-)
DeleteThinking about that again, I guess I actually got the tea for myself.. hah.
DeleteI agree with this post. I remember a few years ago when me and my friends were a bit younger and less mature that about half of our relationships would be in a state of crisis because the boyfriends had not done what the girlfriends expected for valentines day.
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, I don't think men realize how much women LOVE flowers. Not just on valentines day but any occasion. Even if I'm going out with a man who worships the ground I walk on, I often find myself thinking "I wish he would get me flowers more often". It really means a lot.
Really? When I get flowers I think, OMG this probably cost 30 bucks! We could have gone to dinner with that! I am more of a sucker for inexpensive thoughtful gifts - like, some food I like, or something I had mentioned I wanted/needed in conversation. Shows he's really paying attention and thinking of me.
DeleteIf I like/love something, I usually just go ahead and buy it for myself, on any day of the week. I don't get how some women think it is more special when the same thing comes from the men. I suppose it is special if she cannot afford it on her own. I once dated a guy who talked about treating girls to nice dinners and flying them to Europe and such. Granted that he was good at picking restaurants, but it soon became clear that he had little to offer beyond swiping his cards. Thank you but I have enough money and can book my own vacation.
ReplyDeleteI would be impressed if a guy does something that I never thought about doing, or something that would be difficult for me to do. For example, if a guy offers to help me with some modification work on my car, I would be thrilled.
Andrew, your "2. Never Tell a Guy When You'll Have Sex With Him" related post link at the bottom of this post is broken. I'd like to find that post :) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteFixed. Also, here: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/10/never-tell-guy-when-youll-have-sex-with.html
DeleteThanks for letting me know.
DeleteFantastic, thanks Andrew!
DeleteMe and my guy are in a very funny situation and we could never really figure out what to do around this time of year. We have the SAME birthday, and it's two days after Valentine's day! So we always end up doing something fairly large, like getting a hotel somewhere for the weekend, for example, and doing something together, rather than exchanging gifts, though that sometimes does happen too - but it's like the same as our anniversary. Sometimes we have a small house party too with all our friends, though it's mostly his friends that show up. Anyway, do you have any suggestions on how to handle this? Because it's great that we do stuff together but sometimes it can feel weird because there's not just one "special" dedicated day to him OR to me individually. We have our anniversary, the same birthday, we celebrate holidays together, etc. lol and sometimes I joke that we should each just pick a random day of the year to call our own! I'd like to be able to sit back and relax and be doted on lol and sometimes I just want him to be able to sit back and relax also!
ReplyDeleteI do not think putting on lingerie is small. You can't compare that to getting a card or some chocolates.
ReplyDeleteIn my observation, men SAY they like easygoing women (i.e. who don't put pressure on them to deliver for VDay) but often end up losing respect for them for that very reason.
ReplyDeleteWhat people say they like and how they actually act are two different things.
I've noticed the same. They say they prefer low-maintenance women, but they seem to chase the high-maintenance, demanding women. Maybe it's more of a challenge.
DeleteInteresting observation. I once dating a man who dumped me because I wasn't demanding enough (ie I actually paid for some of our dates and did nice things for him like make him dinner and bake him cookies as a random present). He said, a woman who is worth it knows she is worth it and will demand that a man spend and do a certain amount for her. Meaning, I obviously wasn't worth it because I actually treated him nicely.
DeleteYeah I know what you mean. Although I have never heard a man refer specifically to a "low-maintenance" woman but I have heard men say they want a woman who is "easygoing" i.e. easy to talk to.
DeleteI don't think this is really a gender thing. Most people can't fully respect someone who's too easy to please.
And J, that guy sounds like he has issues of his own. I wonder about this too though as I have to constrain my giving and wait until the right time before cooking a guy a meal etc. Hmm maybe there is a post about that somewhere. You don't want to look like you're doing something only to win his affection...has to be more par for the course. Ah it's confusing.
Also, I'd like to call BS on the commercial aspect of Valentine's Day being a turnoff.
ReplyDeleteEver heard a dad say "Pish posh, Christmas gifts* are a commercial invention, I'm not getting my beloved 5yo daughter any of the toys she's expecting."?
Yet somehow this would be perfectly fine: "Pish posh, Valentine's day gifts (cards, flowers, dinner) are a commercial invention, I am not getting my beloved any of the things she's expecting."
* the gifts are a commercial invention, not the holiday of course
Very insightful!
ReplyDeleteSo, so, so true.
ReplyDeleteMy best (and only) Valentine's Day gift was a pack of colored pencils being woken up by a cup of Mayan hot chocolate. My ex and I were backpacking in Guatemala at the time, and I had mentioned offhandedly days earlier how I was itching to color in some of my journal doodles. I had completely forgotten about it, and was so happy and thrilled at the thoughtful and simple gesture. The girls we were traveling with were horrified. Idiots.
Loved your link: that sounds like the kind of Valentine's Day I would plan were I not single this year. My favorite part, though, is one of the comments -- 'you're so lucky to have a woman who treats you like a king when you do nothing for her'. ROFL! I'll bet my life savings that the wife would disagree with that statement. He's obviously doing enough for her that he doesn't need to blow diamonds out his butt on 2/14 to make up for the other 364 days in the year. Good for them: sounds like they've got it right.
"I'll bet my life savings that the wife would disagree with that statement. He's obviously doing enough for her that he doesn't need to blow diamonds out his butt on 2/14 to make up for the other 364 days in the year. Good for them: sounds like they've got it right."
DeleteAgreed.
I feel sorry for men dating women that think frivolous crap like Valentine's day is important. They're typically the same kind of women who want a big diamond on their engagement ring to show off to their friends (exactly the type of woman I tell my brother to avoid like the plague). Personally, I think things like gifts, dinner dates, flowers, etc, mean so much more when they are done out-of-the-blue, instead of because it was expected on account of some dumb commercial holiday.
ReplyDeleteThat is a stereotype that is untrue and unfair. Just because someone likes to celebrate holidays - and yes Valentine's Day is no different than the dozens of other holidays we celebrate - doesn't mean the girl is selfish or demanding. *I* think Valentine's Day is important and I would be thrilled with a single red rose, a "I love you", and a night of love making. That doesn't make me a money seeking, self entitled, b****.
DeleteAnd if Valentine's day is some dumb commercial holiday, you must feel the same way about Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Halloween, 4th of July, Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc right? Otherwise that would be a tad hypocritical wouldn't it?
I am not talking about a simple "I love you" or a single rose, I am talking about the girls that expect their man to take them out to dinner and buy them stuff for Valentine's day. "I love you"s and nights of love making are things that should be done on a daily basis anyhow.
DeleteMost of the holidays we celebrate have been perverted to be ridiculously materialistic. Everyone is convinced they need to buy crap for every occasion. I have everything I need, and I am by no means rich. I have my family, a place to live, food on the table, and a man that loves me, and as far as I'm concerned, a box of chocolates on Vday doesn't make one iota of a difference in how grateful I am to have what I do.
A lot of women would fare better in relationships if they were less demanding and materialistic, and this is one aspect of that. Appreciate what you have, and show it on a daily basis. You can't buy love with words or sex or flowers, and one day in a year is a drop in the bucket. Celebrate it, if you want, but do so realizing it is not important, and def not worth being upset over because it didn't meet whatever expectations Hallmark and See's Candies tells us we should have.
I always think something's "off" when I read these complaints. In my experience, really beautiful women NEVER have trouble finding men - they've got rich, desirable men competing to fly them on trips around the world. They have access to an upper tier of men that average women don't even encounter. If you're getting harassed daily by undesirable men on the street, that doesn't necessarily mean you're a stunning beauty - it happens to most women from 15-35 who don't resemble ogres.
DeleteWhen I read these comments I always think there are only 2 likely options: 1) the woman is either not as beautiful as she thinks she is (and the harassment from men/jealousy from women is just because she's overly flirtatious in her presentation - which seems to fit this commenter) OR 2) there's something unpleasant about her personality that turns men off, even if they're attracted to her looks. Because I've never, NEVER heard a top-tier beautiful woman who doesn't have raging personality issues complain about not being able to meet suitable men. Unless she's living in a tiny town, this just doesn't happen.
@thespiral - I totally agree which is why I don't let male attention get to my head. There's also an observable social phenomena where the most attractive woman in the room will get all the attention but you can't say she's the most attractive outside of that room. Sometimes I get men calling me beautiful then I look around and notice that out of the single woman there, I'm only competing with a few older women.
DeleteAnd ahh I hate how shallow this sounds but you have to observe who is paying you the compliments which helps to figure out where you are on the scale.
Coloured pencils and Mayan hot chocolate sounds wonderful, T.
ReplyDeleteI have made a present and card for my guy this year,am planning a homecooked meal, and am going to wear my new lingerie :)
But after reading this post I realised that these are all things that I want to do for him because I enjoy them. Also, I remembered that he does nice little things for me all year round (e.g. putting the heated towel rail on for me before I have a shower in the morning). So, this year, Valentine's Day is going to be a celebration of all the little things he does that perhaps I haven't shown appreciation for or have taken for granted in the past.
I would like you to write a post for beautiful women giving insight into how to be more approachable. I am very attractive. Everywhere I go men stare and comment about how beautiful I am. But nobody ever asks me out. Granted, I am kind of shy, but once people get to know me I have an outstanding personality. I am into absolutely everything music, sport, dance, food, fashion, art, ski-ing. I am so up for trying new things, but nobody asks me out. I am 22, I can understand that men can be intimidated but I can't wait around for them to become un-intimidated. Also, I don't want to lower myself in order to make others feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI have turned down a lot of guys in the past. I even went to University in another town in order to be more low key and avoid the constant male attention that I get living in the city. The kind of men I like never approach me. I don't even have any close male friends. I feel that sometimes being beautiful is a curse.
Comments I have heard in the past from my best friends: "I will never introduce you to my boyfriend. I won't even let you be in the same room as him because you will probably steal him from me". I would never steal anyone's boyfriend so I am so hurt by the comment.
Also, men say I am flirting with them, I think that I flirt naturally but I don't notice it. I am just flirty around guys because that's just how I interact. I had to stop myself because I was recently in my lecturer's office and he was talking to me and I was staring into this blue eyes thinking how attractive he was. I then looked down at the bulge in his trousers for a bit too long, and he noticed and winked at me!
Honestly, I am attractive but I don't know what I am doing wrong. People say I have a nice personality. Strangers have called me cute, beautiful, attractive, sexy - and both men and women compliment me.
Seriously, I just want to find a boyfriend. It's only older men that approach me. Men always wink at me on the street though, and I have to double take because I don't quite understand what a wink means.
Also, I find that the excessive male attention makes me insecure. Being stared at everywhere is really intimidating. Particularly as a teenager going through puberty it was so stressful. Growing breasts was a traumatic experience and I never had 'the talk/any talk' with my parents about boys, sex, relationship, love etc. I turned down so many guys I feel so bad, at the same time I could never have a one night stand with a stranger and I feel like a dime a dozen when approached by strangers on the street.
DeleteHave some humility lol. One thing that makes a man want to stay with a woman after the initial "she's hot" factor is how she makes him feel manly by admiring him. From the sounds of it the only thing you admire is your own good looks. Which of course men will stare and want to fuck you, but they won't want to be in a relationship with a woman who thinks she's God's gift to the world. Confidence is an asset, but anything in excess is no good.
DeleteI already have humility. The second comment says that I am kind of shy. If anything I am not confident, being good looking people just ASSUME that I am confident but actually as I said, sometimes beauty is a burden.
DeleteNice humblebrag bro.
DeleteI am honestly being modest. Also what's your [Andrew's] opinion on women who just want to have babies rather than work? I am currently training to be a lawyer but I am more than willing to give everything up and have lots of babies and become a submissive wive.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteI always think something's "off" when I read these complaints. None of the examples you gave are evidence of rare beauty. Daily harassment by undesirable men on the street happens to most women age 15-35 who don't resemble ogres. Lecturers winking at you and friends fearing you'll steal their boyfriends could just be a sign that you come across kind of slutty. If you've got modeling agents trying to sign you and alpha athletes and celebrities chasing you then yeah, you're probably a top-tier hottie. But in my experience, those types of women (especially ones who dream of being "submissive wives") NEVER have trouble finding men - they've got rich, desirable men flying them on trips around the world. Alpha men aren't "intimidated" by female beauty; thus, beautiful women have access to an upper tier of men that average women don't even encounter.
DeleteWhen I read these comments I always think there are only 3 likely options: 1) the woman is either not as beautiful as she thinks she is, 2) she's in a bad location for meeting men, OR 3) there's something unpleasant about her personality that turns men off, even if they're attracted to her looks. Because I've never, EVER heard an 8-10 woman who doesn't have raging personality issues complain about not being able to meet desirable men. If you're as amazing as YOU claim to be they should be chasing YOU down, unless you're living in a tiny town with no desirable men (in which case your problem is easily solved.) So maybe some self-reflection is in order.
I am not a model. While I am facially attractive, the defining characteristic of models is their long legs. I am average female height, around 5'4.
DeleteKeep in mind that I am 22 years old, a law student and an introvert. Introvert women are rare and beautiful introvert women are despised. I get questions such as "do you think you are better than us?" from everyone from my mother and brother to my enemies.
I am not slutty! Though I do not have many older friends, all my friends are my age. I went to a girls school for 5 years before going straight to University. Maybe my case is exceptional. I have recently moved back to the city though after spending my university years in a small Northern town. I'm from England, UK - not America.
One of my very close friends is absolutely beautiful and didn't have her first real boyfriend until she was 25! She was always obsessing over guys and wondering why none of them liked her. She was really like the main character of that movie "He's Just Not That Into You."
DeleteI would say she had some pretty big personality flaws. She talks too much, she's overbearing, very emotional. I love her as a friend, but I could see how she could turn guys off. Anyway, she ended up meeting one guy who adores her despite all of her quirks. She's way hotter than him, of course. But they are cute and happy together :)
@Pina Colada, just noticed that you said you're British. The boyfriend my friend ended up with is also British. She's American. Maybe you can try the inverse and find an American who appreciates cute, quirky British girls? :)
Delete@Pina Colada - Hey I'm British too. I know what you mean about introversion affecting how you get on with people. Well I don't get it either. I think being an introvert is perceived to be very different in character to what people expect. The truth is though that I am comfortable with who I am and it's other people who don't like that. But I did find people who understood and appreciated me a bit better when I moved to a different place. I get people thinking I am stuck up sometimes and on occasion a few women will single me out.
DeleteAnyway I completely understand what you are getting at. But really if people think you are stuck up because you are both beautiful and introverted then that is a manifestation of their own insecurities and they ought to give you a chance. Maybe like me you find that you have to push that little bit harder to get a good friendly vibe because people aren't sure what to think on first impressions. That's okay though. Not everyone is going to get you. You only need to spend time with people who will.
Thanks Lucy for your response. Yes, I agree. I am getting closer to the point where I don't give a damn what people think, it's take it or leave it. xoxo
DeleteHi Lucy,
DeleteAre you the same (Scottish?) Lucy who posts on Evan Marc Katz? Just curious.
Hi Pina Colada,
I think at 22 a lot of people have a lot of issues which just fall away in time - these are natural. I'm 29 and a lot happier and more secure than I was at that age. Just concentrate on having fun for the next few years and a lot of these things will just sort themselves out. Just smile at people - it works for me everytime. :)
Hi Thomas, Yep that's me!
DeleteAlso, I will have to use that tip you left for Pina Colada. :)
Even worse, I attract mainly two kinds of men. The first kind is uber possessive including telling me not to dress too sexy when I am not with him. Or alternatively men who say that I am too good for them, or assume that I already have a boyfriend.
ReplyDeleteSome food for thought on Valentine's Day.
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-ewvCNguug
Guess men weren't always the main 'breadwinners'.
This was an interesting talk. I don't completely agree with everything she says, but I do like the model of lust, attraction and attachment that she describes as being evolved for (what sound like valid) evolutionary reasons.
DeleteThanks for the link. Here is an active one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x-ewvCNguug
Hey, man.
ReplyDeleteI really liked your blog and I believe a lot of woman can benefit from it.
Would it be okay if I translated your articles to portuguese so I can show them to the girls I know?
Thanks!
Yeah sure, though please credit them to this blog and post an active link.
DeleteHehe, this is interesting because in Japan, Valentines means that only girls give guys something, mostly home-made chocolate. My friend was surprised to get a card from her boyfriend who had gone to America. Although they do have a day a month later for guys to give girls stuff but this is more becuase it customary to give a thank you present to someone then for romantic reasons.
ReplyDeleteWait a second, the link makes no sense in light of your other post, where you tell women that you should always let the guy take the lead.
ReplyDeleteFor example, when you receive a text you text back.
By that analogy, shouldn't it be when you get nothing for Valentine's, he gets nothing..
I genuinely am confused on this, would you please explain or make a post..
The one and only advantage I could see for men with Valentine's Day:
ReplyDeleteMen with ZERO game, who lack creativity and thoughtfulness, and are generally unappealing every other day of the year can cash in on a woman's desperate need for validation on this day in order to get laid.
My husband is more interested in when the trash will be picked up. He celebrates no special day or holidays.
ReplyDeleteHe has nothing to do with me, he even worked midnight shift, all weekends, holiday so he didn't have to be near me. This is how our married life turned out. He lived in the basement for years, then built a new garage with an apartment attached. The day after we were married he told me I was a stuffed shirt prissy prude, and he wanted nothing to do with me. Since we had sex once and he hated it, that he would rather live without it. I told him I wanted kids, sex, intimacy and all things that marriage has to offer, he just said there is no way he wanted that. He's not gay or into porn the only thing I can figure out is he hates me and would rather be alone. He hasn't any friends he only cares about how horrible he looks, himself and his shop, garage and cars. After 47 years of marriage who cares, I hate all men and even myself.
I really feel bad for you, why do you stay? you have time to change some of these things, find someone who will love you the way you should be loved. a marriage without sex is no marriage at all.
DeleteWell, I found out the Thursday before Valentine's Day at lunch from the server that my boyfriend and i were doing nothing on that day. She made the mistake of asking what we were doing and he very proudly told her he was hanging out with his buddies. i was very let down.
ReplyDeletei do agree with the article that this holiday does create pressure for some guys. but i guess my real issue is that my now ex is always hanging out with his friends and family. he fits me in when he has time. and even though i brought this up before and we broke up for it, things seem to be somewhat the same. so when he blew me off this day i was hurt and felt devalued.
so after vday i sent a text telling him how i felt and asked him what was up. i told him i thought we were together but it seems like we are not. So i asked what i was missing. His reply was to break up with me! he said that for a while now he has felt he is holding me back from my goals even though i have never brought up anything on that topic. we continued the conversation over emails and then he said that he felt that i was obstructing his freedom. and that he could not meet my expectations. well considering i have not made any demands of him and have accepted being available when he has time, i was pretty done at this point.
so we ended things. he wanted to stay in touch but i told him that i did not want to.
i guess the bottom line is that i have felt like i have been trying hard for him to want to be with me and make me feel important and prioritized, and not just fit in when he has time. but he is an extreme extrovert that goes out at least 4-5 days per week with friends and family. he is 52 and still a bachelor. i guess there is a reason for it. he wants to stay that way.
In any case, feel free to offer any thoughts... tx
I found your note very interesting. it reinforces in my mind several things I have observed about men over time.
ReplyDeletealways let the man lead the relationship. men are less selective than women, so they'll go out with many a woman just to get sex. women are much more choosy in who they'll want to have a relationship with. so let the man lead and pursue. if he doesn't want you bad enough, he won't pursue hard enough - like your man didn't. So back off, let him show what he's willing to do, and by not being willing to make an effort he shows ... that he's not willing to make an effort. it's that simple. and with a man that's not totally into you, you'll never get what you need and always get hurt in the end.
you are too valuable to take that kind of crap treatment, so cut any man loose who's not willing to put in the effort. wait for the one who recognizes what a gem you are, he'll know he be an idiot to lose you.
and by the way, Andrew says don't date divorced men. i completely disagree. being divorced doesn't mean the man is necessarily the one who caused the marriage to fail. there are plenty of divorced men out there who are good, kind, hard-working men who were married to awful women and finally cut their loses to leave. I think they make the best boyfriends. they know better how to recognize a gem of a woman.
sorry, this should have been inserted as a reply to the above anonymous about her 52 year old man.
DeleteThank you so much for the support and great advice! I really appreciate your response. I am feeling so much better now that things are over. It is amazing to realize how draining it is to be in a situation that is not working. He was right, he was holding me back from my project work. The constant reoccupation of not feeling like things are right drains your mind and time. But now that things are over I have accomplished more in that last few days after this ended than I have in the last month. Glad to be moving on... :)
DeleteI had an especially bad Valentine's last year. My boyfriend and I had an argumentative January - I came out to him as romantically polyamorous. He was romantically monogamous. We talked (and argued) about boundaries) I was like okay, I do not want to break up with you, so I will treat this as a 'pseudo-monogamous' relationship, in behaviour being monogamous although it does feel unnatural to me from an emotional POV. Late January, I nervous ask for us to do a little something for Valentine's. He didn't just refuse, he outlined a refusal even have lunch together on Valentine's. I was very upset, I even begged for us to exchange cards; he further refused. That February he began speaking a lot less to me in preference of a mutual friend (was acquaintance to me) and as for *reasons* the only other to people could really talk to were unavailable to speak to that month, I felt isolated. I became bedridden with a fever on Valentine's Day itself but it tell anyone for a day and a half (when I did I called my dad) I felt so pissed with him.
ReplyDeleteMonths later I broke with him. Now I am in two good hetero relationships (one long distance) - but I still feel upset over what happened last year, I can't bare to bring up Valentine's with either of them. I am travelling to see my long distance boyfriend this weekend.
I like the idea of making a point to express my feelings properly. Valentine's makes me worry that my feelings are 'correct' (two years ago I broke up with a man partly out of intimidation from Valentine's (I had been unhappy for a while mind)). I can barely sleep lately I feel so anxious about last February, although I guess that's silly. Logically I should be happier than I've ever been but I'm not.
I would like to give a (gender neutral, not implicit of monogamy or commitment) Valentine's card to each of them, and I like dress up for the boyfriend I see on the day... do you think that's okay? (I have no income atm, so neither would expect a present)
Some of you are missing the point. Valentines day does matter, to many women. It is a public expression of what their husbands and boyfriends feel for them, and yes, it isnt fair, etc, blah blah, but it is important. A wise man does not publically humiliate his wife by not acknowledging her need to be recognized in some way on V day. The other women are watching and it really is rather a pissing contest for women. Even if you hate VD, you should swallow your pride and show the woman you love public tokens of affection.
ReplyDeleteTHe same situation happens when men want women to wear sleezy lingerie. Do you really think push up bras, g strings and garters with six inch heels are comfortable? They arent. But we women wear then because it makes the men in our lives feel lusted after and wanted. We put our own desires aside to try to make life more interesting for our husbands. VD is the same thing. Put your own discomfort aside and make sure your wife has bragging rights.
My husband is usually good about V day. LAst year , he didnt do a great job but I didnt say anything because he tried. That is all that matters. This year , he did nothing. He is coming home tonight to a pile of slutty red lingerie in pieces on his side of the bed. I wont be wearing that shit for a while.
That's the problem with women; Why make it a pissing contest on V day? You are only hurting yourself and gaining nothing. I mean it's about being real. If he's game, he should shower you with affection/care/love on any other random day. Heck! nothing's more sweet than that unexpected surprise vacation, or shopping spree. V day is just any other day, he's got another 364 days to prove his worth. Love should be a 365-cycle thing.
DeleteThat's the problem with women; Why make it a pissing contest on V day? You are only hurting yourself and gaining nothing. I mean it's about being real. If he's game, he should shower you with affection/care/love on any other random day. Heck! nothing's more sweet than that unexpected surprise vacation, or shopping spree. V day is just any other day, he's got another 364 days to prove his worth. Love should be a 365-cycle thing.
DeleteI ended a relationship with a man the day after Valentine's Day because I was doing everything that made him feel loved, and allowing him to do things that made him feel loving towards me, though they did not make me feel loved. I don't make a big deal about Valentine's Day, but when he didn't contact me for five days before and not even a text on Val. Day, that was it. Men can work at making a woman feel loved and cared about too you know and all I needed was a text on Valentine's day saying he was thinking about me and have a wonderful day, because on that day I had a tooth explode on me, and had to have it extracted, when the novacaine wore off it left me with a terrible headache in my ear and behind my eye and the medication given to me made me throw up all day. I could have used that text saying he cared that day when I felt at my lowest. I would have felt cared about. Men, stop saying you don't like being made to do things that you don't want to do. That's selfish and juvenile. You are adults, and adults do things they don't want to do to make the ones they love feel loved. It about loving someone in the manner they feel loved and they returning the favor. It's not about what makes you feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteSeriously? Guys are not being forced to be effeminate, you are buying the gift for a female, not yourself(unless you are totally shallow, and this will be your last Valentine's day with that girl). It actually makes sense to go out for a romantic dinner to reconnect with each other, and in any case you have to eat anyway, unless you are somehow suggesting that men don't eat or date. While every holiday has marketing that capitalizes on it, Valentine's day is actually a religious holiday. Its Saint Valentine's day, as in the Catholic patron saint of love. It has much more meaning then a greeting card.
ReplyDeleteAfter being in relationship with markiss for seven years,he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to return to him, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, that was how we started living together happily again. Since then, I have made promise that anybody I know that have a relationship problem, I would be of help to such person by referring him or her to the only real and powerful spell caster who helped me with my own problem and who is different from all the fake ones out there. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster, his email: drosemudiamenspellhome@gmail.com you can email him if you need his assistance in your relationship or anything. I CAN NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM, HIS EMAIL ADDRESS IS: drosemudiamenspellhome@gmail.com CONTACT HIM NOW FOR SOLUTION TO ALL YOUR PROBLEM
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ReplyDelete